so many Ryans

It makes me sad that I missed my window for hanging out with this guy.

ryanl: oh snap!
Me: snap indeed.
ryanl: it's ohn
Me: I will bury you!
ryanl: Ohn like donkey poon.
Me: I hope you don't mind a space next to a dead hooker
Me: haha donkey poon? what?
ryanl: have you ever seen donkey poon turn on? it's a sight to behold
ryanl: gods weep
Me: no I have not but that says a whole lot about you
ryanl: now THAT was a lol
ryanl: hmm. maybe I should quit while i'm behind
Me: just like how you get behind donkey poon?
ryanl: hah. damn, i'm just digging my self in here.
Me: just like when you're behind donkey poon?
ryanl: in three months someones going to come up to me and start an intervention
ryanl: to stop my donkey poon habits, which have become legendary in the heartland of america
Me: don't underestimate yourself
Me: I think it's all of America
ryanl: you gossiping hussy!
Me: but... but... I was proud of you
Me: "the guy I was a jerk to because I didn't think he was english, I'm so proud of him! He fucks donkeys now!"
ryanl: im sorry. i misunderestimated you
ryanl: lol
ryanl: god damn
ryanl: sweet jesus, i really hope that someone approaches me soon about my donkey fucking habits. I'll be scrambling to protect my name
Me: "it's just a hobby! I can quit any time!"
ryanl: no one quits the donkey poon. many have tried. all have failed
Me: wow
Me: why didn't they speak about the dangers of donkey poon in my high school health class?
ryanl: its one of the hidden pleasures. like finger nail chewing, and the stuffing of olives
Me: you do olives too?
Me: wow, your wang must be like, really adjustible
Me: to fit donkey poon and olives
ryanl: not like THAT. one track mind or what?
ryanl: sheesh
Me: haha I still have no idea what you're talking about
Me: re: olives
ryanl: with pimentos, silly
Me: I thought they came with the pimentos in them
ryanl: don't tell me you never stuffed an olive
Me: I don't really eat olives
ryanl: well yeah, but who do you think stuffs them? Very Happy People.
ryanl: that's who
Me: this makes me glad that I do not eat them
Me: I hate rewarding happiness
ryanl: that's sad
ryanl: which i guess is the whole point


Me: I don't know if they ever had souls though
Me: to begin with
ryanl: do they seem the husk types?
Me: husk types?
ryanl: you know... 'soulless husk of a man.' I use the term, like every morning when i look in the mirror. I thought it was common lingo.
Me: haha
Me: oh, usually I say "dead inside," when I'm crying myself to sleep at night
ryanl: lol
ryanl: that was lol #3, if i'm not mistaken.
ryanl: just in case you keep track
Me: sweeet. I kick ass at this whole making you laugh thing
Me: what is with the fro dude on your buddy icon?
ryanl: when i went to find a generic avatar, that one was in the "black pride" section. so obviously it had to be mine.
Me: hahaha
Me: niiiiice
Me: you is the most uppity honkey I know
ryanl: what does that even MEAN?
Me: it means you're a cracker-ass cracker!
ryanl): i like saltine, personally. though i won't say no to oyster
Me: I'm a goldfish gal, myself
ryanl: I'll admit i have a weakness for the fishes, too
ryanl: i used to work in the cracker aisle at walmart
Me: HAHHAHA
Me: you win at life
ryanl: thanks
ryanl: i try
Me: man, that would be so awesome
Me: "one more cracker in the cracker aisle!"
Me: "do you want saltines, oysters, or white men?"
Me: I didn't know that walmart was so specialized
Me: that they had someone specifically for crackers
ryanl: i was the guy, girl! I was the guy!
Me: haha

this is long but worth it

Phoemeister: anyway, I'm well aware that I do not have good hair. I
grow it out with the sole intention of spiting my mother.
Suibrom: ohaha
Phoemeister: And I just give in and cut a whole bunch off every so
often because I hate brushing it
Suibrom: that works
Phoemeister: seriously though, she hates it so much
Suibrom: what would she prefer? just shave your head?
Phoemeister: no, like a crazy ass shag with sideburns like she has
Phoemeister: and that I sported K-6
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: ew
Suibrom: perm!
Phoemeister: that's what I'm saying
Phoemeister: eh.... I didn't mean perm
Suibrom: sporting the white girl fro!
Phoemeister: though I did have a perm at one time
Suibrom: I'm glad I didn't know you then
Suibrom: because you'd hate me
Phoemeister: like.... Florence Henderson on the brady bunch has a shag
Suibrom: for making fun of you
Phoemeister: only neither my mom or I had the longish bit
Suibrom: haha gotcha
Phoemeister: well I think you would've at least come up with better
insultes than the stupid kids at my grade school
Phoemeister: "hee hee it looks like you stuck your finger in a light socket."

