hooker entrails

Stevenson: So, did you get an Iphone?
Me: um
Me: no
Me: why?
Stevenson: My store is right next to a Cingular store, and there were people camping out.
Stevenson: It was retarded.
Me: haha lame
Stevenson: I only bring it up because I'm looking at a website where somebody dissected one.
Me: is it awesome inside?
Me: does it remind you of hooker entrails?
Stevenson: I have no idea what all this crap in here is.
Me: that's how I feel when I look at hooker entrails
Me: that doesn't keep me from wearing them as a hat though

I'm into that sort of thing

Phoemeister: maybe I should go back on ritalin
Phoemeister: though that's actually an upper and would keep me up all night
Phoemeister: I mean for actual interactions with people so I don't scare them
bishopposey: haha
bishopposey: I wasn't scared!
bishopposey: I did pee my pants though.
bishopposey: But that was just for fun.
bishopposey: Because I'm into that sort of thing.

bishopposey: I hate Wednesday because I have to talk to the idiot Budweiser sales guy and tell him not to send me so much Bud Light.
Phoemeister: aww :/
Phoemeister: you should take a tire iron with you
bishopposey: for dramatic effect.
Phoemeister: and hit it menacingly against your hand the whole time you talk to him
Phoemeister: perhaps make reference to a Miller salesman you once kneecapped
Phoemeister: or you could just do the thing where you pee your pants
bishopposey: You make me so mad I have to pee!
bishopposey: Or I could just pee on his face.
Phoemeister: haha
bishopposey: My pee tastes better than bud light.
Phoemeister: snap!
Phoemeister: you should just say that to him
Phoemeister: and/or prove it for him
bishopposey: drink it! I aged it in beechwood, motherfucker!
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: I can just imagine you keeping your pee in a beechwood cask in the basment for like a month
Phoemeister: just to prove this point

sleep IM

Phoemeister: I'm just saying, if I get a second job and am not on as much anymore
Phoemeister: this shit won't fly!
Suibrom: I will DIE
Phoemeister: you will die
Phoemeister: because you'll only get to talk to me an hour every day
Suibrom: haha man that would suck
Phoemeister: and about 45 minutes of that will be you lagging
Suibrom: that's not nearly enough time to get all the good stuff in
Phoemeister: for reals :/
Suibrom: You just need to not sleep ever
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: or just IM you in my sleep
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: there you go
Phoemeister: except you would be asleep anyway the time I would be sleeping
Suibrom: True
Suibrom: maybe I will IM you back in my sleep
Phoemeister: hahahaha
Phoemeister: and then you can read it all hte next day on gwasas
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: that would be awesome
Phoemeister: haha yeah
Phoemeister: I'd be like, "let's see, what did Ryan and I talk about last night? Oh, that's quite funny. I wish I had been awake."
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: "I dreamed awesome things last night about talking to ryan.. whoa, and then I quoted them"

poosturbation

Suibrom: http://www.paxtonland.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/baby-on-nevermind-album-cover.JPG
Phoemeister: uh, why did you link this to me?
Suibrom: that's the baby from the nirvana nevermind album cover
Suibrom: he's 17 now
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: I've seen interviews with him before
Phoemeister: it just makes me feel old
Suibrom: yeah it's crazy
Phoemeister: like there was some 15 year old at borders buying nirvana one day
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: and I was all trying to tell him he was making a good choice
Suibrom: "it's for my grandpa"
Phoemeister: and I could tell he was like, "why is this old lady talking to me?"
Phoemeister: exactly
Suibrom: "he really digs this oldies music"
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: man, I had the same thing, some kid came in for American Idiot by Greenday
Phoemeister: and I was all trying to convince him to get Dookie too/instead, and he wasn't having any of it
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: it's named poo! how good can it be?!
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: well my opinion is that in trying to be "grown up" they've lost something
Phoemeister: their old stuff is way better
Suibrom: yeah I agree
Phoemeister: plus the kid was like 12
Phoemeister: I bet he'd rather poo and masturbation jokes to political commentary anyway

