Jeremy: I finally finished my book today
need to decide on a new one now
me: hmmm
What about Nights in Rodanthe?
True... I like your HP fandom in that it makes me trust you
Jeremy: I think I should just burn Nights in Rodanthe
no one should be subjected to that crap
me: yay I like fire
Jeremy: yeah sadly Ben said he wants it as he sells books on-line
me: haha aww
Jeremy: so some other poor sap will get the tripe
me: you'll be sad when it turns out to be the next oprah book club book
sad that you gave it away, I mean
it's obviously a masterpiece
Jeremy: if Oprah likes it of course
I'll just have to buy another copy or 10
I love everything by the big O after all and follow her religiously
me: but of course
Jeremy: "must do what Oprah tell me"
"must eat brainzzzzz"
me: (she could be monitoring this discussion; we don't want her to think we are insolent)
I LOVE GOD EMPEROR OPRAH!
Jeremy: ALL HAIL EMPEROR OPRAH, RULER OF MULTIVERSE
me: HOORAY!
Jeremy: that is until I get close enough to kill her and become new ruler
me: shhhh
ixnay on the illingkay
Jeremy: oh right....
wait there's someone at my door
me: SHIT
RUN, JEREMY
RUN
Jeremy: too late
We have taken Jeremy
me: THE OPRAH IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
noooo...
I'm really going to miss making out with that guy
Jeremy: He will be sent to Oprah re-education camp and will come back better then ever
in fact you'll be there with him so don't worry
knock, knock
me: OH GOD
Mission complete, fellow Oprah drone 774
Jeremy: Hello Oprah drone 774, I am #666
me: Have a pleasant day, Oprah drone 666. I trust the weather is clement?
Jeremy: very clement indeed
though I think some more fire would be nice
me: Yes. Yes. Cleansing fire.
Jeremy: indeed, must burn the unbelievers
me: You are correct, Oprah drone 666
Jeremy: yes sweet, sweet fire
me: Delicious.
Jeremy: my precciousss......
me: hahaha
Oprah drone 666, you are quoting Lord of the Rings. That is not an appropriate Oprah club book title.
Jeremy: now it is my little one
me: But that book has imagination. And no black women. How on earth does it qualify?
Jeremy: a little devil told me so
said Oprah bows to him
me: hunh
I will take your word
Jeremy: hmmmm, I appear to be malfunctioning, oh well
Monday, September 21, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
GOWALLSGO (1:51:31 PM): going good, got our Scion back
phoemeister (1:51:36 PM): that's good
GOWALLSGO (1:51:55 PM): indeed, they cleaned the interior which it needed BADLY
phoemeister (1:52:03 PM): haha that's good
GOWALLSGO (1:52:37 PM): yeah, A's good at not mentioning the filth that builds up in the box
phoemeister (1:53:20 PM): ...but enough about your sex life
phoemeister (2:49:21 PM): I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to get to make out on Saturday though
Suibrom (2:49:33 PM): awesome
Suibrom (2:49:36 PM): let me know how it goes
phoemeister (2:49:51 PM): haha "he did this thing, with his tongue, it's amazing, let me describe it for you"
Suibrom (2:49:58 PM): haha
Suibrom (2:50:09 PM): "Now pictue that in your vagina"
phoemeister (2:50:12 PM): HAHA
phoemeister (2:50:30 PM): but I'm going to his house and he's cooking for me. That has make out written all over it.
phoemeister (2:50:58 PM): I plan to throw all the food he worked so hard to make for me onto the floor, and then have my way with him on the kitchen table
Suibrom (2:51:11 PM): haha
Suibrom (2:51:13 PM): awesome
phoemeister (2:51:29 PM): haha just kidding I like good food more than making out
phoemeister (2:51:36 PM): haha just kidding again
Suibrom (2:51:43 PM): haha
Suibrom (2:51:46 PM): you can combine the two
Suibrom (2:51:58 PM): get naked, cover eachother in marinara, make out
phoemeister (2:53:48 PM): You know.... like, I have the jerkiest ideas of things to do, even though I don't do them. For example, he seems to resent his brother and I was like, "Man if we ever have sex I want to scream out his brother's name during." So now I just am thinking of like, going to his house with marinara, pouring it on him, and then attacking him (sexually). Just because it'd be hilarious.