"not really."
Phoemeister: actually what I think we had was the pixie cut
Phoemeister: this would be my mom if she was fatter:
http://www.wigsalon.com/img/full/wildfire.jpg
Phoemeister: also she doesn't use hairspray, it pretty much lays flat
Suibrom: ew :\
Phoemeister: EXACTLY
Suibrom: that woman looks angry too
Phoemeister: so that's why I wear my hair as long as possible
Suibrom: and like she probably has a bad smoker's voice
Phoemeister: even though that doesn't look that good either
Phoemeister: I know
Suibrom: "PHOE CLEAN YOUR ROOM"
Phoemeister: when I saw that picture I was like, "if my mom wore a ton
of makeup and was slighly more masculine, and skinnier, that would be
her."
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I laugh because I hear you saying that in my head
Suibrom: haha yeah
Phoemeister: this is kind of how my mom has it, no spikes. And you
can see the weirdass sideburns more clearly in that picture:
http://www.hellomagazine.com/imagenes/actualidad/imgActualidad/2005/10/06/sadiepic.jpg
Suibrom: yeah I think only some chicks can pull that off
Phoemeister: my mom is not one of them
Suibrom: and definitely not.. women of larger stature
Phoemeister: neither could I as a child
Suibrom: I think short hair on fat chicks just makes them look.. fatter
Phoemeister: and that's considering kids are more pixish
Suibrom: in that picture you just sent, I can kinda see a little
nipple poking out there
Suibrom: so that one is okay
Phoemeister: haha, I hadn't thought about it. I've never seen my mom
with any haircut but that
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I dunno, apparently that picture was in hello magazine,
so I'm thinking she's a british celebrity of some sort
Phoemeister: yeah, there's definately nipple there
Suibrom: yeah
Phoemeister: I am so bored I actually went back to check after you said that
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: and/or I love nipple that much
Suibrom: I think you just love nipple
Phoemeister: I BEAT YOU TO IT
Suibrom: yeah actually I didn't say that until I'd seen what yo utyped
Suibrom: I was just agreeing with you
Phoemeister: oh
Phoemeister: so several photos I found for that cut were from a wig website
Phoemeister: so now I am looking at wigs
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: wow, there's this one on the front that is so fake
Suibrom: thinking of just shaving it all off and getting a wig?
Phoemeister: that would be nice, I hate my hair
Phoemeister: only I would hate wigs too
Phoemeister: I don't like hats
Phoemeister: a wig would suck even more
Suibrom: yeah but that would be freaky to be getting it on with some
chick, and her hair came off
Phoemeister: so I think that scary woman I showed you first was raquel welch
Phoemeister: well I think she would try and make sure it was securely
fastened before getting it on with you
Phoemeister: she resents that you would mention that to her!
Phoemeister: barely a year after the chemo!
Suibrom: haha just with me?
Phoemeister: other guys it's like, "whatever let the wigs fall as they may"
Suibrom: what if i like pulling hair when I get it on?
Phoemeister: but you're special
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: well then maybe you shouldn't get it on with someone wearing a wig
Suibrom: well then, I guess the girls I get it on with better never have cancer
Phoemeister: seriously, isn't this the fakest wig you've ever seen?
http://wigsalon.com/img/sbut/amandasbut.jpg
Phoemeister: haha, you're a jerk :P
Suibrom: haha yeah
Suibrom: that does look pretty fake
Phoemeister: the woman's face looks kind of fake too though
Phoemeister: so I guess it goes
Suibrom: maybe the whole head is fake
Phoemeister: it's also supposed to be a rachel do, I can tell
Phoemeister: yeah, the scary woman is definately raquel welch
Phoemeister: she's all over this site
Phoemeister: http://wigsalon.com/guys.html
Phoemeister: for you
Phoemeister: when you get chemo
Phoemeister: she's had so much plastic surgery that she looks like a
predatory animal now
Phoemeister: ooooh, if I buy now I can get a free wig pick
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: I want the "jackie" wig
Suibrom: on that page
Suibrom: or maybe the one at the top
Phoemeister: there's a jackie wig on the guy page?
Suibrom: http://wigsalon.com/wigx.htm?wig=1447
Phoemeister: HAHA
Phoemeister: it's a mullet
Phoemeister: did I tell you that a customer with a mullet came up to
me while I was wearing the mulletproof tee shirt and said "shame on
you"? :P
Suibrom: hahah
Phoemeister: geez, why so many mullet wigs?
Phoemeister: by the way the dude who is modeling the jackie totally
looks like mike
Suibrom: I might go for the "Ron" if the moustache comes with it
Suibrom: http://wigsalon.com/wigx.htm?wig=1445
Phoemeister: you should ask him what he's been up to in between
nailing his mom and rottweilers
Suibrom: hahah
Phoemeister: and the chin dimple
Suibrom: yeah of course
Suibrom: that comes standard
Suibrom: that guy totally looks like a news caster
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: don't you think Jackie looks like mike?
Phoemeister: or am I totally crazy
Phoemeister: I only ever saw mike once
Suibrom: hmm kind of
Suibrom: I think maybe my mind is too distracted by the mullet
Phoemeister: you're right though, a lot of the guy wigs look like they
should be telling me that I'm worthless and then giving me poor
directions to high school basketball games
Phoemeister: haha
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/justinet.gif worst
arrangement of hair for a hair picture ever
Phoemeister: it looks like the hair's trying to strangle her
Phoemeister: or take over the brain
Phoemeister: what little is left
Phoemeister: the vacant look says the hair has already won
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: "I... Like... hair..."
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/boycutt.gif
Phoemeister: if that's not the original picture I showed you
Suibrom: haha it's not
Phoemeister: I think it's hilarious there's two of her that angry
Suibrom: it's close though
Phoemeister: http://wigsalon.com/banners.gif

she looks happy but still strangely horrible in that one too
Suibrom: yeah still really bad
Suibrom: "uglyasswigsonangryladies.com"

Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: she looks so sad.... http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/paigeropt.gif
Phoemeister: POWER!!! http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/powert.gif
Suibrom: wouldn't you be if that thing was attacking your head?
Phoemeister: touche
Suibrom: TOO MUCH POWER

Phoemeister: hah
Phoemeister: I love how the one I just showed you, power, is facing
this one, so it looks like they're looking at each other:
http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/marcy-wigst.gif
Suibrom: hahah
Suibrom: brilliant
Suibrom: "Don't look at me marcy"
Phoemeister: I wonder if the guy who put this page together did that
on purpose because he hates his job
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: marcy is definately into Raquel
Phoemeister: and then right next to that is fancy free!
http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/fancyfreet.gif
Phoemeister: I love that face she's making
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: that is so lame
Phoemeister: I would not describe it as fancy free
Suibrom: more like "someone just got fancy free in my ass"
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I love this website
Phoemeister: http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/benefitaet.gif

I would call that one evil genius.
Suibrom: I'd agree, or at least evil henchman
Phoemeister: I'd get this one just to tell people I got the Scorpio
wig. http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/scorpiorevt.gif
Suibrom: it's scary though
Phoemeister: Raquel Welch is more scary than anything ever:
http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/mystiquet.gif
Phoemeister: Isabeele? What the hell kind of name is that?
http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/isaballerevt.gif
Phoemeister: most of these women have the names of cheap strippers
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: this one says, "my husband and children left me because I
focused too hard on my career"

http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/katiet.gif
Phoemeister: this is the least bad picture of her so far, but she
still is like, "I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL."

