me: I think they emphasize that with ladies (how bad the calcium thing is) because ladies have bad bones because they occaisionally host aliens in their body who also leech the calcium right out of their bones

suibrom: haha

me: but since I don't plan on doing that ever I am not as worried, though I do want to get supplements

dude seriously, pregnancy is awful. I'm glad I don't want a kid.

suibrom: you'd just end up eating it anyway

me: True, but probably not the skeleton. I need to keep something as a trophy. I'd never get my calcium back.

suibrom: you could boil the skeleton and drink the broth

me: you are smart

do you think that would get the calcium for me?

or would it be more of a marrow/meat remnants soup deal?

suibrom: hmm dunno either way it would be delicious

me: true

I will invite you over

suibrom: haha sweet!

i'll bring my baby skull bowl

OH YEAH

Suibrom (12:30:35 PM): so I have a.. moral dilemma
phoemeister (12:30:49 PM): do NOT cheat on Brooke with the Kool Aid man
Suibrom (12:30:51 PM): haha
phoemeister (12:31:03 PM): OH YEAH
Suibrom (12:31:03 PM): but he promised me all the kool aid I could drink
phoemeister (12:31:13 PM): he lies
Suibrom (12:31:15 PM): and that we could bust through any brick wall I wanted
phoemeister (12:31:23 PM): well that part is true
Suibrom (12:31:35 PM): I could ride around inside him
Suibrom (12:31:41 PM): and just drink all the koolaid I wanted
phoemeister (12:31:42 PM): haha you're so creepy
Suibrom (12:31:49 PM): haha come on
Suibrom (12:31:51 PM): that would be awesome
Suibrom (12:31:59 PM): swimmin around inside the kool aid man
Suibrom (12:32:02 PM): bustin through walls
Suibrom (12:32:08 PM): all that ice would be great in the summer
phoemeister (12:32:14 PM): haha

phoemeister (12:07:04 PM): I ought to make you do the rest of the song
Suibrom (12:08:27 PM): i'll make you do the rest of the DONG
phoemeister (12:08:42 PM): why, I could never
phoemeister (12:08:44 PM): it's ;so big
Suibrom (12:08:49 PM): haha
Suibrom (12:09:11 PM): well, I can't argue with that
phoemeister (12:10:38 PM): Mr. T is very well endowed
phoemeister (12:15:58 PM): mango tea is delicious!
Suibrom (12:18:18 PM): are those two related?
phoemeister (12:21:27 PM): no
phoemeister (12:21:31 PM): unless you want them to beeee
Suibrom (12:21:35 PM): maybe I do
Suibrom (12:21:52 PM): maybe I want to think that mr. t's well endowed member dispenses mango tea
phoemeister (12:22:18 PM): mmm delicious
phoemeister (12:22:26 PM): note to self: give Mr. T a blow job
Suibrom (12:22:52 PM): haha
Suibrom (12:23:00 PM): Aye, there's the rub
Suibrom (12:23:02 PM): it would rip your head off
Suibrom (12:23:17 PM): you're just gonna have to let him dispense it himself
phoemeister (12:23:39 PM): ah
phoemeister (12:23:43 PM): I can watch
phoemeister (12:23:45 PM): I bet he talks to it
phoemeister (12:23:49 PM): pities it
phoemeister (12:23:57 PM): and tells it to stop with the jibba jabba
Suibrom (12:24:28 PM): haha he does
Suibrom (12:24:41 PM): he also stammers "jibba jabba" right before he finishes
phoemeister (12:25:34 PM): hahaha
phoemeister (12:26:08 PM): mr t is the perfect man
phoemeister (12:26:13 PM): but what woman could tame him?
Suibrom (12:26:30 PM): he only listens to his gold jewelry and his mohawk
phoemeister (12:26:39 PM): exactly
phoemeister (12:26:44 PM): they tell him to do terriblee thingw
phoemeister (12:26:59 PM): like that musical after school special he did in the 80's
phoemeister (12:27:06 PM): including the hit song, "respect your mother"

