unicorns have boners coming out of their heads

(11:20:31 PM) Me: do bugs just love your feet?
(11:20:35 PM) Stevenson: My feets must be easy targets.
(11:20:45 PM) Stevenson: Well, that's where I keep 80% of my blood.
(11:20:48 PM) Me: haha
(11:20:51 PM) Me: ah, I get it now
(11:21:29 PM) Me: that's probably why I bite your feet too
(11:21:46 PM) Stevenson: OH MY GOD, THAT'S DISGUSTING!
(11:22:03 PM) Me: then how come you have a boner right now?
(11:22:24 PM) Stevenson: Because I was stroking my wang.
(11:22:40 PM) Stevenson: Did you take your cameras home already?
(11:22:46 PM) Me: yeah
(11:22:52 PM) Me: am I missing the good stuff right now? :/
(11:22:56 PM) Stevenson: Too bad, you're gonna miss a good show.
(11:23:17 PM) Me: you'll just have to repeat it for me tomorrow
(11:23:45 PM) Stevenson: all over your face!
(11:23:53 PM) Me: sweet
(11:24:00 PM) Me: I was looking for a new moisturizing routine
(11:24:02 PM) Stevenson: Actually, it's kind of salty.
(11:24:14 PM) Me: well
(11:24:20 PM) Me: I put oil of olay in your burritos
(11:24:33 PM) Stevenson: eeewwww.
(11:25:17 PM) Me: eww is the noise you make when I say something totally hot, right?
(11:25:23 PM) Stevenson: yes!
(11:25:29 PM) Me: AWESOME
(11:25:40 PM) Me: I'M THE SEXIEST BEAST ALIVE
(11:25:45 PM) Me: TAKE THAT, UNICORN!
(11:26:09 PM) Stevenson: Well, I dunno. Unicorns basically have big boners coming out of their heads.
(11:26:11 PM) Stevenson: That's pretty sexy.
(11:26:28 PM) Me: haha
(11:26:34 PM) Me: who says I don't?
(11:26:44 PM) Stevenson: I've seen you bonerless head!
(11:26:47 PM) Stevenson: your
(11:26:55 PM) Me: Stevenson, man
(11:26:59 PM) Me: it's a wig
(11:27:31 PM) Stevenson: There's no way you have a wig that covers up a boner.
(11:27:34 PM) Stevenson: I'd be able to tell.
(11:27:43 PM) Me: wow
(11:27:45 PM) Stevenson: I'm an expert in Bonerology.
(11:27:49 PM) Me: hahaha
(11:27:51 PM) Me: man in my head
(11:27:58 PM) Me: I just imagined a book called Bonerology
(11:28:02 PM) Me: to go with like Dragonology
(11:28:06 PM) Me: and Egyptology
(11:29:49 PM) Me: err... they were best selling children's books

screaming germans

(12:24:13 PM) Stevenson: There might not be anything better than listening to German people yell.
(12:24:37 PM) Me: hahahaha
(12:24:43 PM) Me: what prompted that remark?
(12:24:57 PM) Stevenson: Just daydreaming.
(12:27:44 PM) Me: about screaming germans?
(12:27:52 PM) Me: I like the way your mind works!
(12:27:56 PM) Stevenson: I know, I'm pretty sweet.

creepy sexual discussion

(11:43:18 PM) Me: man... you know how sometimes I tell you that I think if someone walked in on me at the computer they would think I was a sex offender?
(11:43:22 PM) Me: or at least really crazy?
(11:43:30 PM) Me: Well I have pants on for once
(11:43:49 PM) Me: but I'm listening to the muppets version of "Silent Night"
(11:43:55 PM) Me: making crazy comics
(11:44:05 PM) Me: and having another creepy sexual discussion with Stevenson
(11:44:12 PM) Me: in fact
(11:44:17 PM) Me: if Stevenson is ever online
(11:44:24 PM) Me: you can just assme that we're having a creepy sexual discussion
(11:44:55 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(11:44:59 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: oh, i do
(11:45:09 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: and that's why whenever I see you both online, you can assume I'm masturbating
(11:45:13 PM) Me: hahahaha
(11:45:21 PM) Me: I was about to say that
(11:45:25 PM) Me: you beat me to it
(11:45:34 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(11:45:39 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: no, I beat off to it
(11:45:47 PM) Me: yeah I thought of making that joke but it was too easy
(11:45:57 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: like your mother?
(11:46:02 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: AMY CLEAN YOUR ROOM
(11:46:07 PM) Me: HAHAHA
(11:46:12 PM) Me: the amy clean your room saves that one