http://wigsalon.com/img/full/elan.jpg
Phoemeister: heh, I know you love perms so much.....
http://wigsalon.com/img/thumb/anniet.gif
Suibrom: ew : ()
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: proof
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: http://wigsalon.com/bannermt.gif
Phoemeister: scariness
Suibrom: yeah that is scary
Suibrom: it's like.. the same wig
Suibrom: only on a black chick
Suibrom: and now it's "motown"
Phoemeister: I know!
Phoemeister: it's still better than this one
http://www.wigsalon.com/img/thumb/onikamtt.gif
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: SHE'S A MAN, BABY!
http://www.wigsalon.com/img/thumb/julietmtt.gif
Suibrom: I think most of them have been men
Phoemeister: true
Phoemeister: aw, I'm so tempted to sign you up for the wig newsletter
Phoemeister: http://www.wigsalon.com/costumes2005.html
Suibrom: strange.. I'm so tempted to stab you in the clavicle
Phoemeister: that's a bone
Suibrom: that's right
Suibrom: so you know I'm gonna stab hard
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: I love how offensive this page is:
http://www.wigsalon.com/citywigs/ethnic.html
Suibrom: hahah
Phoemeister: especially the al sharpton dude on the white mannequin
Phoemeister: actually they're all on white mannequins
Phoemeister: and they're all ugly
Suibrom: I totally want the "samurai wig"
Suibrom: or.. "oriental guy"
Phoemeister: haha, it's so fake
Phoemeister: yeah, I like oriental guy
Phoemeister: wait, I WORK WITH THAT GUY EVERY DAY
Phoemeister: only he's white
Phoemeister: and obsessed with star wars
Phoemeister: I like how better geisha is not better at all
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: or "japanese beast"
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: I like how sad all the mannequins look
Suibrom: haha yeah
Suibrom: I would be too
Phoemeister: like.... "you can put this on us, but we will not smile."
Suibrom: why does the "african native" look strangely like michael jackson?
Phoemeister: the mannequin they use for alfalfa, freedom afro, dennis
rodman, and don king looks like it's going to cry
Phoemeister: haha
Suibrom: and the "Discount tarzan dreads" and "marley dreads" are
exactly the same picture
Phoemeister: ROFLMAO
Phoemeister: they are
Phoemeister: I like how will smith is a woman
Suibrom: haha yeah
Phoemeister: haha, the sad mannequin's in afro super deluxe too, and
it's all the more hilarious to see the sad face just barely peaking
out of all the rainbow colored hair
Suibrom: hahah
Suibrom: http://www.wigsalon.com/citywigs/fairytales.html
Phoemeister: the face looks kind of angry in the alfalfa one.
Like..... I did afro super deluxe..... but what the fuck?
Suibrom: I like how "bart simpson" looks abso-fucking-lutely nothing like it
Suibrom: same with "beavis"
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: I haven't loaded it yet
Suibrom: last I checked, beavis doesn't have bright fucking orange hair
Phoemeister: I love how to get around copyright problems they call the
grinch the schrinch
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: "teenage magician" wtf? What fairy tale is that?
Phoemeister: and how they get annie the musical confused with a fairy tale
Suibrom: I like how there are 3 tiers of annie wigs
Phoemeister: and Kruell is obviously supposed to be cruella DeVil
Phoemeister: lol.... yeah, like really how much selection do you need?
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: the penguin is just a really sad bald man
Suibrom: "hmm I really want to look like annie, but I don't really
have the money for the full deal.. let's go with the bargain one"
Phoemeister: I bet if I go to historical figures the exact same photo
is there for ben franklin
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: but I want the better bargain!
Phoemeister: YES
Phoemeister: japanese beast makes a reprise
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: LOL, I love the horribleness of the beavis, butthead, and bart
Suibrom: what kind of crazy purple haired pinnochio is that?
Phoemeister: I KNOW
Phoemeister: "gay pinocchio"
Phoemeister: "bargain gay pinnochio"
Phoemeister: "better bargain gay pinocchio"
Suibrom: hahah
Phoemeister: http://www.wigsalon.com/citywigs/beards.html
Suibrom: "NOW WITH MORE PINK FRIZZ"
Phoemeister: discount sideburns!
Phoemeister: lol
Suibrom: oh noooo
Phoemeister: viking mustache?
Suibrom: I like the "biblical"
Phoemeister: I will pay you money to grow a beard like the biblical
Suibrom: or maybe.. "Discount beard m-55"
Suibrom: should I grow my hair out like that too?
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I love how the pointed goatee is not pointed
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: the top kinda has some point things
Suibrom: it's all about the discount sideburns or the mutton chops though
Phoemeister: totally
Phoemeister: my mom grows her own sideburns
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: http://www.wigsalon.com/citywigs/historical.html
Suibrom: I always loved a woman with a handlebar moustache, sideburns,
and a smoker's cough
Phoemeister: I love how Willie Nelson is in with historical figures
Suibrom: hahaha
Suibrom: what the fuck
Phoemeister: LOL
Suibrom: since when did mark twain, and frederick douglass have purple hair?
Suibrom: and buffalo bill has a mullet
Phoemeister: you should get the buffalo bill set, and pretend it's the
other buffalo bill
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: maybe they're going to hook up with pinnochio later
Suibrom: and it's scary that the "alber einstein" eybrows are wigs of their own
Phoemeister: "venetian man" what?
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: he had big eyebrows but not like that
Suibrom: haha look at the "deluxe mark twain"
Suibrom: the eybrows like.. curl down to his cheeks
Phoemeister: it wouldn't load for me :/
Suibrom: if youclick on it it does
Phoemeister: thanks for teaching me the ways of wigsalon.com
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: he looks like a schnauzer
Phoemeister: again, the mannequin looks very sad in the frederick douglas photo
Phoemeister: http://www.wigsalon.com/citywigs/tvstars.html jackpot
Suibrom: I think it's funny that they have a "novelty wigs" section,
when all of these are pretty much novelty wigs
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: I love the confused look on the president bush mannequin
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: and how they call sharon osbourn "oz mom" so that they
won't get sued
Suibrom: yeah
Phoemeister: haha, annie's in there again
Phoemeister: she's a celebrity!
Suibrom: I like how the two princess "leah"s are almost exactly the
same, just one picture is taken further away
Suibrom: if they're not exactly the same
Suibrom: which my eyes may just be messing with me on them
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: I do enjoy the mispelling
Suibrom: yeah
Suibrom: that's a nice touch
Phoemeister: and how mo from the three stooges has purple hair again
Suibrom: haha yeah
Suibrom: he's totally punk rock
Suibrom: didn't you know
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: do you know what I like to imagine? Someone actually
seriously using this website to like, shop for wigs via the internet
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: god I hope so
Suibrom: I need more people to mock
Phoemeister: yeah
Suibrom: http://www.wigsalon.com/citywigs/specmen.html
Phoemeister: well you gotta figure they must sell some or they
would'nt have this whole elaborate setup
Phoemeister: http://www.wigsalon.com/citywigs/specmen.html

I love how the mohawk isn't even a mohawk
Phoemeister: haha, we both went to the same place
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: and the tupee looks like an alien
Suibrom: yeah the toupee is scary
Phoemeister: I love how there are a ton of women mannequins in the men
specialty wigs section
Suibrom: haha yeah
Phoemeister: and the long crew cut is like...... random sea urchin
hair in no way resembling a crew cut
Suibrom: they'r e part of the "long crew"
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: http://www.wigsalon.com/citywigs/20thcent.html