imaginary penis

(11:10:48 PM) Me: I think I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome
(11:11:03 PM) Stevenson: Really? That sucks dick.
(11:11:13 PM) Me: fo rizzle
(11:11:54 PM) Stevenson: That sucks big, fat, hairy, donkey dick.
(11:12:07 PM) Stevenson: And balls.
(11:12:14 PM) Stevenson: And it eats the cum.
(11:12:17 PM) Stevenson: Also, it eats babies.
(11:12:21 PM) Me: ...uh yeah
(11:12:33 PM) Me: thanks for comparing life problems to porno :P
(11:12:38 PM) Stevenson: and then it murders you in your sleep 'cause it's a serial killer!
(11:12:46 PM) Stevenson: That's how bad it is.
(11:12:50 PM) Me: that is some awesome porn you've been watching
(11:13:00 PM) Stevenson: I wrote the script myself.
(11:13:05 PM) Stevenson: You're in it, you just don't know it yet...
(11:13:31 PM) Me: sexy
(11:13:34 PM) Me: can I be the donkey?
(11:13:41 PM) Stevenson: You read my mind.
(11:13:45 PM) Stevenson: Well, you can be one half of the donkey.
(11:15:10 PM) Me: okay
(11:15:14 PM) Me: mooooo!
(11:15:39 PM) Stevenson: You're fired.
(11:15:54 PM) Me: baa?
(11:16:13 PM) Stevenson: Hmm. Interesting. You're re-hired.
(11:18:36 PM) Me: sweet
(11:18:39 PM) Me: do I get a fluffer?
(11:19:00 PM) Stevenson: Umm... you don't really need one, but I guess so.
(11:19:19 PM) Me: yaaay
(11:19:34 PM) Me: I shall have the fluffiest imaginary penis of them all!
(11:20:04 PM) Stevenson: Oh, well in that case, I'm fluffing you right now.
(11:20:08 PM) Stevenson: If it's all imaginary.
(11:20:44 PM) Me: awesome
(11:21:00 PM) Me: I'm fluffing your imaginary penis right back
(11:22:28 PM) Stevenson: I just imaginary came.
(11:22:51 PM) Stevenson: God, we're dirty lately. Or maybe it's just me.
(11:23:19 PM) Me: haha no, I think you're right
(11:23:33 PM) Stevenson: I'm not complaining though.
(11:23:38 PM) Me: I was always this pervy
(11:23:43 PM) Me: you just got that way all of a sudden
(11:23:51 PM) Stevenson: haha
(11:24:04 PM) Stevenson: I guess I finally felt like it was okay.
(11:24:21 PM) Me: it's not just okay
(11:24:25 PM) Me: it's fabulous
(11:24:39 PM) Stevenson: That's what your mom said when I was fucking her ass.

vagina shoes

I am a weird, weird, weird person.

12:24:43 PM) Me: pants are a sane man's natural enemy
(12:25:09 PM) Stevenson: I agree 100%.
(12:27:21 PM) Me: for reals
(12:27:25 PM) Me: I guess I should say "human"
(12:27:31 PM) Me: because I'm a woman (so far as I know)
(12:27:36 PM) Me: and pants are my natural enemy as well
(12:27:54 PM) Stevenson: Maybe that's a sign that you're really a man.
(12:29:27 PM) Me: probably
(12:29:36 PM) Stevenson: Hey Amy, do you have a penis?
(12:29:43 PM) Me: you'd think in a pantsless state it would be easier for me to tell whether or not I have a wang
(12:29:57 PM) Stevenson: haha
(12:30:00 PM) Stevenson: wang
(12:30:00 PM) Me: as far as I know, no. But, after that operation in mexico all bets are off
(12:30:05 PM) Me: I might have one inside or something
(12:30:12 PM) Stevenson: If you do, can I rub it on my face?
(12:32:19 PM) Me: I thought you'd never ask
(12:32:21 PM) Me: OF COURSE
(12:35:45 PM) Me: if you have a vagina
(12:35:51 PM) Me: can I put my foot in it?
(12:36:08 PM) Stevenson: well, I don't have a vagina, but if I did, YES.
(12:36:25 PM) Me: YOU ARE THE BEST
(12:36:42 PM) Me: I've always wanted to play "vagina shoes"
(12:37:50 PM) Me: now I have to find someone else to offer up their hypothetical vagina to me
(12:37:58 PM) Me: so I can have one for each foot
(12:38:05 PM) Me: I'll be the prettiest girl at the ball
(12:38:05 PM) Stevenson: Well, maybe I hypothetically have two vaginas.
(12:38:09 PM) Me: SWEEEET
(12:38:11 PM) Me: you're the best
(12:38:21 PM) Me: now I know why Satan told me to find you
(12:38:27 PM) Stevenson: Go ahead, slip 'em on. See how they feel.
(12:39:46 PM) Me: ooooh
(12:39:47 PM) Me: warm
(12:40:28 PM) Stevenson: my vaginas aren't too tight for you, are they?
(12:41:29 PM) Me: actually they are quite comfortable
(12:41:32 PM) Me: SHIT
(12:41:39 PM) Me: you've done this before, haven't you?
(12:41:53 PM) Me: I'm not your first foot in the vagina :/
(12:42:11 PM) Stevenson: Yes you are. I shoved some shampoo bottles up there to stretch them out.
(12:42:24 PM) Stevenson: They've been waiting my while life for your feet.
(12:43:33 PM) Me: hahahhaa
(12:43:43 PM) Me: even better is the gross misspellings and grammar in that sentence
(12:43:50 PM) Me: I feel the true emotion behind those words
(12:45:03 PM) Stevenson: gog damnit
(12:45:13 PM) Stevenson: WHOLE
(12:46:56 PM) Me: GOG DAMMIT
(12:47:22 PM) Stevenson: Don't make me take away your vagina shoes.
(12:48:03 PM) Me: noooo
(12:48:09 PM) Me: not my vagina shoes!