poo finger

Phoemeister: I'm not really a huge donut fan
Suibrom: well I'm not a huge Amy fan!
Suibrom: Okay, that's a lie, I am
Phoemeister: haha thanks
Phoemeister: I hope you have an Amy-themed foam finger
Suibrom: I do
Suibrom: Amy's Number 2!
Suibrom: it's also stained brown
Phoemeister: hahaahah
Phoemeister: you douche
Suibrom: and that 's is more of a posessive than a contraction
Phoemeister: yeah, I laughed really hard, but the joke's over
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: The poo joke is very over when it's about you

hatred out of context

bishopposey: I hate you.
Phoemeister: not as much as I hate you
bishopposey: psshhhh.
bishopposey: whatever, talk to the hand.
Phoemeister: haha, way to use a slang expression that's at least ten years out of date
Phoemeister: that'll show me!

masturbating on an open flame

ASHJoxer: I'll light your fire, girl.
Phoemeister: too late
Phoemeister: I'm an ASHLEY INFERNO
ASHJoxer: hahaha
Phoemeister: if I die in the blaze it will be worth it
ASHJoxer: Huggies!
ASHJoxer: haha
Phoemeister: don't hug me! You'll get Ashley fever too!
Phoemeister: I'm sure it's double dangerous when you ARE Ashley!
ASHJoxer: I'd be masterbating on an open flame.
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: exactly

Ragnarok

bishopposey: Maybe it's ragnarok.
Phoemeister: *gasp*
bishopposey: It's okay, I have a sword.
Phoemeister: awesome
Phoemeister: I'll stand behind you
bishopposey: Also, I'm Thor.
Phoemeister: wouldn't you have a hammer then?
bishopposey: damnit!

suicide

Phoemeister: I don't want to go to wooork
Suibrom: me either
Phoemeister: suicide pact
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: arrite, you go first

double aunt

Phoemeister: I'm a double aunt today!
Dr4g0nR3b0rn: double aunt? that like some freaky sex thing?

I think I'm going to be talking to Mike less from now on.

mondays

Phoemeister: you are a scary man, Ryan
Suibrom: only when I need to be
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: or when people ask you to
Phoemeister: or if it's rainy outside
Phoemeister: or it's a monday
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: or the fifth of the month
Suibrom: no way, I like rainy days
Suibrom: mondays though, do suck
Phoemeister: see
Suibrom: I probably would kill a man on a monday

mime porn

bishopposey (2:02:25 PM): I can't believe that isn't on the INTERNET.
Phoemeister (2:03:10 PM): haha I know. I get sad when the netterwebs let me down
Phoemeister (2:03:14 PM): I thought it could do anything!
bishopposey (2:03:47 PM): Well when all is said and done, it's still only human. Well, many humans, sitting in a room, typing really fast.
bishopposey (2:04:04 PM): That's how the internet works, right?
Phoemeister (2:05:04 PM): of course
Phoemeister (2:05:12 PM): but I think there's also a couple of mimes too
Phoemeister (2:05:18 PM): in case deaf people want to use the webernet
bishopposey (2:05:36 PM): Yeah, and the mimes are in charge of the pictures.
Phoemeister (2:07:25 PM): wow, those mimes sure like porn
bishopposey (2:07:36 PM): eeewwww, mime porn.
Phoemeister (2:08:22 PM): hahaha wow, I hadn't even thought of that
Phoemeister (2:09:02 PM): I was more thinking of the fact that there are a lot of pornographic pictures on the netterwebs (so I've heard) and that the mimes are in charge of the pictures
Phoemeister (2:09:09 PM): you, sir, are filthy!
bishopposey (2:09:10 PM): hah
bishopposey (2:09:18 PM): Whatever, I don't watch mime porn.
bishopposey (2:10:41 PM): I just peddle it on street corners.
bishopposey (2:12:37 PM): RIght now I've got a backpack full of "Mime in the Hymen 3" I need to get rid of.
bishopposey (2:12:42 PM): Know anybody that might be interested?
Phoemeister (2:12:44 PM): haha
Phoemeister (2:12:47 PM): um
Phoemeister (2:12:48 PM): ME
Phoemeister (2:12:51 PM): that sounds awesome
bishopposey (2:13:08 PM): It only took me 10 seconds to come up with that title