Phoemeister: I love how the gigantic behive is the marge simpson
pretty much from a different angle
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: why is the "1840" in the 20th century wigs?
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I like the breathlass madonna. "Her hair looks like she
can't breathe!"
Suibrom: the barbie beehive looks nothing like a beehive
Phoemeister: I know
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: pony tail and beehive are so easy to get confused
Suibrom: "bargain drag queen" ?
Suibrom: what the hell?
Phoemeister: I love how that's in the woman's section
Phoemeister: wouldn't it be a man?
Suibrom: haha yeah
Suibrom: and it's a woman manaquin
Phoemeister: yes!
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: the screwed up names in the halloween section is awesome
Phoemeister: I would love to get one of these for halloween and be
like, "Hey, what's the matter? You don't reccognize 1840 when you see
it?"
Suibrom: "wolfrene"
Suibrom: "X movie"
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I'm praying for japanese beast a third time
Suibrom: aww it's not in here
Phoemeister: pumpkin girl hat?
Phoemeister: wtf?
Phoemeister: awww
Suibrom: how does that "pirate wig" look like a pirate?
Phoemeister: I like how the cousin it is a stool
Phoemeister: I haven't loaded that yet
Phoemeister: haha, mad scientist is the same as fredrick douglas
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: it's not purple!
Suibrom: so he's am ad scientist
Phoemeister: he was an orator.......... AND HE PLAYED GOD
Phoemeister: oh
Phoemeister: it's against nature for your hair not to be purple!
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: "I have made an amazing scientific discovery! Non-purple
hair! muahahah"
Phoemeister: haha, the pirate wig is what I would call the joey
lawrence if it was lighter colored
Phoemeister: lol
Suibrom: why would you put the "rabbit wig" on the male head
Suibrom: especially the scary looking one
Phoemeister: I wonder why none of the batman stuff is misspelled
Phoemeister: LOL, i know
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: if that came to my party
Suibrom: it's totally like some child molester
Phoemeister: I'd be like, "no."
Suibrom: trying ot get into a kid's party
Phoemeister: ROFLMAO
Suibrom: hahah
Suibrom: hahahah
Suibrom: just look at it
Suibrom: I can't stop laughing
Suibrom: hahah
Phoemeister: "I'm a child molester only I really suck at it, I
couldn't evne get a real bunny costumne"
Phoemeister: I KNOW
Phoemeister: me too
Phoemeister: every time I stop I look at it again
Suibrom: I just picture that guy coming to your front door "I'm here
for your son's birthday party"
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I see him with nothing else on too
Suibrom: hahaha yeah
Suibrom: ah that is pure gold
Phoemeister: man
Phoemeister: maybe I should take down Ocean's 11 and put that up
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: it's kind of small though
Suibrom: I can't help but laugh every time I look at it
Phoemeister: I do love it though
Phoemeister: lol
Suibrom: yeah I tried to click on it to get a bigger one
Phoemeister: I think I'm kind of over it
Suibrom: but it takes me back tothe front page
Phoemeister: me too :/
Phoemeister: maybe I should put together a medly of my favorit wigs
Suibrom: is "WolfRene" one?
Phoemeister: haha
Suibrom: or maybe princess Leah
Phoemeister: it's alright
Phoemeister: yes, that one's awesome
Phoemeister: bart simpson
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: biblical beard
Suibrom: the rabbit one is just... awesome
Phoemeister: pumpkin girl
Phoemeister: I know
Suibrom: it's like he got this gay white fro wig, and glued some cheap
rabbit ears on it
Suibrom: "Surprise I'm a bunny!"
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: do you know what I love? The fact that you and I can
have like...... a 3 hour discussion on wigs
Phoemeister: and like a full hour of that is on a child molester bunny wig
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: yeah, i'm feeling much better now
Phoemeister: I'm glad
Suibrom: I don't hate people nearly as much when I can mock them incessantly
Phoemeister: lol
Suibrom: I like how the "bargain china doll" and the "china doll" look
like they're going to kiss
Suibrom: and the "Gina - china doll" looks all jealous
Phoemeister: haha, they really do
Phoemeister: she's sad!
Phoemeister: "I can't look"
Suibrom: yeah
Suibrom: she wants in on the othe china doll action
Suibrom: but they keep neglecting her
Phoemeister: but they don't want her
Phoemeister: "No pastels!"
Suibrom: and rabbit guy is jerking it looking through some little boy's window
Phoemeister: yeah
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: I just totally picture rolling over in bed
Suibrom: and just seeing that
Suibrom: through your window
Suibrom: just from like.. the shoulder up like that
Phoemeister: mad scientist looks like you just told him something he
didn't expect and he's like, "WHAT!?!?!?!"
Phoemeister: "....bunny guy did WHAT at a childrent's party!?"
Suibrom: hahah
Phoemeister: LOL.... it's like that burger king ad
Phoemeister: porcupine wig looks like, "Okay, can I just go back to
child molesting?"
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: I'm totally going to replace all those "wake up with the
king" burger king ads with that guy's face now
Phoemeister: pumpkin girl grows on me every time I see it
Suibrom: instead of that big scary king head
Suibrom: it's going ot be the naked guy with the rabbit wig
Phoemeister: yes
Phoemeister: which would still be pretty scary
Suibrom: haha yeah
Phoemeister: I love how crappy it is
Phoemeister: like the one ear looks like it's going to fall off
Suibrom: haha yeah
Suibrom: hahah
Suibrom: it's just soooo bad
Suibrom: so child molesterish
Suibrom: "I see you threw out your old easter costumes.. well I picked
them out and made my own"
Phoemeister: teenage musician is like, "Keep bunny guy away from me!"
Phoemeister: lol
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: blah I really should sleep
Suibrom: I'm going to go to bed and have terrible nightmares about rabbit guy
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: me too!
Phoemeister: ........or do you mean awesomeares/
Suibrom: man I'm going ot buy that wig
Suibrom: and bring it iwth me when I visist you
Suibrom: visit
Phoemeister: he'll try to molest you but you'll be laughing too hard
to fight him off
Suibrom: and wear it whe nI get off the plane
Phoemeister: lol.... wear it at the airport and convince rebecca that
I am a freak for letting you in my home
Phoemeister: haha, you beat me too it
Phoemeister: the thing is, though
Phoemeister: you wouldn't even have to buy it
Phoemeister: you could make that yourself
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: "take it off!"
"but I made it just for you...."
Suibrom: I'm not sure if that would be less funny or more
Suibrom: because I could totally come up with a terrible rabbit wig
Suibrom: even as bad as that
Phoemeister: hey, I spent an hour making that is less sad than I spent
fifty bucks on that
Suibrom: haha true
Suibrom: I wouldn't even spend an hour
Suibrom: though it might take me that long to find something that
passes as ugly curly white hair
Phoemeister: here's some $1 epoxy
Phoemeister: here's a wig
Phoemeister: here's some felt
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: haha
Suibrom: cotton balls!
Suibrom: i'm gonna use cotton balls
Phoemeister: lol, you're so sad
Suibrom: and some construction paper
Phoemeister: http://www.wigsalon.com/wigx.htm?wig=2263
Phoemeister: I wish it came in a different color
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: but then it wouldn't be pumpkin girl
Suibrom: haha " Popular style used as a base for a new costume idea "
Phoemeister: I know!
Phoemeister: what?
Suibrom: yeah I bet it's really popular
Phoemeister: popular?
Phoemeister: what new costume idea?
Suibrom: that's what it says in the description
Phoemeister: yeah, I did read that
Phoemeister: I just meant I was like, "popular?"
Suibrom: haha yeah
Phoemeister: "what new costume idea?" when I read it
Suibrom: popular with whom?
Phoemeister: child molesters
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: we can't all be bunny guys
Suibrom: that's a big demographic
Suibrom: wouldn't want to leave them out
Phoemeister: some of us have to make it in as pumpkin girls
Suibrom: yeah you go to a child molester convention and everyone has
the bunny wig
Suibrom: sometimes you just want to stand out
Phoemeister: that's what I'm saying!
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: okay I really should sleep
Phoemeister: OH MY GOD
Phoemeister: wait just a sec
Suibrom: I will talk to you tomorrow :-D