lady jizz

(12:37:48 AM) Stevenson: Man, my boner hurts.
(12:38:16 AM) Me: btw have you ever read a book called Real Ultimate Power?
(12:38:32 AM) Stevenson: THat ninja stuff?
(12:38:35 AM) Me: yeah
(12:38:40 AM) Me: but also a lot about boners
(12:38:46 AM) Stevenson: I've flipped through it, and seen the website.
(12:38:52 AM) Me: and I've never heard the phrase boner much outside of that book and you saying it all the time
(12:38:59 AM) Me: so like every time you talk about your boner
(12:39:03 AM) Me: I like think of a ninja boner
(12:39:18 AM) Stevenson: I don't say it all the time!
(12:39:25 AM) Stevenson: Have you ever read Mansfield Park?
(12:39:25 AM) Me: haha you do
(12:39:36 AM) Me: No, I heard there's nothing about boners in it
(12:40:03 AM) Stevenson: Not true, but she does bring up lady jizz a lot.
(12:40:10 AM) Stevenson: So every time you say lady jizz I think of Jane Austen.

imaginary penis

(11:10:48 PM) Me: I think I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome
(11:11:03 PM) Stevenson: Really? That sucks dick.
(11:11:13 PM) Me: fo rizzle
(11:11:54 PM) Stevenson: That sucks big, fat, hairy, donkey dick.
(11:12:07 PM) Stevenson: And balls.
(11:12:14 PM) Stevenson: And it eats the cum.
(11:12:17 PM) Stevenson: Also, it eats babies.
(11:12:21 PM) Me: ...uh yeah
(11:12:33 PM) Me: thanks for comparing life problems to porno :P
(11:12:38 PM) Stevenson: and then it murders you in your sleep 'cause it's a serial killer!
(11:12:46 PM) Stevenson: That's how bad it is.
(11:12:50 PM) Me: that is some awesome porn you've been watching
(11:13:00 PM) Stevenson: I wrote the script myself.
(11:13:05 PM) Stevenson: You're in it, you just don't know it yet...
(11:13:31 PM) Me: sexy
(11:13:34 PM) Me: can I be the donkey?
(11:13:41 PM) Stevenson: You read my mind.
(11:13:45 PM) Stevenson: Well, you can be one half of the donkey.
(11:15:10 PM) Me: okay
(11:15:14 PM) Me: mooooo!
(11:15:39 PM) Stevenson: You're fired.
(11:15:54 PM) Me: baa?
(11:16:13 PM) Stevenson: Hmm. Interesting. You're re-hired.
(11:18:36 PM) Me: sweet
(11:18:39 PM) Me: do I get a fluffer?
(11:19:00 PM) Stevenson: Umm... you don't really need one, but I guess so.
(11:19:19 PM) Me: yaaay
(11:19:34 PM) Me: I shall have the fluffiest imaginary penis of them all!
(11:20:04 PM) Stevenson: Oh, well in that case, I'm fluffing you right now.
(11:20:08 PM) Stevenson: If it's all imaginary.
(11:20:44 PM) Me: awesome
(11:21:00 PM) Me: I'm fluffing your imaginary penis right back
(11:22:28 PM) Stevenson: I just imaginary came.
(11:22:51 PM) Stevenson: God, we're dirty lately. Or maybe it's just me.
(11:23:19 PM) Me: haha no, I think you're right
(11:23:33 PM) Stevenson: I'm not complaining though.
(11:23:38 PM) Me: I was always this pervy
(11:23:43 PM) Me: you just got that way all of a sudden
(11:23:51 PM) Stevenson: haha
(11:24:04 PM) Stevenson: I guess I finally felt like it was okay.
(11:24:21 PM) Me: it's not just okay
(11:24:25 PM) Me: it's fabulous
(11:24:39 PM) Stevenson: That's what your mom said when I was fucking her ass.

vagina shoes

I am a weird, weird, weird person.