jizz makes the best baby seasoning

(12:33:30 AM) Stevenson: So, I kidnapped this woman's baby today.
(12:33:33 AM) Stevenson: Stroller and everything.
(12:33:48 AM) Stevenson: I sold the stroller for 50 bucks to a homeless lady downtown.
(12:34:03 AM) Stevenson: But I can't decide if I should eat the baby or just kill it and rape it.
(12:34:08 AM) Me: haha
(12:34:10 AM) Me: you can do both
(12:34:17 AM) Me: I find that jizz makes a great baby seasoning
(12:34:23 AM) Stevenson: Well, I have this thing where I don't like to eat things I've raped.
(12:34:30 AM) Me: well next time I'll stay longer I guess
(12:34:33 AM) Me: I'm sorry :/
(12:34:36 AM) Stevenson: shooooooosh!
(12:34:40 AM) Me: psh, give it to me
(12:34:44 AM) Me: I love eating things you've raped
(12:34:51 AM) Stevenson: hahaha
(12:35:04 AM) Stevenson: Then you love eating your mom!
(12:35:26 AM) Stevenson: And I don't mean with some fava beans and a nice chianti...
(12:35:32 AM) Stevenson: BURN!

Look out, Wolverine!

this conversation is the sequel to one where I told Ryan that I keep all the hookers I kill in my vagina. I wish I had saved that one, but I did not. Also there's a reference in there to this signed note I gave to Ryan saying that he can do anything he wants to with my corpse when I die, included but not limited to eating or nailing it.


(10:34:44 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: of course the bed probably gets more uncomfortable proportional to the amount of dead hookers I stuff in it
(10:34:50 AM) Me: haha
(10:34:53 AM) Me: problem solved
(10:34:55 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(10:34:58 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: but I LOVE sleeping on them
(10:34:58 AM) Me: just put them in your vagina the way I do
(10:35:09 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: I can discreetly hump them through the matress
(10:35:13 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: while I'm sleeping
(10:35:16 AM) Me: it's awesome to sleep with them in you
(10:35:28 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: hmm now I just need to get a vagina somewhere
(10:35:29 AM) Me: especially the ones that are still alive
(10:35:33 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: and start shoving dead hookers into it
(10:35:37 AM) Me: yeah that's right
(10:35:49 AM) Me: "THE HOOKERS ARE TRAPPED IN AMY'S VAGINA"
(10:35:54 AM) Me: "THEY'RE BURIED ALIVE"
(10:36:10 AM) Me: "BUT WHAT AN AWESOME PLACE TO GO FIRST"
(10:37:06 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha no joke
(10:37:16 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: if I'm going to be buried alive, I want it to happen in a vagina
(10:37:28 AM) Me: haha just become a hooker
(10:37:31 AM) Me: I'll come for you
(10:37:36 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(10:37:39 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: I hope you mean that in every way
(10:38:08 AM) Me: haha you need to write out a note that says I can do whatever I want with your corpse included but not limited to putting it up my vagina
(10:38:22 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(10:38:24 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: no no
(10:38:28 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: see that defeats the purpose
(10:38:35 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: I want you to put my LIVE body up your vagina
(10:38:37 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: and I'll die there
(10:38:43 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: and you can have a still birth of me later
(10:41:47 AM) Me: hahahah
(10:42:15 AM) Me: well, you should make the same note but for like if you have a terminal disease like cancer or something
(10:42:30 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: Does your vagina work like a cryogenics chamber?
(10:42:55 AM) Me: haha fifty years from now Ryan crawls out of my tang, "did you cure monkey cancer yet?"
(10:43:46 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: hahah
(10:44:02 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: but you'll be all greedy and even if they have you'll be like.. "No get back in there!"
(10:44:17 AM) Me: haha I'd be so old by then
(10:44:24 AM) Me: "I don't want to be in an old lady's vagina"
(10:44:35 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha yeah I'll be all creeped out being in some old ladies vagina
(10:44:43 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: "Get your silver cotton candy outa my face lady!"
(10:44:53 AM) Me: how did I know that was coming
(10:45:17 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: maybe you have a sixth sense for detecting old lady pube jokes?
(10:45:27 AM) Me: wow
(10:45:28 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: or should I say.. a sick sense
(10:45:30 AM) Me: if X men ever happens
(10:45:35 AM) Me: it's good to know I have a power too
(10:45:41 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(10:45:49 AM) Me: a useless, creepy power
(10:45:58 AM) Me: that normal people will want to kill me for
(10:45:58 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: "Watch out wolverine! an old lady is coming this way.. and she's exposing herself!"
(10:46:03 AM) Me: HAHA
(10:46:07 AM) Me: see I could be helpful
(10:46:13 AM) Me: that could majorly fuck up wolverine's game
(10:46:15 AM) Me: if he had to see that
(10:46:17 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha yeah
(10:46:29 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: he'd be in even *more* therapy
(10:48:16 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: man the internet is all kindsa boring today
(10:48:50 AM) Me: fuck you
(10:48:52 AM) Me: I'm awesome
(10:49:12 AM) Me: "I just had a discussion abut wolverine seing an old lady's vagina"
(10:49:17 AM) Me: "oh man the internet is boooooorring"
(10:49:27 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: hahah
(10:49:28 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: no no
(10:49:32 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: you're not part of the internets
(10:49:36 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: you are indeed awesome