Suibrom: enjoy your sweet rabbit dreams
Suibrom: whaaaaat
Phoemeister: tell me this guy didn't just throw more crappy hair on
top of his bunny wig:
http://www.wigsalon.com/citywigs/img/thumb/partygentlemen_t.gif
Suibrom: hahahah
Suibrom: he's even got the ears still there
Phoemeister: haha, anyway, you can go to bed now, I just had to share
that with you
Suibrom: they're just covered with more crappy hair
Suibrom: hahaha
Phoemeister: I know!
Suibrom: "no no, really.. I'm a colonial noble!"
Suibrom: "i'm not a rabbit at all"
Phoemeister: LOL
\
Phoemeister: I started the convulsive laughter all over again
Suibrom: hahah yeah
Suibrom: man that's pure genius
Suibrom: I wonder if it comes off
Suibrom: and he's like "Fooled you, I really AM a rabbit!"
Phoemeister: lol
Suibrom: okay okay.. need sleep
Phoemeister: and then afterwards he takes the bunny off and is like,
"fooled you, I really AM a child molester"
Phoemeister: goodnight
Suibrom: hahah
Suibrom: good one :-D
Suibrom: night night, talk to you tomorrow
Phoemeister: indeed

lots of stuff

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zombie wang

Me: Viking movie? Two thumbs dooooooooooooown
Me: actually it's not that horrible
Me: but I wouldn't pay for it
Ryan: yeah that's kind of how it looked
Me: haha the main guy is the angry mullet guy from Chronicles of Riddick
Ryan: haha nice
Ryan: I thought he looked familiar
Me: and he seems less angry, although you'd think he'd be more angry as vikings killed his whole village
Me: but it's definitely him
Me: he was strangely girly in this despite all the killing he did
Me: (link) doesn't that look kind of gay?
Ryan: haha just a little
Ryan: too much makeup
Me: I was like, "I believe you as an angry assasin, an angry mullet guy, but you seem kind of like a sad angry viking/native american adoptee"
Me: I kept expecting him to just scream, "leave me alone!" and go home and listen to dashboard confessional
Ryan: haha
Ryan: go cry some more!
Me: oh also he was shirtless about half the time
Ryan: well of course
Me: which, he really does not have the body for that
Ryan: they should have gottne one of the guys from 300 to do it
Me: haha, yeah, that was like, distractingly defined abs
Me: whereas this was distractingly flabby abs
Me: I demand a happy medium!
Ryan: haha
Me: I guess my favorite is when they wear shirts and I don't have to care
Ryan: they should just not wear pants
Ryan: solves the whole problem
Me: I'd be like, "finally, something for Phoexx0r!"
Ryan: haha exactly
Me: it could be the women's version of sin city
Ryan: haha nice
Ryan: Wang City
Me: there was a lot of ass in that movie
Me: like, a lot
Me: like so much that by the end it wasn't even distracting anymore
Me: I want to pay that spirit forward to penis


Me: unexpected wang is just not cool
Ryan: what if you knew about it
Ryan: like.. the movie was called "wang city"
Me: LOL
Ryan: and you went into it knowing there'd just be wang everywhere
Me: then I'd wear sunglasses and a headscarf on the way in
Ryan: haha
Ryan: and no pants


Me: I don't want that sort of wang experience
Me: I want a loving wang experience!
Ryan: haha
Ryan: The Wang Experience
Me: if possible directed by Robert Rodriguez
Ryan: haha
Ryan: what, with zombies?
Me: what about zombies?


Me: I love how your'e all, "it's really good" and I'm like no
Ryan: haha
Me: and then you're all, "it's got zombie wang," and I'm like, "sign me up!"
Ryan: haha
Me: I have my priorities straight
Ryan: zombie wang is high up there
Me: 1) Zombie Wang 2) Myself 3) My Country
Ryan: haha
Ryan: The Country of Phoe
Ryan: Population: 1
Ryan: Our biggest export is Poo

yaay

Me: yeah she and AC (antichrist) had to go to st louis today
YM: I bet that was a fun, urm, trip.
Me: oh my god
Me: I would strangle AC before we even got out of town
YM: I would murder her by shitting in her mouth until she suffocated.
Me: I WOULD MARRY YOU
YM: I WOULD SACRIFICE OUR FIRST BORN RETARD AS A THANK YOU TO SATAN FOR TAKING AC
Me: LOL
Me: I WOULD APPROVE

anger ham

BDN: well, I'm trying to cut up a ham in the kitchen so I have to hear you talk cause I can't see it with my glasses on
Me: I wish you had a webcam
Me: I really would liek to see the BDN cutting ham cam
BDN: well, I am using a knife so it's not very exciting... efficient - yes, skilled - yes, intricate and controlled - yes, exciting- not so much
Me: aww
Me: I guess I would have to wait till you're angry
Me: ham EVERYWHERE
Me: mixed in with hooker entrails
Me: EVERYWHERE
BDN: everywhere but neatly cubed
Me: haha
Me: you're right, your anger IS magic
Me: your anger makes perfectly cubed ham and hooker entrails
BDN: exactly
Me: haha I see this in my head and it is HILARIOUS

jazz douche

YM: eh, blah
YM: same ol' same ol'
Me: sorry :/
YM: lol it's ok
Me: do you want me to come over there and dance for you?
Me: I got jazz hands
YM: Haha, your dancing would be in vain. It wouldn't make Herd stop being a douchebag.
Me: haha I could go to his house and tell him he's a douchebag as I flash my jazzy hands in his face
YM: Nice. Could you?
Me: haha fuck yeah I don't care
YM: That'd be hilarious.
Me: haha it would be
Me: you should come along and get it on tape

Ryan's hobbies

Me: man I love how the first time I found out you had guns and was all, "that's kind of scary"
Me: and you were like, "no it isn't! it's a perfectly legitimate hobby!"
Ryan: haha it is!
Me: and now you're all, "yes I really am crazy! I could do a lot of evil!"
Ryan: Its perfectly legitimate, and I will FREAKIN' SHOOT A MAN
Me: hahaha

pee funnel

Me: aw, I'm listening to Counting Crows now. Look at what you've done to me, life!
Ryan: uh ohs :\
Me: it's funny that I have all this emo but when I'm sad I really usually go with something else
Me: I guess my sad bastardness isn't too bad. I was going through picking sad music and then I was like, "oh but this looks really good" and started picking songs that rock
Ryan: haha
Ryan: sometimes.. even when you're sad
Ryan: you need to rock
Me: except I think my definition of rock and yours slightly differ :/
Me: Because I was like, "Live??? I haven't listened to that in ages! That ROCKS!" :P
Ryan: haha
Ryan: gaaaaaay
Me: well I'm a girl
Me: that's my excuse
Me: for like everything
Ryan: haha
Me: it's also why I can't drive or do math
Ryan: "I can't throw a baseball!"
Ryan: "I hate bugs!"
Me: "I can't own property"
Ryan: "I can't vote!"
Me: "I can't pee standing up very well"
Ryan: haha
Ryan: "very well"
Me: doesn't mean I don't strive to get better at it
Me: I practice all the time
Ryan: haha
Ryan: i'd be disturbed, and intrigued to see that
Ryan: they make these weird funnel things for women to pee standing up
Me: haha for reals?
Ryan: I've seen them
Ryan: I've seen everything
Me: HAHAHA
Me: I love Patrick Stewart
Ryan: I dunno why.. but this site doesn't have any pictures of what their thing actually looks like
Ryan: http://www.mysweetpee.com/index.asp
Me: haha that's my Ryan
Me: looking up pee funnels on the interweb at work
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: it's better than like.. "How To Get Away With Pedophilia in the Workplace"
Ryan: or something
Me: HAHA true