Suibrom (2:54:08 PM): haha
phoemeister (2:54:17 PM): "What? Get out of my house"
phoemeister (2:54:35 PM): Hopefully I would be able to overpower him
Suibrom (2:54:59 PM): hit him in the head with the jar of sauce first
Suibrom (2:55:00 PM): then you win
phoemeister (2:55:51 PM): now I'm half tempted to send him this conversation, but I don't want to sound too confident about the make out possibilites if he wasn't wanting to
phoemeister (1:51:36 PM): that's good
GOWALLSGO (1:51:55 PM): indeed, they cleaned the interior which it needed BADLY
phoemeister (1:52:03 PM): haha that's good
GOWALLSGO (1:52:37 PM): yeah, A's good at not mentioning the filth that builds up in the box
phoemeister (1:53:20 PM): ...but enough about your sex life
phoemeister (2:49:21 PM): I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to get to make out on Saturday though
Suibrom (2:49:33 PM): awesome
Suibrom (2:49:36 PM): let me know how it goes
phoemeister (2:49:51 PM): haha "he did this thing, with his tongue, it's amazing, let me describe it for you"
Suibrom (2:49:58 PM): haha
Suibrom (2:50:09 PM): "Now pictue that in your vagina"
phoemeister (2:50:12 PM): HAHA
phoemeister (2:50:30 PM): but I'm going to his house and he's cooking for me. That has make out written all over it.
phoemeister (2:50:58 PM): I plan to throw all the food he worked so hard to make for me onto the floor, and then have my way with him on the kitchen table
Suibrom (2:51:11 PM): haha
Suibrom (2:51:13 PM): awesome
phoemeister (2:51:29 PM): haha just kidding I like good food more than making out
phoemeister (2:51:36 PM): haha just kidding again
Suibrom (2:51:43 PM): haha
Suibrom (2:51:46 PM): you can combine the two
Suibrom (2:51:58 PM): get naked, cover eachother in marinara, make out
phoemeister (2:53:48 PM): You know.... like, I have the jerkiest ideas of things to do, even though I don't do them. For example, he seems to resent his brother and I was like, "Man if we ever have sex I want to scream out his brother's name during." So now I just am thinking of like, going to his house with marinara, pouring it on him, and then attacking him (sexually). Just because it'd be hilarious.
Suibrom (2:54:08 PM): haha
phoemeister (2:54:17 PM): "What? Get out of my house"
phoemeister (2:54:35 PM): Hopefully I would be able to overpower him
Suibrom (2:54:59 PM): hit him in the head with the jar of sauce first
Suibrom (2:55:00 PM): then you win
phoemeister (2:55:51 PM): now I'm half tempted to send him this conversation, but I don't want to sound too confident about the make out possibilites if he wasn't wanting to
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Me: My uterus hurts
Me: I should've never had that sex change
Ryan: For the third time: You just need to make up your mind. Or stick to both parts.
Ryan: Then I can tell you to go f yourself and it can be a funny inside joke.
Me: Or I could tell YOU to F yourself and it would be a cool insult.
Ryan: True, because my wang is so long it reaches to my butt.
Me: Maybe you just have a freakishly short taint
Ryan: Haha how would that even work?
Me: You tell me, Tiny Taint
Ryan: God bless us, everyone.
Ryan: That was the real reason for the crutch. Hard to walk with a tiny taint.
Me: hahah you do not even want to know why scrooge has to wear the big hat
Ryan: haha no, I do not.
Me: Neither did I :(
Ryan: Show me on the doll where the scary old man touched you. Also, I may be the doll.
Me: Where is your vag?
Ryan: It's in my butt.
Me: The old man punched me in the ovaries, too
Ryan: Haha crap. This is going to suck for me. How's aunt flo doing these days?
Me: She's actually visiting today :(
Ryan: I figured as much.
Me: I should've never had that sex change
Ryan: For the third time: You just need to make up your mind. Or stick to both parts.
Ryan: Then I can tell you to go f yourself and it can be a funny inside joke.
Me: Or I could tell YOU to F yourself and it would be a cool insult.