I fucked your girlfriend

(8:58:11 PM) Me: dude if I ever did Brooke
(8:58:22 PM) Me: I would totally call you up right after and be like, "I fucked your girlfriend."
(8:58:25 PM) Me: just to let you know
(8:58:44 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha thanks
(8:58:48 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: I would hope you'd video tape it
(9:01:02 PM) Me: haha no promises
(9:01:27 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: it's okay
(9:01:31 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: if you didn't, brooke would :X
(9:02:21 PM) Me: haha
(9:02:26 PM) Me: well she might actually have a camera
(9:02:29 PM) Me: which Ii'm sure helps
(9:02:41 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha yes
(9:04:34 PM) Me: I'd have to draw a lot of crappy pictures in paint and make a flip book
(9:04:44 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha it would be awesome though
(9:04:44 PM) Me: that's a lot more work than camera on
(9:05:13 PM) Me: hahaha I should just IM her "Hey brooke, mind if I draw a lot of shitty pictures in paint of me giving it to you with a strap on? "
(9:05:40 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha you should :X
(9:08:34 PM) Me: psh, a true artist does not ask for permission
(9:09:02 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: is that artist or rapist?
(9:09:59 PM) Me: haha neither
(9:10:03 PM) Me: that's why I like art so much
(9:10:08 PM) Me: it's so similar to my other true love
(9:10:53 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha nice
(9:11:41 PM) Me: I think of myself as a rartist
(9:12:17 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: "rape is my art"
(9:14:10 PM) Me: hhaa, how did you know what my art is about?
(9:14:35 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: it's all abstract and weird
(9:14:38 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: but I know rape when Isee it
(9:16:20 PM) Me: hahaha
(9:16:37 PM) Me: "I know rape when I'm bent over the urinal with my ass in the air!"
(9:16:58 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha nice
(9:17:24 PM) Me: that's what the butterfly one was about
(9:18:00 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha how can you be bent over a urinal? :X
(9:19:35 PM) Me: I don't know
(9:19:38 PM) Me: you figure it out
(9:19:42 PM) Me: and get back to me
(9:19:48 PM) Me: cause I really want to do someone that way sometime
(9:19:52 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(9:19:57 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: I bet I could work it out
(9:20:08 PM) Me: hahah
(9:20:14 PM) Me: Ryan's like, "I like a challenge"
(9:20:59 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: well you could totally be bent over in front of a urinal
(9:21:05 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: but I dunno that oyu'd want to put your hands on that thing
(9:21:32 PM) Me: hey, I'm already raping someone. I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty.
(9:25:38 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: what about everything else dirty?
(9:26:13 PM) Me: look it's not a good time if I'm not covered in urine
(9:26:14 PM) Me: you know this

dead baby jesus jokes

Phoemeister: oh and some random other dude told me that jesus loves me
bishopposey: Well, he does.
Phoemeister: haha thanks
Phoemeister: I'm glad you could confirm that for me
bishopposey: Well, I was hanging out with him all day...
Phoemeister: haha wow
Phoemeister: what's jesus like when he's chillin?
bishopposey: Oh, he likes to crack jokes about dead babies too.
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: wow, I am now more fond of christianity
Phoemeister: for the dead baby joke clause
bishopposey: Well, you were made in His image.
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: nice
Phoemeister: what was jesus's best dead baby joke?
bishopposey: Ummm... let me think.
bishopposey: how did the dead baby cross the road?
bishopposey: Come on, guess!
Phoemeister: uh
Phoemeister: I don't know
Phoemeister: I give up!
bishopposey: In a black plastic garbage bag!
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: that actuall ydid make me laugh
Phoemeister: good going, jesus (or you)
Phoemeister: yes
bishopposey: haha
Phoemeister: I know you're secret
Phoemeister: JESUS
Phoemeister: don't lie
Phoemeister: I caught you walking on water the other day
bishopposey: I am Jesus.
Phoemeister: you're such a show off
bishopposey: I know, I know.
bishopposey: I'm in it for the glory.
bishopposey: I'm vainglorious.
bishopposey: Here's another one.
bishopposey: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
bishopposey: To save someone's life with it's precious stem cells!
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: that one was good
Phoemeister: you should write a book of these
bishopposey: I did, it's called the Bible. Hello? Try and keep up.
bishopposey: Well, at least part 3 of the Bible. The Testament Concerning Dead Baby Jokes.
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: ah
Phoemeister: I'm sorry, my lord and savior
Phoemeister: I will try to remember this stuff in the future
bishopposey: See that you do. Because if you mess with the bull, you get the horns.
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: that wasn't that funny
Phoemeister: but I see you trying to say it all attitudinally

poo finger

Phoemeister: I'm not really a huge donut fan
Suibrom: well I'm not a huge Amy fan!
Suibrom: Okay, that's a lie, I am
Phoemeister: haha thanks
Phoemeister: I hope you have an Amy-themed foam finger
Suibrom: I do
Suibrom: Amy's Number 2!
Suibrom: it's also stained brown
Phoemeister: hahaahah
Phoemeister: you douche
Suibrom: and that 's is more of a posessive than a contraction
Phoemeister: yeah, I laughed really hard, but the joke's over
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: The poo joke is very over when it's about you

double aunt

Phoemeister: I'm a double aunt today!
Dr4g0nR3b0rn: double aunt? that like some freaky sex thing?