word wizard

Me: you are not the sharpest knife in the drawer, Ryan
Me: but we still love you
Ryan: I'm sharp
Ryan: I'm just adventurous
Ryan: and sometimes when you're sharp and adventurous.. you trip and cut yourself
Me: LOL
Me: nice metaphor
Ryan: haha thanks
Ryan: I like to consider myself a wordsmith
Ryan: even better.. a WORD WIZARD
Me: "and when you cut yourself, it cuts like a knife but feels so right"
Ryan: haha
Ryan: the only problem with being a word wizard is when you run out of mana
Me: haha you're such a dork
Me: IBPW

racist pancakes

Rob: so, Lister called me lil' rob over the intercom after closing the other night......I thank you and Thug.
Me: hahah I'm not the one who came up with it
Me: it was Nebrasky and Thug
Rob: but you and Thug have kept it in the mainstream hah
Me: haha true :P If it bothers you I'll stop but you didn't seem to care
Rob: haha no, thats all right......If i look like an untalented celebrity....I look like an untalented celebrity.
Me: that's the hilarious thing though
Me: you look nothing like rob thomas!
Rob: if we're going to call me by the name of a person i don't resemble......it should be something more fun..
Rob: like Genghis Khan
Me: DUDE. That's a band too
Me: an awesome german abba-esque band that dresses up in costumes and dances
Me: http://youtube.com/watch?v=cD3lPGcvtpE
Me: you will pee your pants, it's just that awesome
Rob: Well, I just took a shower........so i peed on myself, then.
Me: well get ready to do it again
Rob: (searching for the hidden David Hasslehoff)
Rob: i know he's in there somewhere
Me: I think he's the bald guy
Rob: with a foot of space between his front teeth
Me: haha it's a clever disguise
Rob: these are exactly the kind people I would expect to commit genecide.
Me: you just totally burned germany
Rob: yeah.....but theres an ocean between us......I'd be too scared to say anything if there werent.
Me: I have nazi pancake mix
Rob: haha
Rob: i bet its not nearly as good as krusteaz (crusty-ass) pancake mix
Rob: it makes me laugh every time i see it.
Me: LOL
Me: that's actually what it is
Rob: haha
Me: it just happens to formerly been owned by a nazi
Rob: I can see that
Me: Opt's roommate's ex boyfriend was a neo nazi, and he bought it
Rob: I remember tasting the prejudice in it last time.
Rob: oh, good.
Me: and through a series of unfortunate events I got custody of it
Rob: ooo a series of unfortunate events........I like that movie.
Me: haha yeah it was pretty good
Me: I was too lazy to read the books
Rob: me too......but Jim Carrey isn't in the books.....so I can justify things.
Me: you are reading the book and halfway through it you throw it down angrily, "THERE'S NO JIM CARREY IN THIS!!!"
Rob: I do that with most things, regardless what they are or if they could even feasibly HAVE a Jim Carrey in them.
Me: "this racist pancake mix has no jim carrey!!!"

kill them all

Me: what's up?
Ryan: Not much, frustrated with more BS at work again today
Me: the devil agrees you should kill them all
Ryan: haha
Ryan: The devil has intriguing ideas, and I would like to subscribe to his newsletter

nazis

Elaine: god, throw a nazi in anything and it makes it funny
Me: I know
Me: Nazis are awesome
Me: and by awesome I mean horrible
Elaine: and by horrible you mean hillarious

scary young

Ryan: man.. cnn is going downhill
Ryan: the first line in this article about kids that are kidnapped, brainwashed, and forced to fight in wars, is
Ryan: "These killers are young, scary young"
Me: HHAH
Me: niiice
Ryan: haha
Ryan: the next line is "Some are shorter than the guns they use to snuff out grown up soldiers and their playmate's parents."
Ryan: "snuff out?" "scary young?"
Ryan: come on.. is it "let your high school journalism students write for you" day at CNN?
Ryan: haha man the rest is just as bad
Ryan: "So when militias around the world need assassins they kidnap children, brainwash them, drug them up and order them to kill. The children obey... and some start to like it."
Ryan: who the hell in professional writing uses "..." for dramatic pause?
Me: haha
Ryan: "The children obey... and some start to like it.. duhn duhn DUHN"

childrenswear

(this is in reference to a cafe press store Ryan has that includes, among other merchandise, a baby sleeper that says "fuckshitass")

Me: so I was thinking of another great product you should put in your cafe press store
Ryan: haha what?
Me: now you might get sued because I actually have seen this in grown up tee shirts
Me: but I think it would make great baby apparel
Me: "bitch, don't make me turn this rape into a murder"
Ryan: hahah :X
Ryan: A baby wearing that would be awesome
Me: that's what I'm saying!
Me: not that funny and actually kind of creepy on an adult male
Me: hilarious and cute on a baby!
Ryan: haha yes
Me: if I put that on my kid I would totally take tons of pictures and then show them to the kid when he/she was older
Me: "you were absolute gangsta when you were younger! what happened!?"
Ryan: "you were so hardcore.. now you're such a pussy"
Me: I'd love to drop my kid off in that at daycare
Me: you need to have children just so that you can try some of this shit
Ryan: haha
Ryan: I need to have kid to use them as my personal ad-space
Me: haha
Me: it would be awesome "Ryan has a big penis, and as you can see, my very presence is proof that he doesn't shoot blanks"
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: exactly
Ryan: "When I grow up, i'll have a really big wang like my dad's"
Me: haha and his shirt should have an arrow and you always have to stand next to him on that side
Me: just so they know who's the dad with the big penis
Ryan: haha
Ryan: "Baby Jesus ain't got nothin' on me!"
Me: LOL
Me: "I want to be a junkie when I grow up"
Ryan: haha then we can debunk that ad!
Ryan: "The bitches love me 'cause they know that I can ROCK"
Me: we really need to start a line of children's clothing
Ryan: haha I agree
Me: "Is your kid getting beaten up at school? By Phoe & Ryan's Xtreme Wear. No one messes with a kid that has "I'm going to shoot you then fuck the brain hole!" on his tee shirt!"
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: best baby-t ever
Me: thanks. I stole that from grosse pointe blank
Me: haha we could have a whole line of movie quote ones