chain emails

Phoemeister: man, I really wish my grandpa's girlfriend would not send me retarded chain emails
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: just saying, you'd think by like 70 or whatever you'd know better
Suibrom: then again.. old ladies on computers
Phoemeister: haha ouch
Phoemeister: also like you know how half of them are like, "think of your crush! it really works!" or whatever
Phoemeister: she already has her crush, unless it isn't my grandpa
Suibrom: haha yeah
Phoemeister: and then I'm offended

act natural

bishopposey: I'm supposed to go to this party tomorrow night... no, not just supposed, I WANT to, but I'm afraid my stomach will get all upset.
bishopposey: yargh
Phoemeister: aww
Phoemeister: look, if worst comes to worst
Phoemeister: just shit on someone's chest and then act like they asked you to
Phoemeister: and then everyone will think that person is the freak
bishopposey: hahaha
bishopposey: Have you used that one before?
Phoemeister: haha no, I just thought it up, actually
bishopposey: that's brilliant.
Phoemeister: but I do have tons of hilarious poo talk
Phoemeister: thank you
Phoemeister: I'm the einstein of the poo impaired world

angry sex

Phoemeister: got anyone who needs a stabbing?
Phoemeister: cause I could totally do it for you
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: if I was a woman
Suibrom: I would say my vagina needs stabbing
Suibrom: with a penis
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: If I were a man
Phoemeister: I'D DO IT
Suibrom: hahah
Suibrom: I take that as a weird sort of compliment
Suibrom: "if you were woman, and I was a man, i'd do you"
Phoemeister: noooo
Phoemeister: "If you were a woman, and I was a man, I would ANGRILY do it with you"
Suibrom: hahah
Suibrom: that's okay
Suibrom: I like it rough
Suibrom: I mean, in this hypothetical situation
Phoemeister: haha whatever
Phoemeister: I'm in the mood to break things
Phoemeister: people
Phoemeister: vaginas
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: whatever

Ryan beats up anorexic teans

Phoemeister: you're a strange strange man, Ryanthor Murdoch
Suibrom: Thank you Amystohpeles Penelope Firebuns


uibrom: that can be your secret identity
Phoemeister: which?
Suibrom: yes
Phoemeister: sandwich
Suibrom: mmm.. SILF
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: best conversation ever

Suibrom: Think I'm gonna go soak in the bath for a bit though.. my muscles are still sore from last night
Suibrom: I'll be back in a bit
Phoemeister: see ya
Phoemeister: I know how difficult it is to beat up anorexic teen girls

urine the clear

Phoemeister: do you ever freak out when you're drinking something that is the same temperature as urine?
Phoemeister: because it remindes you of urine?
Phoemeister: because of the temperature?
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: I just did
Phoemeister: my tea is urine temperature right now
Suibrom: that's kind of odd
Suibrom: is it really urine?
Phoemeister: well it's the first time I've thought about it
Phoemeister: no
Suibrom: have you ever drank urine before?
Phoemeister: no
Phoemeister: but I'm pretty sure it's not pink