I think I'm going to be talking to Mike less from now on.

Verbal S & M

Phoemeister: I mean I'm not saying I would rock out to this every day
Phoemeister: but the happiness makes me happy
Phoemeister: which I can use sometimes
Suibrom: yay happy!
Suibrom: I know hwo much you need apenis
Suibrom: I mean.. happiness
Phoemeister: haha both
Phoemeister: this is as close as I'm going to get to penis, I'm sure
Suibrom: man I hope not
Phoemeister: I'm going to be the 40 year old virgin. And then... continue being a virgin
Phoemeister: and then die
Suibrom: aww no
Suibrom: you will totally get some wang
Phoemeister: haha thanks for the pep talk
Suibrom: well there's no hurt in trying!
Phoemeister: mmm... I dunno
Phoemeister: obviously I am trying
Phoemeister: but it is less depressing when I am not trying
Suibrom: haha true
Suibrom: I don't see a wang inside you though
Suibrom: so you're not trying hard enough
Phoemeister: hahah so creepy
Suibrom: haha I know
Suibrom: I was like "wow did I just say that?"
Phoemeister: I think it would be hilarious if you called me in the middle of my first time
Phoemeister: "congrats you finally have wang in you!"
Suibrom: "What's up amy? are you doing it?! AWESOME!"
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: if someone has to ruin my first time, and it's not the guy I'm actually doing
Phoemeister: I want it to be you, Ryan
Suibrom: haha thanks
Phoemeister: you're welcome
Suibrom: I hope I can be the one to interrupt your first time
Suibrom: though hopefully not in person
Suibrom: but that would be hilarious
Suibrom: just walk in.. all nonchalant
Phoemeister: haha yeah
Suibrom: eating an apple or something
Phoemeister: haha what?
Suibrom: "what's up amy? how are things going on in here?"
Phoemeister: HAHAH
Phoemeister: I more imagine you coming in
Phoemeister: "CLEAN YOURSELF, FILTHY WHORE"
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: "JESUS NO LONGER WANTS YOU"
Suibrom: throw a towel on you
Phoemeister: haha yeah
Suibrom: SINNER
Phoemeister: I still love that the very last thing you said to me
Phoemeister: the last time I saw you
Phoemeister: was you gave me three dollars and said, "here's three dollars. Clean yourself up."
Suibrom: hahaha
Suibrom: I know that was great
Phoemeister: I think the fact that you are my best friend
Phoemeister: probably means that I have incredibly low self esteem
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: no way, you kick me in the ribs all the time to get me back for it
Phoemeister: haha so I just am into verbal S & M and we take turns?
Suibrom: haha yeah basically
Suibrom: with NO safety word!
Suibrom: we're crazyl ike that
Phoemeister: OH MY GOD
Phoemeister: what if we choke
Suibrom: Then we'll go down in PLEASURE
Phoemeister: hahaha

zombie wang

Me: Viking movie? Two thumbs dooooooooooooown
Me: actually it's not that horrible
Me: but I wouldn't pay for it
Ryan: yeah that's kind of how it looked
Me: haha the main guy is the angry mullet guy from Chronicles of Riddick
Ryan: haha nice
Ryan: I thought he looked familiar
Me: and he seems less angry, although you'd think he'd be more angry as vikings killed his whole village
Me: but it's definitely him
Me: he was strangely girly in this despite all the killing he did
Me: (link) doesn't that look kind of gay?
Ryan: haha just a little
Ryan: too much makeup
Me: I was like, "I believe you as an angry assasin, an angry mullet guy, but you seem kind of like a sad angry viking/native american adoptee"
Me: I kept expecting him to just scream, "leave me alone!" and go home and listen to dashboard confessional
Ryan: haha
Ryan: go cry some more!
Me: oh also he was shirtless about half the time
Ryan: well of course
Me: which, he really does not have the body for that
Ryan: they should have gottne one of the guys from 300 to do it
Me: haha, yeah, that was like, distractingly defined abs
Me: whereas this was distractingly flabby abs
Me: I demand a happy medium!
Ryan: haha
Me: I guess my favorite is when they wear shirts and I don't have to care
Ryan: they should just not wear pants
Ryan: solves the whole problem
Me: I'd be like, "finally, something for Phoexx0r!"
Ryan: haha exactly
Me: it could be the women's version of sin city
Ryan: haha nice
Ryan: Wang City
Me: there was a lot of ass in that movie
Me: like, a lot
Me: like so much that by the end it wasn't even distracting anymore
Me: I want to pay that spirit forward to penis


Me: unexpected wang is just not cool
Ryan: what if you knew about it
Ryan: like.. the movie was called "wang city"
Me: LOL
Ryan: and you went into it knowing there'd just be wang everywhere
Me: then I'd wear sunglasses and a headscarf on the way in
Ryan: haha
Ryan: and no pants


Me: I don't want that sort of wang experience
Me: I want a loving wang experience!
Ryan: haha
Ryan: The Wang Experience
Me: if possible directed by Robert Rodriguez
Ryan: haha
Ryan: what, with zombies?
Me: what about zombies?