12:24:43 PM) Me: pants are a sane man's natural enemy
(12:25:09 PM) Stevenson: I agree 100%.
(12:27:21 PM) Me: for reals
(12:27:25 PM) Me: I guess I should say "human"
(12:27:31 PM) Me: because I'm a woman (so far as I know)
(12:27:36 PM) Me: and pants are my natural enemy as well
(12:27:54 PM) Stevenson: Maybe that's a sign that you're really a man.
(12:29:27 PM) Me: probably
(12:29:36 PM) Stevenson: Hey Amy, do you have a penis?
(12:29:43 PM) Me: you'd think in a pantsless state it would be easier for me to tell whether or not I have a wang
(12:29:57 PM) Stevenson: haha
(12:30:00 PM) Stevenson: wang
(12:30:00 PM) Me: as far as I know, no. But, after that operation in mexico all bets are off
(12:30:05 PM) Me: I might have one inside or something
(12:30:12 PM) Stevenson: If you do, can I rub it on my face?
(12:32:19 PM) Me: I thought you'd never ask
(12:32:21 PM) Me: OF COURSE
(12:35:45 PM) Me: if you have a vagina
(12:35:51 PM) Me: can I put my foot in it?
(12:36:08 PM) Stevenson: well, I don't have a vagina, but if I did, YES.
(12:36:25 PM) Me: YOU ARE THE BEST
(12:36:42 PM) Me: I've always wanted to play "vagina shoes"
(12:37:50 PM) Me: now I have to find someone else to offer up their hypothetical vagina to me
(12:37:58 PM) Me: so I can have one for each foot
(12:38:05 PM) Me: I'll be the prettiest girl at the ball
(12:38:05 PM) Stevenson: Well, maybe I hypothetically have two vaginas.
(12:38:09 PM) Me: SWEEEET
(12:38:11 PM) Me: you're the best
(12:38:21 PM) Me: now I know why Satan told me to find you
(12:38:27 PM) Stevenson: Go ahead, slip 'em on. See how they feel.
(12:39:46 PM) Me: ooooh
(12:39:47 PM) Me: warm
(12:40:28 PM) Stevenson: my vaginas aren't too tight for you, are they?
(12:41:29 PM) Me: actually they are quite comfortable
(12:41:32 PM) Me: SHIT
(12:41:39 PM) Me: you've done this before, haven't you?
(12:41:53 PM) Me: I'm not your first foot in the vagina :/
(12:42:11 PM) Stevenson: Yes you are. I shoved some shampoo bottles up there to stretch them out.
(12:42:24 PM) Stevenson: They've been waiting my while life for your feet.
(12:43:33 PM) Me: hahahhaa
(12:43:43 PM) Me: even better is the gross misspellings and grammar in that sentence
(12:43:50 PM) Me: I feel the true emotion behind those words
(12:45:03 PM) Stevenson: gog damnit
(12:45:13 PM) Stevenson: WHOLE
(12:46:56 PM) Me: GOG DAMMIT
(12:47:22 PM) Stevenson: Don't make me take away your vagina shoes.
(12:48:03 PM) Me: noooo
(12:48:09 PM) Me: not my vagina shoes!

you're a super lady

bishopposey: god, I hate cleaning out my ears.
SpankingGnome: are you a waxy fella?
bishopposey: hahaha
bishopposey: I like that.
bishopposey: I imaginged you saying it like Marge Gunderson from Fargo.

