unicorns have boners coming out of their heads

(11:20:31 PM) Me: do bugs just love your feet?
(11:20:35 PM) Stevenson: My feets must be easy targets.
(11:20:45 PM) Stevenson: Well, that's where I keep 80% of my blood.
(11:20:48 PM) Me: haha
(11:20:51 PM) Me: ah, I get it now
(11:21:29 PM) Me: that's probably why I bite your feet too
(11:21:46 PM) Stevenson: OH MY GOD, THAT'S DISGUSTING!
(11:22:03 PM) Me: then how come you have a boner right now?
(11:22:24 PM) Stevenson: Because I was stroking my wang.
(11:22:40 PM) Stevenson: Did you take your cameras home already?
(11:22:46 PM) Me: yeah
(11:22:52 PM) Me: am I missing the good stuff right now? :/
(11:22:56 PM) Stevenson: Too bad, you're gonna miss a good show.
(11:23:17 PM) Me: you'll just have to repeat it for me tomorrow
(11:23:45 PM) Stevenson: all over your face!
(11:23:53 PM) Me: sweet
(11:24:00 PM) Me: I was looking for a new moisturizing routine
(11:24:02 PM) Stevenson: Actually, it's kind of salty.
(11:24:14 PM) Me: well
(11:24:20 PM) Me: I put oil of olay in your burritos
(11:24:33 PM) Stevenson: eeewwww.
(11:25:17 PM) Me: eww is the noise you make when I say something totally hot, right?
(11:25:23 PM) Stevenson: yes!
(11:25:29 PM) Me: AWESOME
(11:25:40 PM) Me: I'M THE SEXIEST BEAST ALIVE
(11:25:45 PM) Me: TAKE THAT, UNICORN!
(11:26:09 PM) Stevenson: Well, I dunno. Unicorns basically have big boners coming out of their heads.
(11:26:11 PM) Stevenson: That's pretty sexy.
(11:26:28 PM) Me: haha
(11:26:34 PM) Me: who says I don't?
(11:26:44 PM) Stevenson: I've seen you bonerless head!
(11:26:47 PM) Stevenson: your
(11:26:55 PM) Me: Stevenson, man
(11:26:59 PM) Me: it's a wig
(11:27:31 PM) Stevenson: There's no way you have a wig that covers up a boner.
(11:27:34 PM) Stevenson: I'd be able to tell.
(11:27:43 PM) Me: wow
(11:27:45 PM) Stevenson: I'm an expert in Bonerology.
(11:27:49 PM) Me: hahaha
(11:27:51 PM) Me: man in my head
(11:27:58 PM) Me: I just imagined a book called Bonerology
(11:28:02 PM) Me: to go with like Dragonology
(11:28:06 PM) Me: and Egyptology
(11:29:49 PM) Me: err... they were best selling children's books

screaming germans

(12:24:13 PM) Stevenson: There might not be anything better than listening to German people yell.
(12:24:37 PM) Me: hahahaha
(12:24:43 PM) Me: what prompted that remark?
(12:24:57 PM) Stevenson: Just daydreaming.
(12:27:44 PM) Me: about screaming germans?
(12:27:52 PM) Me: I like the way your mind works!
(12:27:56 PM) Stevenson: I know, I'm pretty sweet.