Verbal S & M

Phoemeister: I mean I'm not saying I would rock out to this every day
Phoemeister: but the happiness makes me happy
Phoemeister: which I can use sometimes
Suibrom: yay happy!
Suibrom: I know hwo much you need apenis
Suibrom: I mean.. happiness
Phoemeister: haha both
Phoemeister: this is as close as I'm going to get to penis, I'm sure
Suibrom: man I hope not
Phoemeister: I'm going to be the 40 year old virgin. And then... continue being a virgin
Phoemeister: and then die
Suibrom: aww no
Suibrom: you will totally get some wang
Phoemeister: haha thanks for the pep talk
Suibrom: well there's no hurt in trying!
Phoemeister: mmm... I dunno
Phoemeister: obviously I am trying
Phoemeister: but it is less depressing when I am not trying
Suibrom: haha true
Suibrom: I don't see a wang inside you though
Suibrom: so you're not trying hard enough
Phoemeister: hahah so creepy
Suibrom: haha I know
Suibrom: I was like "wow did I just say that?"
Phoemeister: I think it would be hilarious if you called me in the middle of my first time
Phoemeister: "congrats you finally have wang in you!"
Suibrom: "What's up amy? are you doing it?! AWESOME!"
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: if someone has to ruin my first time, and it's not the guy I'm actually doing
Phoemeister: I want it to be you, Ryan
Suibrom: haha thanks
Phoemeister: you're welcome
Suibrom: I hope I can be the one to interrupt your first time
Suibrom: though hopefully not in person
Suibrom: but that would be hilarious
Suibrom: just walk in.. all nonchalant
Phoemeister: haha yeah
Suibrom: eating an apple or something
Phoemeister: haha what?
Suibrom: "what's up amy? how are things going on in here?"
Phoemeister: HAHAH
Phoemeister: I more imagine you coming in
Phoemeister: "CLEAN YOURSELF, FILTHY WHORE"
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: "JESUS NO LONGER WANTS YOU"
Suibrom: throw a towel on you
Phoemeister: haha yeah
Suibrom: SINNER
Phoemeister: I still love that the very last thing you said to me
Phoemeister: the last time I saw you
Phoemeister: was you gave me three dollars and said, "here's three dollars. Clean yourself up."
Suibrom: hahaha
Suibrom: I know that was great
Phoemeister: I think the fact that you are my best friend
Phoemeister: probably means that I have incredibly low self esteem
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: no way, you kick me in the ribs all the time to get me back for it
Phoemeister: haha so I just am into verbal S & M and we take turns?
Suibrom: haha yeah basically
Suibrom: with NO safety word!
Suibrom: we're crazyl ike that
Phoemeister: OH MY GOD
Phoemeister: what if we choke
Suibrom: Then we'll go down in PLEASURE
Phoemeister: hahaha

SILF

Phoemeister: yeah, I can't afford any of them
Phoemeister: but I still keep going to the sites and looking at them
Phoemeister: like, "I really really want SILF. What will I do? What will I do?"
Suibrom: would you fuck a sandwich for that shirt?
Phoemeister: yes
Phoemeister: I would dry hump a sandwich, certainly
Phoemeister: and if I had a wang, I would stick it in the sandwich
Phoemeister: but I really don't want to stick it up my vagina
Suibrom: would you record yourself fucking a sandwich on the interweb for that shirt?
Phoemeister: does that count?
Phoemeister: I would record the dryhumping if I could wear pants
Suibrom: man you're not dedicated to this shirt at all
Phoemeister: haha

Amystopheles

Me: Ryanthor!
Ryan: Amystopheles!
Me: yessss
Me: I like that one
Me: I'm keeping it
Ryan: haha nice
Me: I have to change all my logins on everything from Phoemeister to that
Ryan: I would be honored
Me: well, I am getting tired of explainin Phoemeister to people
Me: I'd think Amystopheles would be more self explanitory
Ryan: "i'm pretty much the devil and my name is amy"
Me: that's exactly the message I want to convey
Me: too bad I'm so lazy
Me: haha next time someone asks me what Phoemeister means
Me: I should be like, "It means I was too lazy to change it to Amystopheles like I wanted"
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: That's a good reason

brokeback mount doom

Me: also I'm reading a book about gay trolls
Mike: well thats certainly interesting
Mike: im reading dune
Me: mine wins

mike, mike, mike

Dr4g0nR3b0rn: omg, floated on the salt river today
Phoemeister: god, mike
Phoemeister: you're going to go blind
Dr4g0nR3b0rn: yeah, it did make my eyes wacky for a while
Phoemeister: seriously, what is the salt river, aside from an awesome euphemism for a lot of semen?
Dr4g0nR3b0rn: ah, ther is a river near here
Dr4g0nR3b0rn: it was pretty badass
Dr4g0nR3b0rn: tubing down it
Phoemeister: "tubing down it" still doesn't dissuade me from the notion that this is an elaborate reference to you jacking off
Dr4g0nR3b0rn: maybe you just like to think of me in a constant masturbatory state
Dr4g0nR3b0rn: don't .... don't fight it. just go with it
Dr4g0nR3b0rn: next time im laying on my back jacking off into my face i'll record it for you
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: I'll send it into america's funniest home videos