Me: I love how your'e all, "it's really good" and I'm like no
Ryan: haha
Me: and then you're all, "it's got zombie wang," and I'm like, "sign me up!"
Ryan: haha
Me: I have my priorities straight
Ryan: zombie wang is high up there
Me: 1) Zombie Wang 2) Myself 3) My Country
Ryan: haha
Ryan: The Country of Phoe
Ryan: Population: 1
Ryan: Our biggest export is Poo

sleep

Ryan: brain.. shutting.. down
Ryan: need.. sleep
Me: haha
Me: I wish I could sleeep
Ryan: why can't you?
Me: insooomnia
Ryan: in-lame-nia
Me: your mom's lame
Ryan: don't make fun of her inability to walk!
Ryan: its' very hard for us
Me: I like to call her gimpster mcbadwalking
Ryan: haha
Ryan: makes it easier for you to manhandle her into the doggy-style position
Ryan: you sicko
Me: it's not sick it's awesome
Ryan: haha
Me: I wish I'd discovered manipulating cripples to my will a long time ago

couch date rape

Ryan: Hm I wonder what I should get you for christmas
Ryan: a picture of me dressed as Dr. Rockso
Me: HAHA YES
Me: Oh I also need a picture of you doing your OH face at one point, because I am planning to do the "people who've humped my couch" gallery soon
Ryan: haha nice
Me: I plan on looking passed out, with cushions heaped on me, like the couch caught me unawares and humped me
Ryan: haha I agree with this
Ryan: It's too bad I don't have one in reverse
Me: eh?
Ryan: like.. somehow make the couch seem unaware
Ryan: and me humping it from behind
Me: oh my god
Me: that would be hilarious
Me: I could try and take some plain pictures of my couch if you think you could photoshop yourself date raping it
Ryan: haha
Ryan: with my hand on it all consoling.. and my finger up to my mouth all.. "Shhh"
Ryan: I wish we could make your couch look like it's crying
Me: awww, you seem so experienced at this
Me: I could sort of tape blue tear drops to it somewhere
Ryan: haha
Ryan: make the cushions all up like eyebrows
Me: haha aww
Me: if it looks too human It'll be sad
Ryan: I can picture in my head making the cushions looking like a bent over person
Me: haha.... I'll see what I can do
Me: but I mean the couch is already at crotch height for humping pleasure
Ryan: True

Me: so now your plans for my couch are up on my blog
Ryan: Crap
Me: crap?
Ryan: that would totally ruin my plans
Me: I don't think my couch can read
Ryan: Are you sure though?
Me: yes
Me: one day I gave it poison and not poison
Me: and it picked the poisoned one
Me: and then I had to take it to the hospital
Me: but it was clearly labeled poison
Ryan: haha
Ryan: maybe it's just suicidal from all the unwanted humping

nachoes in the ass

Phoemeister: this is exactly the type of humor I'm going to have to supress at work, so I have to get it all out now :P
Sui: are you kidding? Bookstore patrons love a good "nachos in the ass" joke
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: Hell, that's going to be the name of our new product line
Phoemeister: "Hello sir, would you like regular Atlas Shrugged or the exclusive "Nachos in the Ass" edition?"
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: I'm going to pitch that idea to my manager
Sui: you should totally do it
Phoemeister: Oh
Phoemeister: I will
Phoemeister: I think you should pitch nachos in the ass to the school people
Sui: haha especially to the kids
Sui: Those kids eat anything

hitler paintings

Sui: that and eddie izzard's theory
Phoemeister: What's his theory?
Sui: hitler was a painter.. and probably not a very good one.. so he just got really angry and was trying to paint . "Oh, damnit I cannot get zee trees right.. I WILL KILL EVERYONE!"
Phoemeister: I've heard he was a painter
Phoemeister: but I wonder if he really did suck
Phoemeister: and what he painted
Phoemeister: can you really see hitler painting some calm landscape?
Sui: haha
Sui: you know he totally was all bob ross-ish before he went crazy jew-slaughtering mad
Phoemeister: ROFLMAO
Phoemeister: that's the best line ever, aside from earlier, when you told me you wanted to eat your own retarded baby
Sui: haha
Sui: i'm just full of the "BLO" today
Sui: (best lines ever)
Sui: er ble
Sui: unfortunately my lack of wiener has ruined my typing