Ryan: True, because my wang is so long it reaches to my butt.
Me: Maybe you just have a freakishly short taint
Ryan: Haha how would that even work?
Me: You tell me, Tiny Taint
Ryan: God bless us, everyone.
Ryan: That was the real reason for the crutch. Hard to walk with a tiny taint.
Me: hahah you do not even want to know why scrooge has to wear the big hat
Ryan: haha no, I do not.
Me: Neither did I :(
Ryan: Show me on the doll where the scary old man touched you. Also, I may be the doll.
Me: Where is your vag?
Ryan: It's in my butt.
Me: The old man punched me in the ovaries, too
Ryan: Haha crap. This is going to suck for me. How's aunt flo doing these days?
Me: She's actually visiting today :(
Ryan: I figured as much.
So.... on OKCupid, under "What I do on a Friday Night" I have:
Counting the pile of dead babies in my garage. It's actually quite time consuming, because I'll stop to masturbate and lose count. Plus I don't count very well anyway, so its this whole big frustrating thing.
And this guy instant messaged me:
so is everything in ur profile true....even the what i do on friday nights? :P
hahah man I feel like I'll disappoint you
but no, the state took away my dead babies
now I just use dolls with the eyes goughed out
gouged, even
i was concentrating more on the masturbating thing lol
no dead babies is good
nah, I can't get hard anymore now that they're not real babies
......and then he stopped replying. I wonder why.
Counting the pile of dead babies in my garage. It's actually quite time consuming, because I'll stop to masturbate and lose count. Plus I don't count very well anyway, so its this whole big frustrating thing.
And this guy instant messaged me:
so is everything in ur profile true....even the what i do on friday nights? :P
hahah man I feel like I'll disappoint you
but no, the state took away my dead babies
now I just use dolls with the eyes goughed out
gouged, even
i was concentrating more on the masturbating thing lol
no dead babies is good
nah, I can't get hard anymore now that they're not real babies
......and then he stopped replying. I wonder why.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
me: ooh that pasta roni is not sitting well at all
suibrom: uh oh
me: bathroom time!
suibrom: that's what you get for putting the san fancisco treat inside you
me: I've never had gay dude sex
OH you mean the rice a roni
suibrom: haha
also possibly the buttsex
With a guy named Roni
me: haha well I used to call my boyfriend Joshyroni but we never had buttsex
he and I were all about the eyeball hole
suibrom: it is the best, second only to the ear
me: true that
he wouldn't do it in the ear though
said it was "dirty"
said he didn't want to "damage my hearing"
whatever
suibrom: laaaame
ear wax is the best lube
me: yeah
that's why I'm with 007 now
rabbits are all about ears
suibrom: he'll put it in your ear?
haa
as long as you return the favor and put it in his
me: of course
suibrom: uh oh
me: bathroom time!
suibrom: that's what you get for putting the san fancisco treat inside you
me: I've never had gay dude sex
OH you mean the rice a roni
suibrom: haha
also possibly the buttsex
With a guy named Roni
me: haha well I used to call my boyfriend Joshyroni but we never had buttsex
he and I were all about the eyeball hole
suibrom: it is the best, second only to the ear
me: true that
he wouldn't do it in the ear though
said it was "dirty"
said he didn't want to "damage my hearing"
whatever
suibrom: laaaame
ear wax is the best lube
me: yeah
that's why I'm with 007 now
rabbits are all about ears
suibrom: he'll put it in your ear?
haa
as long as you return the favor and put it in his
me: of course
Saturday, July 25, 2009
several convers in one post
me: I've always really enjoyed fabric softner smell. Like that was the only thing I liked about college, my dorm floor always smelled like fabric softner.
it was not worth the 40 grand
I do not like fabric softener that much
suibrom: haha
that's some expensive fabric softener
me: haha for real
suibrom: it better like.. go down on you while it does your laundry
me: haha who says it doesn't?