A comment from Ryan RE: the above conver:

Suibrom: bob saget would love that shit

drunkeness rating

Ryan: how drunk was he?
Me: he acted more sober than the guy who spilled beer on me, the guy getting handsy with wendi, the man I entrusted my friend's life to, the drug dealer of the man I entrusted my friend's life to
Mer: but drunker than wendi and I

meth

Phoemeister: snap
Phoemeister: way to grind that salt right into the injury :P
Stiverson8: your tears taste sweet
Phoemeister: I ate a lot of garlic
Phoemeister: it gets excreted out my tears
Stiverson8: that wouldn't make your tears sweet
Phoemeister: um
Phoemeister: by "garlic"
Phoemeister: I meant "candy"
Stiverson8: and by "candy" you mean "crystal meth amphetamine"
Phoemeister: and by "crystal meth amphetamine"
Phoemeister: I mean "awesome"
Stiverson8: I see no valid connection
Phoemeister: what, meth isn't awesome?
Stiverson8: you lose
Stiverson8: $10
Stiverson8: or you know what...
Stiverson8: go make those into euros for me

gay bar!

Me: okay, should I or should I not message someone I want to like me with "I got something to put in you at the gay bar! Gay bar!"
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: you totally should
Me: awww, perhaps this person knew I was going to say that
Me: he left before I could message him about gay bar fun
Ryan: you could say "I wanna take you to a GAY BAR! GAY BAR!"
Ryan: and then when they go "uh what?"
Ryan: you can be like "LET"S START A WAR"
Me: wouldn't it be awesome if for a day I could only say lines from Electric Six songs?
Me: like someone calls up about a claim
Ryan: I have a feeling.. that might not work out well
Me: and I'm like, "GAY BAR GAY BAR"
Ryan: what would be even more awesome
Ryan: is if someone called up for a claim
Ryan: about a fire at the taco bell
Me: ROFLMAO
Me: and I'd be like, "ITS MY DESIRE"
Ryan: hahahah
Ryan: yeaih I was just going to say that

buddy cops!

Suibrom: buddy time?
Suibrom: the training stuff?
Phoemeister: yeah
Suibrom: You should totally go into like a buddy cop movie
Suibrom: and since you're way older than everyone else
Phoemeister: "I'm too old for this shit!"
Suibrom: you can be the danny glover character
Phoemeister: wow, this is weird. The first time you bring up buddy cops and not me
Suibrom: you should end every call you have today with that
Suibrom: "I'm too old for this shit." *clicK*
Suibrom: and your buddy would be like "Come on Amy! We gotta go save My wife/kid/cousin and blow up the bad guys!"
Suibrom: Though in reality, they'd probably just say "what the hell do you think you're doing ending calls like that?"
Suibrom: and you can tell them "I'm too old for this shit"
Phoemeister: haha and punch them in the face
Phoemeister: and scream, "You, (their name), are no Mel Gibson!"
Phoemeister: "You're lucky if you're even Cagney"
Phoemeister: You're definitely not Samuel L Jackson. Yippe ka oh, motherfucker!
Suibrom: You can be Sammy Ell
Suibrom: You need to find your Bruce Willis
Suibrom: and turn this mother into a gay porn flick
Suibrom: where he's all "Oh yeah, we're best buddy cops ever.. let's get it on"
Phoemeister: haha what?
Phoemeister: I dont' remember this
Suibrom: Only it won't be really gay because you're a woman
Suibrom: Dude, I'm trying to get you some action! just GO with it
Suibrom: and hopefully it doesn't have a twist ending like 6th sense, where he's all "Don't cry for me, I'm already dead"
Suibrom: and then I have to make fun of you for your necrophilia
Phoemeister: make fun of me? You'd be proud of me
Suibrom: well yeah
Suibrom: but I'd have all kinds of jokes
Suibrom: I like my coffee like Amy likes her men.. DEAD