jizz makes the best baby seasoning

(12:33:30 AM) Stevenson: So, I kidnapped this woman's baby today.
(12:33:33 AM) Stevenson: Stroller and everything.
(12:33:48 AM) Stevenson: I sold the stroller for 50 bucks to a homeless lady downtown.
(12:34:03 AM) Stevenson: But I can't decide if I should eat the baby or just kill it and rape it.
(12:34:08 AM) Me: haha
(12:34:10 AM) Me: you can do both
(12:34:17 AM) Me: I find that jizz makes a great baby seasoning
(12:34:23 AM) Stevenson: Well, I have this thing where I don't like to eat things I've raped.
(12:34:30 AM) Me: well next time I'll stay longer I guess
(12:34:33 AM) Me: I'm sorry :/
(12:34:36 AM) Stevenson: shooooooosh!
(12:34:40 AM) Me: psh, give it to me
(12:34:44 AM) Me: I love eating things you've raped
(12:34:51 AM) Stevenson: hahaha
(12:35:04 AM) Stevenson: Then you love eating your mom!
(12:35:26 AM) Stevenson: And I don't mean with some fava beans and a nice chianti...
(12:35:32 AM) Stevenson: BURN!

beemer steamer

Re: Stevenson's VW bug

(12:03:08 AM) Me: today I was driving around my non descript car
(12:03:11 AM) Me: and I realized
(12:03:16 AM) Me: that you have the greatest car ever
(12:03:21 AM) Me: because it makes children hit each other
(12:03:21 AM) Stevenson: haha
(12:03:29 AM) Stevenson: hahaha
(12:03:48 AM) Stevenson: I guess I'm pretty great.
(12:04:24 AM) Stevenson: And sometimes it makes adults hit children :)
(12:04:28 AM) Me: hahaaah
(12:04:37 AM) Me: well I don't need an excuse to hit children
(12:04:42 AM) Me: but I'm glad you help the more timid
(12:05:09 AM) Me: man I need to buy a cadilac
(12:05:21 AM) Me: and we need to like drive around town together in our respecitive vehicles
(12:05:28 AM) Me: making people hit children
(12:05:40 AM) Stevenson: what does the Caddy have to do with it?
(12:06:07 AM) Stevenson: are you supposed to hit people when yo see one of those?
(12:06:27 AM) Me: bug slug
(12:06:30 AM) Me: cadilac whack
(12:06:36 AM) Me: you didn't know that?
(12:06:39 AM) Stevenson: huh. Never heard of it.
(12:06:50 AM) Me: I assure you it is as prevalent as a bug slug
(12:07:32 AM) Stevenson: huh.
(12:07:35 AM) Stevenson: I think you just made it up.
(12:07:52 AM) Stevenson: BUT, we should totally just make up a hitting game for every type of car.
(12:07:58 AM) Stevenson: Like... Camry Whamry.
(12:08:36 AM) Me: haha
(12:08:43 AM) Me: Corolla I STAB YOU
(12:09:15 AM) Stevenson: Finger in your eye when you see a semi.
(12:10:40 AM) Me: haha
(12:11:56 AM) Me: oh
(12:12:03 AM) Me: man I shouldn't have used stab on corrolla
(12:12:07 AM) Me: cab stab
(12:12:11 AM) Stevenson: totally.
(12:12:36 AM) Stevenson: Beamer Cleveland Steamer.
(12:15:01 AM) Me: HAHAH
(12:15:10 AM) Me: you just.... win

re: model train guy

Phoemeister (2:17:29 PM): man, I'm lucky though. Like, both my downstairs neighbors and Dylan weren't really warned that he was creepy
Phoemeister (2:17:40 PM): so they weren't dicks to him all the time like I am
Phoemeister (2:17:55 PM): so he'd like always come to their doors and be like, "I know you're in there!" and bother them until they came out
bishopposey (2:18:03 PM): oh my god
bishopposey (2:18:07 PM): that's terrible.
Phoemeister (2:18:29 PM): that's what I'm saying
Phoemeister (2:18:40 PM): being a dick to him is my defense!
bishopposey (2:18:35 PM): You're totally justified.
Phoemeister (2:20:23 PM): thank you
bishopposey (2:20:34 PM): I, on the other hand, would probably be nice to him and end up hating myself.
Phoemeister (2:21:50 PM): I still kind of hate myself for being such a dick, and/or not just straightforwardly being like, "you know what, you creep me out. I'm sorry, but I hate talking to you. Please stop staking out the garbage cans."
Phoemeister (2:22:14 PM): I really dread taking out my garbage now
bishopposey (2:22:12 PM): But then he'd probably break into your apartment and poop in it.
Phoemeister (2:22:32 PM): haha thanks
bishopposey (2:22:28 PM): He probably makes model trains out of his poop.
Phoemeister (2:22:48 PM): haha
Phoemeister (2:23:01 PM): I both am scared by that thought and drawn to it