"I'd tell you to blow it out your ass but my dick's in the way"
Ryan: that would make a good shirt
Me: Or, from Crank, "You haven't been tight since your brother fucked you in third grade"
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: that's good
Ryan: Hmm I need to work in something like.. "I can suck a nipple like you wouldn't believe" or something
Me: haha
Me: "Every day is girls gone wild when you breast feed"
Ryan: haha
Ryan: "I look better topless than you"
Ryan: or.. "Jealous that I can get away with not wearing pants?'
Me: we would be awesome childrens clothing line people
Ryan: haha I agree
Me: we've already came up with like 800 great ideas
Ryan: haha "I just came out of someone's uterus, what's your excuse?"
Me: "that came out of my butt!?!"
Ryan: haha
Me: oh and after that "I don't blame you if you abandon me now."
Me: oh do you know what you could also put your trademark phrase on a kid's outfit
Me: "Fucking you is like necrophilia because you're dead to me."
Ryan: haha that would be good
Ryan: random stuff like "I will punch you in the mouth" would be good too
Me: "your friends are really going to laugh when you have to tell them you were fucked up by a baby"
Ryan: haha
Ryan: "I may be small, but I can still kick YOUR ass"
Me: haha
Me: this is stealing Opt's schtick, but "if I had a nickel for every time someone's called me "cute" I would stick them in a sock and beat you with it"
Ryan: haha yeah
Me: "Suck on my junk"
Ryan: haha nice
Ryan: I dunno why I didn't think of that one
Ryan: "I killed a man with a trident"
Me: haha
Me: "my milkshake brings all the pedophiles to the yard"
Ryan: "Tricked into this lady's car with candy"
Me: haha
Me: "Stay away! I have Numchuk skills."
Ryan: haha nice
Me: I don't know why but I think "my lips hurt real bad" would be funny too
Ryan: hahah
Ryan: "Gimme some'a your tots!"

I hate harry potter

Me: I think the point where I realized I want BDN to be my best friend is when we were watching Robot Chicken, and it's this bit called "Dicks with Time Machines" where this jerk goes back in history and changes things
Ryan: haha yeah I've seen that
Me: And at one point the guy goes to JK rowling and tells her not to write harry potter and then it pops up "dicks with time machines!"
Me: and BDN was like, "more like saviors with time machines!"
Me: and I was like "YEAH!"
Ryan: hahah nice

good times

Me: but i did get this one guy that was horrible and hilarious at the same time
Me: he kept asking me who the author was on these DVD's
Me: and I kept telling him that DVD's don't have authors
Me: and then he wanted me to list out every movie in our western section
Me: and I told him I couldn't do that
Me: so he made me pick three
Ryan: haha
Ryan: what the
Me: and so I picked Shane, and then two I know he would hate, Dead Man (this crazy avant garde jim jarmush movie in the western section) and Unforgiven
Me: and I knew he'd pick shane
Me: but like he'd be like, "what's the title?"
Me: and I'd be like, "shane"
Me: and he'd say, "what?"
Me: and I'd be like, "shane"
Me: and he'd be like what?
Me: and I'd be like shane
Me: and he'd be like, "spell it for me"
Me: and I'd be like, "s h a n e"
Me: and he'd be like, "who wrote it"
Ryan: haha
Me: and I'd tell him DVD's don't have authors again
Me: and he'd be like, "what's it about?"
Me: and I'd be like, "a guy named Shane"
Me: and he'd be like, "who wrote it?"
Me: and I'd be like, "no one did it's a movie"
Me: and he'd be like, "do you have any Louis L'amour dvd's?"
Me: and I'd be like, "we have Louis L'Amour books."
Me: So then we get to Dead Man
Ryan: haha
Me: so I'm like, "the second one is Dead Man"
Me: "High Noon?"
Me: "No, but I can get High Noon if you want"
Me: "no that's all right. So what was the title?"
Me: "Dead Man"
Me: "High Noon?"
Me: "No but I can get High Noon if you want."
Me: "that's alright, what is the title of it?"
Me: "Dead Man"
Ryan: Haha what the hell is wrong with this man
Me: I know!
Me: "How do you spell it?"
Me: "d e a d space m a n"
Me: "who wrote it?"
Me: "Dvd's don't have authors."
Ryan: was he like.. one hundred and fifty?
Me: oh and by the way like he couldn't understand me so I had to speek three times my normal volume, which is pretty damn loud
Me: yeah he was old and pretty incoherant himself
Me: and my side of the conversation is being broadcast throught the entire store and everyone's laughing their asses off
Ryan: haha
Ryan: I would be too
Me: So then he is like what's the third one
Me: and I'm like, "Unforgiven." And for whatever reason I don't have to spell it for him
Me: and he's like what's it about and I read the back of it for him
Me: and he's like, "but what's it about?"
Me: and I am like, "well the west and stuff"
Me: and he's like, "what about the west?"
Me: oh and at some point I tell him Unforgiven came out in 1992 and for whatever reason it's the only fact he could remember this entire conversation
Me: so at random points after that he'd be like, "and you said that Unforgiven came out in 1992, right?"
Ryan: haha
Me: and I tell him all the awards unforgiven has gotten
Me: and he's like, "What was that first one again?"
Me: and I'm like, "Shane"
Me: and we do the "what?" "Shane" "who wrote it?" "spell it for me" thing all over again
Me: and then he's like what's the second one again? And I'm like, "Dead Man."
Ryan: how long did this go on for?
Me: and he fuckin says, "High Noon?" again
Me: like 20 goddamn minutes
Ryan: hahah
Me: and he's like, "that Unforgiven came out in 1992, right? I wish I knew what it was about"
Ryan: hahah
Me: and I'm like, "it's not a documentary or anything it IS a story."
Me: and he's like, "who wrote it?"
Ryan: :X
Me: and I'm like, "whoever wrote the screenplay."
Me: so then, actually it was before the whole thing on westerns
Me: he wants me to find Prancer, which is this kid's christmas DVD
Ryan: I Think I would have pistol-whipped this man by now any of my teachers pulled that kind of crap while I was working on their computer
Me: and we don't have it so he asks me to go through the entire christmas section
Me: haha
Me: and I'm like "charlie brown christmas" and he's like, "what's that about?" and I'm like, "charlie brown, the peanuts character." And he wants to know the price, and it's expensive because it's like 3 movies in one
Me: so he's like no and eventually he ends up picking rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Me: so okay I finally get done with the call
Me: and am like "sweet jesus it's finally over"
Ryan: wait wait.. this was on the phone?
Me: yeah
Me: haha I thought he was in the store pestering you and wandering around with you doing this
Me: haha no
Me: god that'd be even worse
Ryan: yeah
Ryan: it made for a good mental image though
Me: "DOES THIS FUCKING LOOK LIKE HIGH NOON TO YOU? IS GARY COOPER ON THE BOX? NO IT IS JOHNNY DEPP YOU SENILE OLD BASTARD"
Ryan: haha
Ryan: high noon?
Me: haha
Me: flash forward
Me: five minutes later
Me: Renegade is holding up the phone
Me: "your friend wants to speak to you again."
Ryan: haha
Me: "NO. YOU DEAL WITH IT"
Ryan: oh noes
Me: "no, he asked for the lady he was talking to before"
Me: "I don't care! I can't speak to this man again."
Me: Fiiiiiiinally Dayo badgers me until I do it
Ryan: "You say that unforgiven was made in 1992?"
Me: haha
Me: "so my grandaughter who I'm getting Rudolph for is 18. Is that too old?"
Ryan: :X
Me: "yes, yes it is sir."
Me: "what about that charlie brown movie you were telling me about?"
Me: "no, no. that's too young too."
Me: And at this point we are sold out of It's a Wonderful Life, Holiday Inn, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, etc.
Me: So the only not totally little kid christmas movie we have is Miracle on 34th Street
Me: so I badger the old guy until he agrees to get it. "It's a great movie! All ages!" etc. etc.
Ryan: All we have left is "Rudolpho: Something of Mine Is red, Bitch" and "Sit on my Lap, I'm Santa"
Me: "it's one of my favorites!"
Me: "everyone loves miracle on 34th street!"
Me: haha I should've given him the number of Risque's. "I bet they still have prancer"
Ryan: Oh, and "On Dasher, on Dancer: A Gay Reigndeer Love Story"
Me: and then finally I'm free
Me: that one after awhile I actually didn't mind too much because it was so hilarious
Me: High noon?
Ryan: Haha
Me: when I put this crap on hold for him I told the cashier that if some dude came in and didn't know what the hell he was looking for or wanted, that this (the pile of stuff I was holding) would be what he was looking for
Ryan: haha
Me: if he comes in and is like, "where am I? who are you people?" sell him Shane and Miracle on 34th street as fast as possible and get him the hell out of here
Ryan: high noon?
Me: hahaha
Me: I can get you high noon if you want
Ruam: No what's this other one called?
Me: Dead Man
Ryan: High noon?
Me: "d e a d space m a n!"
Ryan: High Man
Ryan: Dead nooooooon
Me: haha
Ryan: You should have sold him a pauly shore movie
Me: roflmao