haha I just came on you

Sui: Makes me wonder if you could just consciously do it
Sui: like.. tap into some crazy subconscious thing.. through meditation or something and make yourself have an orgasm
Phoemeister: lol.... I can see that you totally just want to spend the rest of your life learning how to do that now
Sui: Wouldn't you?!
Phoemeister: I dunno. How long would it take and how good would the mental masturbation be?
Sui: pretty damn good if you can just think "man I want to have an orgasm now" and then you do
Phoemeister: well what if you had to spend ten hours working up to one each time
Phoemeister: and then it only lasted like 5 seconds
Sui: hmm it would have ot be pretty good
Sui: unless it was to just like.. impress people
Sui: "want to see me jerk myself off with my mind?"
Sui: "no way you can do that"
Sui: "oh yeah? watch this!"
Phoemeister: you could probably fake it without them knowing
Sui: A guy couldn't though
Sui: I'd have to bet it' spretty hard to fake an ejaculation
Phoemeister: you could work up an elaborate system involving tubing
Sui: that's way too much work
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: anyway, people wouldn't be that impressed
Phoemeister: they'd either want you to teach them, which you couldn't
Phoemeister: or be like, "gross."
Sui: haha yeah
Sui: there's not much grey area there
Sui: either "wow that's amazing" or "ew what the hell you just came all over the place"
Phoemeister: maybe you could be like a magician
Phoemeister: everyone knows it's not real magic
Phoemeister: but they're still impressed
Phoemeister: "how did he do that?"
Suibrom: yeah.. imagine their surprise when I pull that out of my hat
Phoemeister: "it's my penis!"
Sui: tada!
Phoemeister: "what's shooting out of that man's rabbit, mommy?"
Suibrom: it would have to be like a ghallager show
Sui: where the first row has those big plastic sheets to cover themselves
Phoemeister: dude
Phoemeister: that would be way funnier than gallagher
Sui: especially if the show was called "Haha I just came on you"
Phoemeister: especially if the guests thought they were going to be seeing Oprah
Sui: it's the semen premier!
Phoemeister: that was a horrible pun :P
Sui: and you loved it
Phoemeister: ...I did
Phoemeister: oh, I totally mentioned gallagher to these teenage boys a couple weeks ago and none of them knew who he was
Sui: yeah he's pretty old school
Phoemeister: Like, the one kid was doing something stupid that made his friends laughed, and I told him he was the next gallagher (which my coworkers found funny because everyone knows gallagher sucks) and he did not get it.
Sui: gallagher is like carrot top with a big hammer
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: if possible he even sucked more than carrot top
Phoemeister: at least carrot top was trying to be funny
Sui: any amount of suckage worse than carrot top was redemed with destroying things with a big hammer
Phoemeister: I don't think anyone who smashes a watermelon is really going for "funny."
Sui: yeah it may not be funny
Sui: but it makes up for his lack of ability ot be funny with "wow he just smashed a freaking cow on a stool"
Phoemeister: did he ever do that to a cow?
Phoemeister: wouldn't peta be up his ass?
Sui: I don't think so
Sui: but that was the most outlandish thing i could think of that you could smash on a stage
Phoemeister: cows are pretty common
Phoemeister: what about a chinchilla?
Sui: any animal would have been pretty weird.. but once you start going down that slope.. you get too creative to be funny
Phoemeister: ah
Suibrom: like.. "OMG GALLAGHER SMASHED A DINOSAUR WHO WAS EATING A POPSICLE WHILE DRIVING A ROCKET SHIP"

hamburger helper children

Phoemeister: you must secretly be machosistic
Sui: haha that's quite possible
Sui: not secretly, just subconsciously
Sui: that's why I do stupid shit like start liking girls in Russia
Phoemeister: when you already have plenty of crazy right here in the US interupting you during your hamburgerhelperdilla
Sui: I thought that said "hamburgerpedophilia"
Phoemeister: LOL... that too
Phoemeister: no wonder she was so mad
Phoemeister: "I can't believe he's after Hamburger Helper's children again! Can't he leave them alone! Haven't they been through enough?
Sui: hahah
Sui: there father is a glove for christ's sake!
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: "They already got a restraining order! You'll go to jail this time!"
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: I just have this image in my head of little glove children sobbing
Phoemeister: "keep the bad man away from us"
Sui: haha
Sui: i'm gunna put it in every finger
Sui: hole
Phoemeister: oh my god
Phoemeister: I am ashamed to know yhou
Sui: I think you mis-typed "amazed"
Phoemeister: I think I'll put it up there with the time you were like, "I'd do my dead mom's corpse."
Sui: I ddn't say that!
Sui: I said it was sexy
Phoemeister: lol
Sui: and "dead mom's corpse" is redundant
Sui: My grammar is much better than that
Phoemeister: nuh uh
Phoemeister: you could do her ghost
Sui: yeah but if I'm doing her corpse, it's apparent she's dead : P
Phoemeister: These are all things you think about while doing your dead mom and every finger hole of the hamburger helper children
Sui: Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly bad.. I use the hamburger helper children as the condom for when I'm doing my mom's corpse
Sui: Yeah that was a bit much :