dead baby jesus jokes

Phoemeister: oh and some random other dude told me that jesus loves me
bishopposey: Well, he does.
Phoemeister: haha thanks
Phoemeister: I'm glad you could confirm that for me
bishopposey: Well, I was hanging out with him all day...
Phoemeister: haha wow
Phoemeister: what's jesus like when he's chillin?
bishopposey: Oh, he likes to crack jokes about dead babies too.
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: wow, I am now more fond of christianity
Phoemeister: for the dead baby joke clause
bishopposey: Well, you were made in His image.
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: nice
Phoemeister: what was jesus's best dead baby joke?
bishopposey: Ummm... let me think.
bishopposey: how did the dead baby cross the road?
bishopposey: Come on, guess!
Phoemeister: uh
Phoemeister: I don't know
Phoemeister: I give up!
bishopposey: In a black plastic garbage bag!
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: that actuall ydid make me laugh
Phoemeister: good going, jesus (or you)
Phoemeister: yes
bishopposey: haha
Phoemeister: I know you're secret
Phoemeister: JESUS
Phoemeister: don't lie
Phoemeister: I caught you walking on water the other day
bishopposey: I am Jesus.
Phoemeister: you're such a show off
bishopposey: I know, I know.
bishopposey: I'm in it for the glory.
bishopposey: I'm vainglorious.
bishopposey: Here's another one.
bishopposey: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
bishopposey: To save someone's life with it's precious stem cells!
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: that one was good
Phoemeister: you should write a book of these
bishopposey: I did, it's called the Bible. Hello? Try and keep up.
bishopposey: Well, at least part 3 of the Bible. The Testament Concerning Dead Baby Jokes.
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: ah
Phoemeister: I'm sorry, my lord and savior
Phoemeister: I will try to remember this stuff in the future
bishopposey: See that you do. Because if you mess with the bull, you get the horns.
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: that wasn't that funny
Phoemeister: but I see you trying to say it all attitudinally

DO DOES YOUR FACE

bishopposey: How do you get Goat's Milk Cheddar?
bishopposey: Shouldn't that just be gouda?
Phoemeister: I don't know much about goats
Phoemeister: not since the accident
bishopposey: Oh wow, gouda isn't even made from goat's milk.
Phoemeister: I don't know much about gouda
Phoemeister: not since the accident
bishopposey: Hey, did you know you sound like a broken record since the accident?
Phoemeister: DO DOES YOUR FACE
Phoemeister: lkasdfjlkasjdf
Phoemeister: so does your face
bishopposey: haha
Phoemeister: that would've been SO cool had I not screwed it up :P
bishopposey: No no, it was so cool because you screwed it up.
Phoemeister: haha thanks?
bishopposey: I was like, "Do does your face? I don't know what that means, but I'm insulted."
Phoemeister: I like it when my mediocrity is rewarded
Phoemeister: haha, my new way of winning arguments
Phoemeister: screaming unintelligable stuff at people
bishopposey: doesn't everyone?
Phoemeister: true
Phoemeister: I'm not even unique *sob*
bishopposey: And we'll be like, "At least she tried."

hooker entrails

Stevenson: So, did you get an Iphone?
Me: um
Me: no
Me: why?
Stevenson: My store is right next to a Cingular store, and there were people camping out.
Stevenson: It was retarded.
Me: haha lame
Stevenson: I only bring it up because I'm looking at a website where somebody dissected one.
Me: is it awesome inside?
Me: does it remind you of hooker entrails?
Stevenson: I have no idea what all this crap in here is.
Me: that's how I feel when I look at hooker entrails
Me: that doesn't keep me from wearing them as a hat though

I'm into that sort of thing

Phoemeister: maybe I should go back on ritalin
Phoemeister: though that's actually an upper and would keep me up all night
Phoemeister: I mean for actual interactions with people so I don't scare them
bishopposey: haha
bishopposey: I wasn't scared!
bishopposey: I did pee my pants though.
bishopposey: But that was just for fun.
bishopposey: Because I'm into that sort of thing.