that would be terrible

(12:15:53 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: put in my application today
(12:16:02 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: cut down my resume to this job and the last one
(12:16:11 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: and my references are all basically the guys I work with now
(12:16:29 PM) Me: haha I guess they're good ref's :P
(12:16:31 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: probably not
(12:16:37 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: but who knows
(12:16:40 PM) Me: "hey, I know that guy! if he says Ryan is alright, he must be!'
(12:16:43 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: I think my boss said only one other person had put in
(12:16:54 PM) Me: kick that person's ass!
(12:17:49 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(12:19:18 PM) Me: I should just show up outside that person's house
(12:19:25 PM) Me: slapping a tire iron menacingly against my hand
(12:19:35 PM) Me: give him/her the evil eye
(12:19:37 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha what if it's one of the other guys I work with
(12:19:52 PM) Me: haha that you used as a reference?
(12:19:57 PM) Me: that would be awesome
(12:21:30 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha yeha probably
(12:22:02 PM) Me: "he used my name as a reference AND stationed this psycho girl to stand outside my door with a tire iron"
(12:22:27 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(12:22:28 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: win!
(12:23:08 PM) Me: you're a shoo in! You have Amystopheles on your side!
(12:23:31 PM) Me: though, actually, I think you would be an idiot to sell your eternal soul for an IT job
(12:23:44 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha I wouldn't sell it, i'd just be friends with you
(12:23:46 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: that's good enough
(12:23:48 PM) Me: okay
(12:23:58 PM) Me: yeah, you do my bidding out in the world
(12:24:05 PM) Me: that's worth at least a promotion
(12:24:23 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha thanks
(12:24:28 PM) Me: you're welcome
(12:24:59 PM) Me: now go get Satan a coke
(12:25:10 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: with lots of ice
(12:25:33 PM) Me: yeah it gets pretty hot down here
(12:26:07 PM) Me: man wouldn't it be funny if you went to hell and you were like, "why?" and they're like, "you served satan!" and it turns out you were a waiter and got him a coke?
(12:26:18 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(12:26:22 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: that would be terrible

creepy sexual discussion

(11:43:18 PM) Me: man... you know how sometimes I tell you that I think if someone walked in on me at the computer they would think I was a sex offender?
(11:43:22 PM) Me: or at least really crazy?
(11:43:30 PM) Me: Well I have pants on for once
(11:43:49 PM) Me: but I'm listening to the muppets version of "Silent Night"
(11:43:55 PM) Me: making crazy comics
(11:44:05 PM) Me: and having another creepy sexual discussion with Stevenson
(11:44:12 PM) Me: in fact
(11:44:17 PM) Me: if Stevenson is ever online
(11:44:24 PM) Me: you can just assme that we're having a creepy sexual discussion
(11:44:55 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(11:44:59 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: oh, i do
(11:45:09 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: and that's why whenever I see you both online, you can assume I'm masturbating
(11:45:13 PM) Me: hahahaha
(11:45:21 PM) Me: I was about to say that
(11:45:25 PM) Me: you beat me to it
(11:45:34 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(11:45:39 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: no, I beat off to it
(11:45:47 PM) Me: yeah I thought of making that joke but it was too easy
(11:45:57 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: like your mother?
(11:46:02 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: AMY CLEAN YOUR ROOM
(11:46:07 PM) Me: HAHAHA
(11:46:12 PM) Me: the amy clean your room saves that one

lady jizz

(12:37:48 AM) Stevenson: Man, my boner hurts.
(12:38:16 AM) Me: btw have you ever read a book called Real Ultimate Power?
(12:38:32 AM) Stevenson: THat ninja stuff?
(12:38:35 AM) Me: yeah
(12:38:40 AM) Me: but also a lot about boners
(12:38:46 AM) Stevenson: I've flipped through it, and seen the website.
(12:38:52 AM) Me: and I've never heard the phrase boner much outside of that book and you saying it all the time
(12:38:59 AM) Me: so like every time you talk about your boner
(12:39:03 AM) Me: I like think of a ninja boner
(12:39:18 AM) Stevenson: I don't say it all the time!
(12:39:25 AM) Stevenson: Have you ever read Mansfield Park?
(12:39:25 AM) Me: haha you do
(12:39:36 AM) Me: No, I heard there's nothing about boners in it
(12:40:03 AM) Stevenson: Not true, but she does bring up lady jizz a lot.
(12:40:10 AM) Stevenson: So every time you say lady jizz I think of Jane Austen.

