ass poisoning

(5:12:31 PM) Me: and actually this time I was being sarcastic :P
(5:13:13 PM) Optimus Prime: yes, but I defeated your sarcasm by taking it seriously
(5:13:40 PM) Me: it felt like being a little girl whose parents told her she will never be pretty
(5:14:09 PM) Optimus Prime: oh... btw....
(5:14:12 PM) Me: ?
(5:14:25 PM) Optimus Prime: c'mon, now
(5:14:29 PM) Optimus Prime: think
(5:14:30 PM) Me: you're not my mom!
(5:14:35 PM) Optimus Prime: no...
(5:14:40 PM) Optimus Prime: I was going to say...
(5:14:49 PM) Optimus Prime: you'll never be pretty
(5:14:56 PM) Me: yeah and I was saying you're not my mom
(5:15:03 PM) Me: so it's not my parents telling me I'll never be pretty
(5:15:14 PM) Me: someone who just bangs my mom doesn't count
(5:15:44 PM) Optimus Prime: well, I'm like your dad in that respect
(5:16:12 PM) Me: yeah but you still aren't my real daddy
(5:16:46 PM) Me: your opinion is nothing!
(5:16:58 PM) Optimus Prime: I can still take you over my knee, girl!
(5:17:20 PM) Me: and then I'll have you arrested as a sex offender, creepy step dad
(5:17:31 PM) Me: "she touched my butt"
(5:17:42 PM) Optimus Prime: right
(5:17:46 PM) Optimus Prime: except you're not a minor
(5:18:37 PM) Optimus Prime: I'll tell them you wanted me to spank you
(5:18:41 PM) Me: well then maybe I'll join the army and fight for my country
(5:18:45 PM) Optimus Prime: after all, I do have a nice collection of floggers
(5:19:25 PM) Me: I'm going to coat my ass in poison so whoever touches it dies horribly
(5:19:35 PM) Me: but like in a way so that it doesn't touch me
(5:19:42 PM) Optimus Prime: that's what the floggers are for. someone will pay me extra for that
(5:19:58 PM) Me: I don't want "Phoexx0r died of ass poisoning today" as part of my obit
(5:20:16 PM) Optimus Prime: well, your obit will most likely be ass related
(5:20:42 PM) Me: haha "her colon finally EXPLODED! We knew it would happen sooner or later. Steve won the pool, he picked Oct 13"
(5:20:55 PM) Optimus Prime: exactly
(5:21:57 PM) Me: what day did you bet on? I can make you rich
(5:22:26 PM) Optimus Prime: nah, I don't like dirty money
(5:22:29 PM) Optimus Prime: that would be cheating
(5:23:28 PM) Me: haha you're already betting on the date of an ass death of a close friend
(5:23:37 PM) Me: and now you have scruples?
(5:24:00 PM) Optimus Prime: don't split hairs
(5:24:09 PM) Optimus Prime: you're going to die anyway
(5:24:10 PM) Me: haha
(5:25:05 PM) Me: you're a ray of sunshine
(5:25:30 PM) Optimus Prime: well ... c'mon
(5:25:36 PM) Optimus Prime: we all gotta go sometime
(5:25:43 PM) Optimus Prime: your colon just makes it more interesting
(5:25:45 PM) Optimus Prime: and messy
(5:25:52 PM) Me: haha
(5:26:14 PM) Me: "crap everywhere! this is awesome!"
(5:26:25 PM) Me: Eh, I probably would rather crapstorm than alzheimers
(5:26:27 PM) Me: so I got that going for me
(5:26:41 PM) Optimus Prime: you'll prolly both
(5:26:51 PM) Me: haha
(5:26:57 PM) Me: "how did all this get here?"
(5:27:07 PM) Me: "oh wait now I'm dead"
(5:29:21 PM) Optimus Prime: that's how it happens a lot
(5:29:38 PM) Optimus Prime: mostly alzheimer's patients forget to go to the toilet when they have to crap
(5:29:39 PM) Me: well I guess technically most people have a minor crap storm
(5:29:45 PM) Me: since your bowels escape
(5:29:45 PM) Optimus Prime: you'd prolly die from the smell
(5:29:54 PM) Optimus Prime: evacuate
(5:30:11 PM) Me: quiet, you
(5:30:17 PM) Optimus Prime: they don't actually break free of their own volition