I mean it's really my hand, but the fabric softner oil on the sheet is great lube
and it makes me smell awesome down there
suibrom: haha
me: and softer, actually
me: There's an agent who works for us named Bill Pancake
suibrom: haha awesomest name ever
me: Yeah I've known about it a long time and think it's awesome
but the other day I found out we have an agent named Butterworth, and I want to like, get a petition going saying they have to go into business together
suibrom: how does your family make that change though? "Honey, I'm tired of being the Nexttowatersons. You know what I love? Fucking PANCAKES. That's our new last name. You're now Brunhilda Pancake.
me: what exactly does "doughty" mean? I think I have an idea, but I want to make sure that it's right to never want to read a book where the heroine is described on the back cover as "doughty"
suibrom: haha it means the bitch talks back and gotsta be slapped
me: okay that's what I thought
suibrom: like.. brave or
me: and it does make me want to slap them
suibrom: fearless?
me: oh well thtat's okay
suibrom: I guess is a good word fo it
me: I thought it meant like "spunky"
suibrom: I think it kind of does in that it's like "I'm gonna be brave and stand up no matter what"
which could definitely be "spunk"
me: anyone who you have to be told is spunky isn't really spunky
suibrom: and the only spunk I want in my romance novels, should be coming out of the male characters
me: haha it wasn't a romance novel, it was a fantasy novel
suibrom: same thing!
me: but yeah I was like, "doughty"? fuck that bitch
suibrom: haha
maybe it said "doughy" as in she's fat but they wanted to be nice about it
me: haha no there was a T. If it WAS doughy, I'd want to read it more, not less. I like a character I can identify with
that's why I have so many pillsbury cookbooks
suibrom: hah
I'd read a pillsbury fantasy book
put THAT in your belly button and "hee hee" about it
me: haha
that is a good phrase
maybe there's a novelization of the ghostbuster movie
that might technically be a pillsbury fantasy book
oh wait that's not the dough boy
that's stay puft marshmallow man
suibrom: I bet there are stay-puffed marshmallow man erotic fan fictions
me: same dif
haha I bet that you are their main demographic
suibrom: "OH GOD I GOT YOUR MARSHMALLOW CREAM ALL OVER ME"
me: "get me all sticky, marshmallow man!"
oh god, I'm going to come on your face!
then you see Staypuft's angry face
suibrom: hahah
http://www.delaneynetwork.com/archives/stay-puft-angry.jpg
me: hahah exactly
that's what I saw in my head when I said that
wow the conversation pretty much comes to a halt after something like that
suibrom: yeah, really.. where do you go from there?
me: no where
it can't really get funnier from there
suibrom: except maybe that that's the same face when getting it in the butt
me: but yet nothing else seems to be worth discussing after that
HAHA
it was not worth the 40 grand
I do not like fabric softener that much
suibrom: haha
that's some expensive fabric softener
me: haha for real
suibrom: it better like.. go down on you while it does your laundry
me: haha who says it doesn't?
I mean it's really my hand, but the fabric softner oil on the sheet is great lube
and it makes me smell awesome down there
suibrom: haha
me: and softer, actually
me: There's an agent who works for us named Bill Pancake
suibrom: haha awesomest name ever
me: Yeah I've known about it a long time and think it's awesome
but the other day I found out we have an agent named Butterworth, and I want to like, get a petition going saying they have to go into business together
suibrom: how does your family make that change though? "Honey, I'm tired of being the Nexttowatersons. You know what I love? Fucking PANCAKES. That's our new last name. You're now Brunhilda Pancake.
me: what exactly does "doughty" mean? I think I have an idea, but I want to make sure that it's right to never want to read a book where the heroine is described on the back cover as "doughty"
suibrom: haha it means the bitch talks back and gotsta be slapped
me: okay that's what I thought
suibrom: like.. brave or
me: and it does make me want to slap them
suibrom: fearless?
me: oh well thtat's okay
suibrom: I guess is a good word fo it
me: I thought it meant like "spunky"
suibrom: I think it kind of does in that it's like "I'm gonna be brave and stand up no matter what"
which could definitely be "spunk"
me: anyone who you have to be told is spunky isn't really spunky
suibrom: and the only spunk I want in my romance novels, should be coming out of the male characters
me: haha it wasn't a romance novel, it was a fantasy novel
suibrom: same thing!