imaginary penis

(11:10:48 PM) Me: I think I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome
(11:11:03 PM) Stevenson: Really? That sucks dick.
(11:11:13 PM) Me: fo rizzle
(11:11:54 PM) Stevenson: That sucks big, fat, hairy, donkey dick.
(11:12:07 PM) Stevenson: And balls.
(11:12:14 PM) Stevenson: And it eats the cum.
(11:12:17 PM) Stevenson: Also, it eats babies.
(11:12:21 PM) Me: ...uh yeah
(11:12:33 PM) Me: thanks for comparing life problems to porno :P
(11:12:38 PM) Stevenson: and then it murders you in your sleep 'cause it's a serial killer!
(11:12:46 PM) Stevenson: That's how bad it is.
(11:12:50 PM) Me: that is some awesome porn you've been watching
(11:13:00 PM) Stevenson: I wrote the script myself.
(11:13:05 PM) Stevenson: You're in it, you just don't know it yet...
(11:13:31 PM) Me: sexy
(11:13:34 PM) Me: can I be the donkey?
(11:13:41 PM) Stevenson: You read my mind.
(11:13:45 PM) Stevenson: Well, you can be one half of the donkey.
(11:15:10 PM) Me: okay
(11:15:14 PM) Me: mooooo!
(11:15:39 PM) Stevenson: You're fired.
(11:15:54 PM) Me: baa?
(11:16:13 PM) Stevenson: Hmm. Interesting. You're re-hired.
(11:18:36 PM) Me: sweet
(11:18:39 PM) Me: do I get a fluffer?
(11:19:00 PM) Stevenson: Umm... you don't really need one, but I guess so.
(11:19:19 PM) Me: yaaay
(11:19:34 PM) Me: I shall have the fluffiest imaginary penis of them all!
(11:20:04 PM) Stevenson: Oh, well in that case, I'm fluffing you right now.
(11:20:08 PM) Stevenson: If it's all imaginary.
(11:20:44 PM) Me: awesome
(11:21:00 PM) Me: I'm fluffing your imaginary penis right back
(11:22:28 PM) Stevenson: I just imaginary came.
(11:22:51 PM) Stevenson: God, we're dirty lately. Or maybe it's just me.
(11:23:19 PM) Me: haha no, I think you're right
(11:23:33 PM) Stevenson: I'm not complaining though.
(11:23:38 PM) Me: I was always this pervy
(11:23:43 PM) Me: you just got that way all of a sudden
(11:23:51 PM) Stevenson: haha
(11:24:04 PM) Stevenson: I guess I finally felt like it was okay.
(11:24:21 PM) Me: it's not just okay
(11:24:25 PM) Me: it's fabulous
(11:24:39 PM) Stevenson: That's what your mom said when I was fucking her ass.

I will choke a bitch

(12:20:19 PM) Me: my other favorite lately is this http://www.geocities.com/tribble80/goodneighbor.jpg
(12:20:43 PM) Mike: haha
(12:20:45 PM) Mike: oh man
(12:20:52 PM) Mike: that one was lol
(12:21:04 PM) Me: haha I'm glad to have an appreciative audience
(12:21:08 PM) Mike: perhaps mainly because i just watched godfather
(12:21:15 PM) Me: oh
(12:21:20 PM) Me: I'm only funny in context? :/
(12:21:33 PM) Mike: no, you're more funny in context
(12:21:39 PM) Mike: also because im betting it really happened
(12:23:05 PM) Me: hahaha

vagina shoes

I am a weird, weird, weird person.