ghetto talk

Phoemeister: Man I need a friend who lives near me who has great ideas about things to do
Phoemeister: and is willing to do really stupid shit
Suibrom: I suck at that, but I would tag along for said things
Phoemeister: aww
Phoemeister: thank you
Suibrom: haha of course : )
Suibrom: I'm all for crazy stupid things
Suibrom: as long as they're fun
Phoemeister: man even doing nothing is better with someone else
Suibrom: So true
Phoemeister: well like humping murals in chicago is the kind of shit I was thinking about
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: see, I'm all about that
Suibrom: I might not be able sit there and go "let's go hump things!"
Suibrom: but I would totally be down with walking around and being like "let's hum that!"
Suibrom: hump that
Suibrom: rather
Phoemeister: haha nice
Phoemeister: see, yeah. All the time I get these asinine ideas of things to do and I keep them to myself because I don't think anyone else would want to do them
Phoemeister: like dress up in a prom dress and go to mcdonalds
Suibrom: "let's drive to chicago and jump off the sear's tower!"
Phoemeister: or drink in the walgreen's parking lot
Suibrom: hahah
Phoemeister: haha
Suibrom: I've been there man!
Phoemeister: mcdonalds in prom dress?
Suibrom: I hung out with a bunch of people drinking in a Food City parking lot
Phoemeister: haha is it fun?
Suibrom: and it was hilarious having my friend Erin, who's like a 5-foot-nothing girl calling mike a PUSSY because he can't drink vodka straight like she can
Phoemeister: HAHAH
Phoemeister: nice
Suibrom: But she cheats since she's been living in eastern europe for like.. 5 years or something
Phoemeister: man I'd love to learn drinking straight vodka and pwn him even worse because I'm not a drinker
Phoemeister: haha
Suibrom: And then of course my friend caleb pointing at people and using the forbidden curses from harry potter
Suibrom: CRUCIO!
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: see!
Phoemeister: this is good times that I need to have!
Suibrom: haha yeah
Phoemeister: but no one I know would be up for it
Suibrom: this is good times that can only be had in a nothing-to-do small town like Yuma
Suibrom: Move to Yuma!
Phoemeister: well that's how BN is!
Suibrom: we'd do crazy stuff all the time
Phoemeister: there is NOTHING to do here yet people refuse to make their own fun or let other people suggest weird things!
Suibrom: The only other options here are 1) go to mexico to get drunk 2) go to mexico to dance clubs to get drunk or 3) go to mexico to get drunk and sleep with a trans-gendered prostitute
Suibrom: I think we need to find some way.. to put our conversations on the gwasas blog in REAL TIME
Suibrom: so people can always see what amy and ryan are talking about
Phoemeister: haha that would be sweet
Phoemeister: it would suck though if we had any like deeply personal convers
Suibrom: If I was less of a crappy programmer, I could probably do it
Phoemeister: hah I'm even worse
Phoemeister: I flunked out of a computer science minor
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: I stopped going to my programming classes when I decided I hated computer programmers and programming professors
Suibrom: There's a way to export the aim conversation to a file.. and it's already an html
Suibrom: it wouldn't be too hard to just have it to dhat after every line
Suibrom: and then upload that file somewhere
Suibrom: it would be kind of like it's real time
Phoemeister: ooooooh
Suibrom: you'd just have to make usre the browser was set to auto-reload itself like.. every second
Phoemeister: I kept going, but fucking up my programs because I was stupid
Suibrom: I mean, that would be the getto way to do it
Suibrom: ghetto
Phoemeister: haha we're ghetto
Phoemeister: so it works
Phoemeister: Amy & Ryan's Ghetto Talk
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: Ghetto Talk, with Amy and Ryan
Phoemeister: evs
Suibrom: you need to put up more though
Suibrom: because I'm done reading all the old ones :X