me: but yeah I was like, "doughty"? fuck that bitch
suibrom: haha
maybe it said "doughy" as in she's fat but they wanted to be nice about it
me: haha no there was a T. If it WAS doughy, I'd want to read it more, not less. I like a character I can identify with
that's why I have so many pillsbury cookbooks
suibrom: hah
I'd read a pillsbury fantasy book
put THAT in your belly button and "hee hee" about it
me: haha
that is a good phrase
maybe there's a novelization of the ghostbuster movie
that might technically be a pillsbury fantasy book
oh wait that's not the dough boy
that's stay puft marshmallow man
suibrom: I bet there are stay-puffed marshmallow man erotic fan fictions
me: same dif
haha I bet that you are their main demographic
suibrom: "OH GOD I GOT YOUR MARSHMALLOW CREAM ALL OVER ME"
me: "get me all sticky, marshmallow man!"
oh god, I'm going to come on your face!
then you see Staypuft's angry face
suibrom: hahah
http://www.delaneynetwork.com/archives/stay-puft-angry.jpg
me: hahah exactly
that's what I saw in my head when I said that
wow the conversation pretty much comes to a halt after something like that
suibrom: yeah, really.. where do you go from there?
me: no where
it can't really get funnier from there
suibrom: except maybe that that's the same face when getting it in the butt
me: but yet nothing else seems to be worth discussing after that
HAHA
Sunday, July 12, 2009
me: and I can't make fortune cookies worth a shit anyway
suibrom: make them fortune balls
me: you're a fortune ball
suibrom: I know. rub them,I will tell your fortune. YOUR HANDS WILL SMELL OF BALL SWEAT IN THE NEAR FUTURE
me: no thank you, my fortune will be "you just rubbed some guy's balls"
suibrom: hahah
me: hahah you should become a fortune teller "let me gaze into my crystal balls" then you look down your pants "your fortune is I think I have chlaymidia"
suibrom: haha "and now so do you"
me: you'd be a great fortune teller
suibrom: I'd wear a big shiny turban and everything
me: oooh shiney. that way you'd be labeled gay instead of a terrorist
suibrom: Madam Chlamydia what, terrorists can't be gay?
me: they can but the gen. public doesn't know that. they think you're after your 45 virgin GIRLS or whatever. not your 45 slutty gay guys
suibrom: haha can they all be firemen?
me: if what you blow up is important enough
suibrom: awesome. That's like the ultimate terrorist. no one suspects the flamboyantly gay hair dresser
me: haha I didn't see it, but wasn't that adam sandler movie Zohar about that/
suibrom: haha yeah probably. it was adam sandler. there was probably a gay terrorist involved somewhere
me: ah, adam sandler. how I used to enjoy your movies. what happened?
suibrom: he stopped being a funny, immature 20-something, and just grew up into a sad, pathetic 40-something
me: wow. you know everthing
suibrom: make them fortune balls
me: you're a fortune ball
suibrom: I know. rub them,I will tell your fortune. YOUR HANDS WILL SMELL OF BALL SWEAT IN THE NEAR FUTURE
me: no thank you, my fortune will be "you just rubbed some guy's balls"
suibrom: hahah
me: hahah you should become a fortune teller "let me gaze into my crystal balls" then you look down your pants "your fortune is I think I have chlaymidia"
suibrom: haha "and now so do you"
me: you'd be a great fortune teller
suibrom: I'd wear a big shiny turban and everything
me: oooh shiney. that way you'd be labeled gay instead of a terrorist
suibrom: Madam Chlamydia what, terrorists can't be gay?
me: they can but the gen. public doesn't know that. they think you're after your 45 virgin GIRLS or whatever. not your 45 slutty gay guys
suibrom: haha can they all be firemen?
me: if what you blow up is important enough
suibrom: awesome. That's like the ultimate terrorist. no one suspects the flamboyantly gay hair dresser
me: haha I didn't see it, but wasn't that adam sandler movie Zohar about that/
suibrom: haha yeah probably. it was adam sandler. there was probably a gay terrorist involved somewhere
me: ah, adam sandler. how I used to enjoy your movies. what happened?