12:24:43 PM) Me: pants are a sane man's natural enemy
(12:25:09 PM) Stevenson: I agree 100%.
(12:27:21 PM) Me: for reals
(12:27:25 PM) Me: I guess I should say "human"
(12:27:31 PM) Me: because I'm a woman (so far as I know)
(12:27:36 PM) Me: and pants are my natural enemy as well
(12:27:54 PM) Stevenson: Maybe that's a sign that you're really a man.
(12:29:27 PM) Me: probably
(12:29:36 PM) Stevenson: Hey Amy, do you have a penis?
(12:29:43 PM) Me: you'd think in a pantsless state it would be easier for me to tell whether or not I have a wang
(12:29:57 PM) Stevenson: haha
(12:30:00 PM) Stevenson: wang
(12:30:00 PM) Me: as far as I know, no. But, after that operation in mexico all bets are off
(12:30:05 PM) Me: I might have one inside or something
(12:30:12 PM) Stevenson: If you do, can I rub it on my face?
(12:32:19 PM) Me: I thought you'd never ask
(12:32:21 PM) Me: OF COURSE
(12:35:45 PM) Me: if you have a vagina
(12:35:51 PM) Me: can I put my foot in it?
(12:36:08 PM) Stevenson: well, I don't have a vagina, but if I did, YES.
(12:36:25 PM) Me: YOU ARE THE BEST
(12:36:42 PM) Me: I've always wanted to play "vagina shoes"
(12:37:50 PM) Me: now I have to find someone else to offer up their hypothetical vagina to me
(12:37:58 PM) Me: so I can have one for each foot
(12:38:05 PM) Me: I'll be the prettiest girl at the ball
(12:38:05 PM) Stevenson: Well, maybe I hypothetically have two vaginas.
(12:38:09 PM) Me: SWEEEET
(12:38:11 PM) Me: you're the best
(12:38:21 PM) Me: now I know why Satan told me to find you
(12:38:27 PM) Stevenson: Go ahead, slip 'em on. See how they feel.
(12:39:46 PM) Me: ooooh
(12:39:47 PM) Me: warm
(12:40:28 PM) Stevenson: my vaginas aren't too tight for you, are they?
(12:41:29 PM) Me: actually they are quite comfortable
(12:41:32 PM) Me: SHIT
(12:41:39 PM) Me: you've done this before, haven't you?
(12:41:53 PM) Me: I'm not your first foot in the vagina :/
(12:42:11 PM) Stevenson: Yes you are. I shoved some shampoo bottles up there to stretch them out.
(12:42:24 PM) Stevenson: They've been waiting my while life for your feet.
(12:43:33 PM) Me: hahahhaa
(12:43:43 PM) Me: even better is the gross misspellings and grammar in that sentence
(12:43:50 PM) Me: I feel the true emotion behind those words
(12:45:03 PM) Stevenson: gog damnit
(12:45:13 PM) Stevenson: WHOLE
(12:46:56 PM) Me: GOG DAMMIT
(12:47:22 PM) Stevenson: Don't make me take away your vagina shoes.
(12:48:03 PM) Me: noooo
(12:48:09 PM) Me: not my vagina shoes!

you're a super lady

bishopposey: god, I hate cleaning out my ears.
SpankingGnome: are you a waxy fella?
bishopposey: hahaha
bishopposey: I like that.
bishopposey: I imaginged you saying it like Marge Gunderson from Fargo.

jizz makes the best baby seasoning

(12:33:30 AM) Stevenson: So, I kidnapped this woman's baby today.
(12:33:33 AM) Stevenson: Stroller and everything.
(12:33:48 AM) Stevenson: I sold the stroller for 50 bucks to a homeless lady downtown.
(12:34:03 AM) Stevenson: But I can't decide if I should eat the baby or just kill it and rape it.
(12:34:08 AM) Me: haha
(12:34:10 AM) Me: you can do both
(12:34:17 AM) Me: I find that jizz makes a great baby seasoning
(12:34:23 AM) Stevenson: Well, I have this thing where I don't like to eat things I've raped.
(12:34:30 AM) Me: well next time I'll stay longer I guess
(12:34:33 AM) Me: I'm sorry :/
(12:34:36 AM) Stevenson: shooooooosh!
(12:34:40 AM) Me: psh, give it to me
(12:34:44 AM) Me: I love eating things you've raped
(12:34:51 AM) Stevenson: hahaha
(12:35:04 AM) Stevenson: Then you love eating your mom!
(12:35:26 AM) Stevenson: And I don't mean with some fava beans and a nice chianti...
(12:35:32 AM) Stevenson: BURN!