bishopposey: I hate Wednesday because I have to talk to the idiot Budweiser sales guy and tell him not to send me so much Bud Light.
Phoemeister: aww :/
Phoemeister: you should take a tire iron with you
bishopposey: for dramatic effect.
Phoemeister: and hit it menacingly against your hand the whole time you talk to him
Phoemeister: perhaps make reference to a Miller salesman you once kneecapped
Phoemeister: or you could just do the thing where you pee your pants
bishopposey: You make me so mad I have to pee!
bishopposey: Or I could just pee on his face.
Phoemeister: haha
bishopposey: My pee tastes better than bud light.
Phoemeister: snap!
Phoemeister: you should just say that to him
Phoemeister: and/or prove it for him
bishopposey: drink it! I aged it in beechwood, motherfucker!
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: I can just imagine you keeping your pee in a beechwood cask in the basment for like a month
Phoemeister: just to prove this point

hatred out of context

bishopposey: I hate you.
Phoemeister: not as much as I hate you
bishopposey: psshhhh.
bishopposey: whatever, talk to the hand.
Phoemeister: haha, way to use a slang expression that's at least ten years out of date
Phoemeister: that'll show me!

Ragnarok

bishopposey: Maybe it's ragnarok.
Phoemeister: *gasp*
bishopposey: It's okay, I have a sword.
Phoemeister: awesome
Phoemeister: I'll stand behind you
bishopposey: Also, I'm Thor.
Phoemeister: wouldn't you have a hammer then?
bishopposey: damnit!

mime porn

bishopposey (2:02:25 PM): I can't believe that isn't on the INTERNET.
Phoemeister (2:03:10 PM): haha I know. I get sad when the netterwebs let me down
Phoemeister (2:03:14 PM): I thought it could do anything!
bishopposey (2:03:47 PM): Well when all is said and done, it's still only human. Well, many humans, sitting in a room, typing really fast.
bishopposey (2:04:04 PM): That's how the internet works, right?
Phoemeister (2:05:04 PM): of course
Phoemeister (2:05:12 PM): but I think there's also a couple of mimes too
Phoemeister (2:05:18 PM): in case deaf people want to use the webernet
bishopposey (2:05:36 PM): Yeah, and the mimes are in charge of the pictures.
Phoemeister (2:07:25 PM): wow, those mimes sure like porn
bishopposey (2:07:36 PM): eeewwww, mime porn.
Phoemeister (2:08:22 PM): hahaha wow, I hadn't even thought of that
Phoemeister (2:09:02 PM): I was more thinking of the fact that there are a lot of pornographic pictures on the netterwebs (so I've heard) and that the mimes are in charge of the pictures
Phoemeister (2:09:09 PM): you, sir, are filthy!
bishopposey (2:09:10 PM): hah
bishopposey (2:09:18 PM): Whatever, I don't watch mime porn.
bishopposey (2:10:41 PM): I just peddle it on street corners.
bishopposey (2:12:37 PM): RIght now I've got a backpack full of "Mime in the Hymen 3" I need to get rid of.
bishopposey (2:12:42 PM): Know anybody that might be interested?
Phoemeister (2:12:44 PM): haha
Phoemeister (2:12:47 PM): um
Phoemeister (2:12:48 PM): ME
Phoemeister (2:12:51 PM): that sounds awesome
bishopposey (2:13:08 PM): It only took me 10 seconds to come up with that title

act natural

bishopposey: I'm supposed to go to this party tomorrow night... no, not just supposed, I WANT to, but I'm afraid my stomach will get all upset.
bishopposey: yargh
Phoemeister: aww
Phoemeister: look, if worst comes to worst
Phoemeister: just shit on someone's chest and then act like they asked you to
Phoemeister: and then everyone will think that person is the freak
bishopposey: hahaha
bishopposey: Have you used that one before?
Phoemeister: haha no, I just thought it up, actually
bishopposey: that's brilliant.
Phoemeister: but I do have tons of hilarious poo talk
Phoemeister: thank you
Phoemeister: I'm the einstein of the poo impaired world