suibrom: he stopped being a funny, immature 20-something, and just grew up into a sad, pathetic 40-something
me: wow. you know everthing
Thursday, April 23, 2009
phoemeister (2:19:37 PM): I enjoy made up racist words or curses
Suibrom (2:19:43 PM): haha I know you do
phoemeister (2:20:19 PM): Zwan it all! My Harry Mullen Jr. is going to Adam Clayton those bovely japs!
phoemeister (2:20:29 PM): only you know what that means
phoemeister (2:20:31 PM): does it frighten you?
phoemeister (2:20:41 PM): if I die you'll be the only one
phoemeister (2:20:54 PM): to hold up the torch of our made up curse words and racial slurs
Suibrom (2:21:22 PM): hahah
Suibrom (2:21:35 PM): that is the best sentence ever created in the history of written and spoken language
phoemeister (2:21:40 PM): hahah thanks
Suibrom (2:22:24 PM): I have one of those that I have with brooke, and I think mike was there so he's a part of it
Suibrom (2:22:31 PM): I mis-heard her say something to me
Suibrom (2:22:52 PM): and I thought she said "You can get the pirates"
Suibrom (2:23:12 PM): and I thought it was some kind of new england figure of speech for "go fuck yourself"
phoemeister (2:23:21 PM): hahahaha
Suibrom (2:23:25 PM): she had actually said "you can get the parts" or something like that
Suibrom (2:23:27 PM): but it's stuck
phoemeister (2:23:42 PM): I might have to start using it too just because pirates are awesome
Suibrom (2:19:43 PM): haha I know you do
phoemeister (2:20:19 PM): Zwan it all! My Harry Mullen Jr. is going to Adam Clayton those bovely japs!
phoemeister (2:20:29 PM): only you know what that means
phoemeister (2:20:31 PM): does it frighten you?
phoemeister (2:20:41 PM): if I die you'll be the only one
phoemeister (2:20:54 PM): to hold up the torch of our made up curse words and racial slurs
Suibrom (2:21:22 PM): hahah
Suibrom (2:21:35 PM): that is the best sentence ever created in the history of written and spoken language
phoemeister (2:21:40 PM): hahah thanks
Suibrom (2:22:24 PM): I have one of those that I have with brooke, and I think mike was there so he's a part of it
Suibrom (2:22:31 PM): I mis-heard her say something to me
Suibrom (2:22:52 PM): and I thought she said "You can get the pirates"
Suibrom (2:23:12 PM): and I thought it was some kind of new england figure of speech for "go fuck yourself"
phoemeister (2:23:21 PM): hahahaha
Suibrom (2:23:25 PM): she had actually said "you can get the parts" or something like that
Suibrom (2:23:27 PM): but it's stuck
phoemeister (2:23:42 PM): I might have to start using it too just because pirates are awesome
Saturday, March 7, 2009
phoemeister (11:21:41 AM): we should be buddy cops
phoemeister (11:21:47 AM): and every week Mike is the perp
Suibrom (11:21:48 AM): that would be awesome
Suibrom (11:21:56 AM): you're the wild card
Suibrom (11:22:10 AM): and i'm the old about-to-retire guy?
phoemeister (11:22:23 AM): yeah unless you want two wild cards, bitches!
Suibrom (11:22:28 AM): haha
Suibrom (11:22:35 AM): I'm too old for that shit
phoemeister (11:22:52 AM): hahah YES
phoemeister (11:24:02 AM): we could both be widcards who are about to retire
Suibrom (11:24:08 AM): haha
Suibrom (11:24:22 AM): I'm too old for this MOTHER COCK GIRAFFE DONKEY
phoemeister (11:21:47 AM): and every week Mike is the perp
Suibrom (11:21:48 AM): that would be awesome
Suibrom (11:21:56 AM): you're the wild card
Suibrom (11:22:10 AM): and i'm the old about-to-retire guy?
phoemeister (11:22:23 AM): yeah unless you want two wild cards, bitches!
Suibrom (11:22:28 AM): haha
Suibrom (11:22:35 AM): I'm too old for that shit
phoemeister (11:22:52 AM): hahah YES
phoemeister (11:24:02 AM): we could both be widcards who are about to retire
Suibrom (11:24:08 AM): haha
Suibrom (11:24:22 AM): I'm too old for this MOTHER COCK GIRAFFE DONKEY
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