beemer steamer

Re: Stevenson's VW bug

(12:03:08 AM) Me: today I was driving around my non descript car
(12:03:11 AM) Me: and I realized
(12:03:16 AM) Me: that you have the greatest car ever
(12:03:21 AM) Me: because it makes children hit each other
(12:03:21 AM) Stevenson: haha
(12:03:29 AM) Stevenson: hahaha
(12:03:48 AM) Stevenson: I guess I'm pretty great.
(12:04:24 AM) Stevenson: And sometimes it makes adults hit children :)
(12:04:28 AM) Me: hahaaah
(12:04:37 AM) Me: well I don't need an excuse to hit children
(12:04:42 AM) Me: but I'm glad you help the more timid
(12:05:09 AM) Me: man I need to buy a cadilac
(12:05:21 AM) Me: and we need to like drive around town together in our respecitive vehicles
(12:05:28 AM) Me: making people hit children
(12:05:40 AM) Stevenson: what does the Caddy have to do with it?
(12:06:07 AM) Stevenson: are you supposed to hit people when yo see one of those?
(12:06:27 AM) Me: bug slug
(12:06:30 AM) Me: cadilac whack
(12:06:36 AM) Me: you didn't know that?
(12:06:39 AM) Stevenson: huh. Never heard of it.
(12:06:50 AM) Me: I assure you it is as prevalent as a bug slug
(12:07:32 AM) Stevenson: huh.
(12:07:35 AM) Stevenson: I think you just made it up.
(12:07:52 AM) Stevenson: BUT, we should totally just make up a hitting game for every type of car.
(12:07:58 AM) Stevenson: Like... Camry Whamry.
(12:08:36 AM) Me: haha
(12:08:43 AM) Me: Corolla I STAB YOU
(12:09:15 AM) Stevenson: Finger in your eye when you see a semi.
(12:10:40 AM) Me: haha
(12:11:56 AM) Me: oh
(12:12:03 AM) Me: man I shouldn't have used stab on corrolla
(12:12:07 AM) Me: cab stab
(12:12:11 AM) Stevenson: totally.
(12:12:36 AM) Stevenson: Beamer Cleveland Steamer.
(12:15:01 AM) Me: HAHAH
(12:15:10 AM) Me: you just.... win

ryan truly is the win to my wang

(11:40:58 PM) Me: sorry, I was in the shower
(11:41:00 PM) Me: masturbating
(11:41:03 PM) Me: to you masturbating
(11:41:05 PM) Me: to me pooping
(11:41:17 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(11:41:25 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: nice I must have known, because I was masturbating to all that

somewhere out there

phoemeister (1:37:43 PM): and I actually do have the runs cause I ate a lot of pizza earlier
Suibrom (1:38:06 PM): doh : (
Suibrom (1:38:15 PM): I have a feeling this boatload of nachos is going to have a similar effect
phoemeister (1:38:29 PM): haha do you remember an American Tail?
Suibrom (1:38:59 PM): yeah
phoemeister (1:39:14 PM): you know that song they sing about how they're thinking of each other
phoemeister (1:39:18 PM): and looking at the same stars
phoemeister (1:39:21 PM): at the same time
Suibrom (1:39:22 PM): haha
phoemeister (1:39:26 PM): that could be us
phoemeister (1:39:30 PM): but with poo
Suibrom (1:39:35 PM): maybe we can sing about horrible ass-burning runs
phoemeister (1:39:55 PM): "Someeeeewheree ouuuuuuuuut theeeeeeeeeere beneath the pale moonlight..."
phoemeister (1:40:06 PM): "someone's thinking of me, and shitting out their guts"
Suibrom (1:40:19 PM): hahah
Suibrom (1:40:21 PM): beautiful