Ryans

Phoemeister: oh guess what
Suim: What?!
Phoemeister: last night I met a guy named Ryan, and we talked about rape for like four hours
Sui: haha
Sui: Umm.. good?
Phoemeister: so I guess what I'm trying to say is: thanks for visiting
Sui: Haha
Sui: Not a problem
Phoemeister: I actually gave in and went to help with Mulva's movie
Phoemeister: and he was the guy who shot the blood onto me
Phoemeister: true story
Sui: haha shot blood onto you?
Phoemeister: yeah, I die
Phoemeister: and he apparently has a thing that shoots blood onto people
Phoemeister: true story
Phoemeister: "he" in that sentence being what, the fifth Ryan I now know?
Sui: Haha
Phoemeister: so you know a guy with acess to a lot of fake blood is pretty cool
Sui: can't argue with that
Phoemeister: actually I talked to two guys about rape all night. But the other one's name was not Ryan, so I didn't think you'd find it as interesting :P
Sui: Well I think i'd be a little creeped out if I was spending the night talking to two guys about rape : |
Sui: Kind of like when I was in the shower in my dorm at U of A.. we had community showers
Phoemeister: well we weren't like, "isn't rape cool!"
Sui: and I hear one guy say to another guy in the stall next to him.. "Hey, do you know what sodomy is?"
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: that's AWESOME.
Phoemeister: like, Mulva was making me talk in the background of this one shot, and I was like, "what do I say?" and the one guy was like, "you should just say rape over and over"
Phoemeister: and I laughed so hard it messed up the scene
Phoemeister: and then,you know how when I like a joke, I beat it into the ground? Yep.
Sui: haha nice

Ryan is a pretty lady

Phoemeister: I think Optpri is about to equal you in the "talking about disturbing things" category
Sui: Whoa, that's scary
Sui: And being equalled by a girl none the less
Phoemeister: because the other day we were at a gas station and I was talking to her through the window, so we kind of had to shout and we were talking about something mildly off color
Phoemeister: and I was like, "gee, I love how we're having this conversation at the top of our lungs in public"
Phoemeister: "please make it worse"
Sui: haha
Sui: nice
Phoemeister: and she said something about how she couldn't make whatever it was worse, and I was like, "well, you could just add to the story. Yeah, and then Satan came in, and he raped me....."
Phoemeister: so then we got to talking about Satan's penis
Sui: haha
Sui: See, this isn't bad so far
Sui: It's all covered ground
Phoemeister: and she was of the opinion that it's probably barbed, like an arrow. And she was like, "yeah, when he pulls out he probably rips your cunt out."
Sui: haha
Sui: That's pretty bad
Phoemeister: and I made a horrified face, and she was like, "sorry for saying cunt," and I was like, "I have no problem with cunt, it's just that I really pictured that in my mind when you said that and was like, "ow"
Sui: hahah
Phoemeister: and she was like, "yeah, Satan's home hysterectomies was probably a bit much."
Sui: That's great that she talks about satan raping you with his barbed penis
Sui: and when she thinks you're offended she apologizes for saying the word 'cunt'
Phoemeister: that's what I thought was funny too
Sui: I'm glad you have someone to keep you talking about terrible terrible things even when you're not online to talk to me


Sui: the quote under the picture today
Sui: ...first person that comes out this fucking door gets a LEAD SALAD, you understand?
Phoemeister: I love how many of them actually kind of go with that picture
Sui: Haha yeah
Sui: I need a better damn camera so I can take a proper picture for you
Phoemeister: you DO
Sui: The quality is still quite shitty
Phoemeister: or we could start a whole series where you act out famous scenes from movies for me
Sui: Haha
Sui: Brilliant
Phoemeister: I'm thinking you tie Mike up and do that bit from Reservoir Dogs where you cut off his ear
Phoemeister: I've actually never seen Reservoir Dogs though
Phoemeister: I was just like, "what could he violently do to Mike?"
Sui: haha
Sui: You need to watch that movie too damnit!
Sui: You suck at being a film enthusiast
Sui: "I REERRY RUV MOVIES BUT I HAVNOT SEEN ANY GOOD ONES"
Phoemeister: I hate Quentin Tarantino though
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: hey, I've seen The Limey
Phoemeister: and I'm the only one that gets your Limey jokes
Sui: Haha okay, you've got me there
Phoemeister: Oh, I have to put Kompressor does not dance in there
Sui: haha
Sui: You definitely need more Kompressor in there
Phoemeister: so far I just added: KOMPRESSOR DOES NOT DANCE and DO YOURSELF A FAVOR
NEVER TALK TO STRANGER
Sui: haha brilliant
Phoemeister: maybe also "NO MORE FUNNY DOG COMIC"
Sui: hahah
Phoemeister: that's my favorite line of destroy mass media
Phoemeister: IF YOU SEE VAN
DO NOT GET IN
Phoemeister: YOU WILL BE DEAD
Phoemeister: OR AT LEAST VERY SAD
Sui: haha
Sui: I'm glad that all the Kompressor quotes will be in caps
Phoemeister: I hate to do this to you, but I'm also adding, "I'm a pretty lady! A pretty, pretty lady!"
Sui: haha damn you