well that's why I half wanted him to get Dead Man
Ryan: Encino man!
Me: because it's this crazy ass avante garde jim jarmush johnny depp movie
Me: and like Neil Young does the whole score
Me: and that crazy ass crispin glover is in it
Ryan: haha what the
Ryan: that sounds.. interesting
Me: and Iggy Pop plays this weird cross dresser who wants to rape johnny
Ryan: haha his character is named William Blake
Ryan: that's awesome
Me: and I can just imagine this confused old man sitting there watching it going, "what the fuck?"
Me: and/or "I thought this was high noon"
Ryan: haha
Me: "where's Gary Cooper? I'm scared and confused"
Ryan: Hold me johnny depp
Ryan: But not with those scissor haaaaaands
Ryan: I don't think Iv'e seen this movie
Ryan: and I should
Me: It's decent. I didn't love it, but I think it's because by that time in my cinema studies career I had been subjected to so many stupid avante garde films my attention span was shot and everything was boring
Ryan: yeah
Ryan: That's understandable
Me: so anyway that guy wasn't too bad, it was hilarious
Ryan: Sounds like it
Ryan: I think my excitement at work yesterday was my coworkers talking about all the whores they had sex with when they were in the military
Me: what!?!
Ryan: hah yeah
Ryan: one of them was talking about the whore houses in germany
Ryan: the other about the whores in singapore and southeast asia
Ryan: some of the best stories involved ganbanging
Ryan: and how they only got syphilis twice
Me: haha wow
Me: are these people teachers?
Ryan: nah, my fellow IT guys
Me: hmm
Me: still disturbing
Ryan: Yeah, very
Ryan: It's a little.. awkward to sit there and listen to this stff
Me: you should've been like, "one time I fucked this girl so hard she shitted blood for like a week."
Me: I was like, "i'm gonna marry her."
Ryan: hahah
Me: but then she died because I gave her syphillis
Me: the end
Me: and like, just like awkwardly shout it out while someone is in the middle of their story
Ryan: I'm not sure I should sink to their level
Me: well if you're lying it's funny
Ryan: I should start talking about how much I love jesus
Me: if you actually had done that it would be creepy
Me: hahaha
Ryan: blah blah blah Gangbangs..
Me: you should just leave jehovah's witness pamphlets anonymously all over their desks tomorrow
Ryan: "You know who else is good at taking it from everyone? jesus.. "
Ryan: "he died for our sins you know"

couch date rape

Ryan: Hm I wonder what I should get you for christmas
Ryan: a picture of me dressed as Dr. Rockso
Me: HAHA YES
Me: Oh I also need a picture of you doing your OH face at one point, because I am planning to do the "people who've humped my couch" gallery soon
Ryan: haha nice
Me: I plan on looking passed out, with cushions heaped on me, like the couch caught me unawares and humped me
Ryan: haha I agree with this
Ryan: It's too bad I don't have one in reverse
Me: eh?
Ryan: like.. somehow make the couch seem unaware
Ryan: and me humping it from behind
Me: oh my god
Me: that would be hilarious
Me: I could try and take some plain pictures of my couch if you think you could photoshop yourself date raping it
Ryan: haha
Ryan: with my hand on it all consoling.. and my finger up to my mouth all.. "Shhh"
Ryan: I wish we could make your couch look like it's crying
Me: awww, you seem so experienced at this
Me: I could sort of tape blue tear drops to it somewhere
Ryan: haha
Ryan: make the cushions all up like eyebrows
Me: haha aww
Me: if it looks too human It'll be sad
Ryan: I can picture in my head making the cushions looking like a bent over person
Me: haha.... I'll see what I can do
Me: but I mean the couch is already at crotch height for humping pleasure
Ryan: True

Me: so now your plans for my couch are up on my blog
Ryan: Crap
Me: crap?
Ryan: that would totally ruin my plans
Me: I don't think my couch can read
Ryan: Are you sure though?
Me: yes
Me: one day I gave it poison and not poison
Me: and it picked the poisoned one
Me: and then I had to take it to the hospital
Me: but it was clearly labeled poison
Ryan: haha
Ryan: maybe it's just suicidal from all the unwanted humping

unholy video

Me: ah. Yeah, a buck's not too bad to rent something like that. I just have to decide whether or not it's worth going to hipster video, that's the real hidden cost :P
Elaine: a dollar and piece of your soul
Me: haha
Me: you're making it sound more like satan video
Elaine: i think they're changing the name
Elaine: unholy video
Elaine: sign our contract......in blood
Me: I want to start Unholy Video
Me: only all my movies would be children's movies
Elaine: you pay late fees w/ your firstborn child
Elaine: that would be PERFECT. only children's movies and candy w/ razorblades in it
Me: Elaine, if you have the capital, I have the know how
Elaine: done and done
Me: I've been sticking razor blades in candy for years now
Elaine: i was thinking, at the video store, everytime someone rents a children's video, they get a free rental copy of one of the "faces of death" series
Elaine: "okay sir. here's your tainted snicker's bar, a copy of pollyanna, and faces of death 7"
Me: if we run out of faces of death I was thinking of documentaries on serial killers, too. Because if any of these kids survive, we obviously want them to be the future purveyors of razorblade candy and death
Elaine: brilliant!

gargamel

Me: oh guess what I keep forgetting this
Me: because it's big but like they told me in such an incidental way I keep forgetting
Me: but I'm going to be an aunt a second time!
Tina: cool!
Me: they hope it's not another boy because, quote, "they could barely agree on a boys name the first time, they shudder just thinking of trying it again"
Me: if they have a boy I need to convince him to name him something crazy
Me: "Cool Mo D"
Tina: Gargamel
Me: LOL
Me: dude if I had a nephew named Gargamel I would win at life