good times

Me: but i did get this one guy that was horrible and hilarious at the same time
Me: he kept asking me who the author was on these DVD's
Me: and I kept telling him that DVD's don't have authors
Me: and then he wanted me to list out every movie in our western section
Me: and I told him I couldn't do that
Me: so he made me pick three
Ryan: haha
Ryan: what the
Me: and so I picked Shane, and then two I know he would hate, Dead Man (this crazy avant garde jim jarmush movie in the western section) and Unforgiven
Me: and I knew he'd pick shane
Me: but like he'd be like, "what's the title?"
Me: and I'd be like, "shane"
Me: and he'd say, "what?"
Me: and I'd be like, "shane"
Me: and he'd be like what?
Me: and I'd be like shane
Me: and he'd be like, "spell it for me"
Me: and I'd be like, "s h a n e"
Me: and he'd be like, "who wrote it"
Ryan: haha
Me: and I'd tell him DVD's don't have authors again
Me: and he'd be like, "what's it about?"
Me: and I'd be like, "a guy named Shane"
Me: and he'd be like, "who wrote it?"
Me: and I'd be like, "no one did it's a movie"
Me: and he'd be like, "do you have any Louis L'amour dvd's?"
Me: and I'd be like, "we have Louis L'Amour books."
Me: So then we get to Dead Man
Ryan: haha
Me: so I'm like, "the second one is Dead Man"
Me: "High Noon?"
Me: "No, but I can get High Noon if you want"
Me: "no that's all right. So what was the title?"
Me: "Dead Man"
Me: "High Noon?"
Me: "No but I can get High Noon if you want."
Me: "that's alright, what is the title of it?"
Me: "Dead Man"
Ryan: Haha what the hell is wrong with this man
Me: I know!
Me: "How do you spell it?"
Me: "d e a d space m a n"
Me: "who wrote it?"
Me: "Dvd's don't have authors."
Ryan: was he like.. one hundred and fifty?
Me: oh and by the way like he couldn't understand me so I had to speek three times my normal volume, which is pretty damn loud
Me: yeah he was old and pretty incoherant himself
Me: and my side of the conversation is being broadcast throught the entire store and everyone's laughing their asses off
Ryan: haha
Ryan: I would be too
Me: So then he is like what's the third one
Me: and I'm like, "Unforgiven." And for whatever reason I don't have to spell it for him
Me: and he's like what's it about and I read the back of it for him
Me: and he's like, "but what's it about?"
Me: and I am like, "well the west and stuff"
Me: and he's like, "what about the west?"
Me: oh and at some point I tell him Unforgiven came out in 1992 and for whatever reason it's the only fact he could remember this entire conversation
Me: so at random points after that he'd be like, "and you said that Unforgiven came out in 1992, right?"
Ryan: haha
Me: and I tell him all the awards unforgiven has gotten
Me: and he's like, "What was that first one again?"
Me: and I'm like, "Shane"
Me: and we do the "what?" "Shane" "who wrote it?" "spell it for me" thing all over again
Me: and then he's like what's the second one again? And I'm like, "Dead Man."
Ryan: how long did this go on for?
Me: and he fuckin says, "High Noon?" again
Me: like 20 goddamn minutes
Ryan: hahah
Me: and he's like, "that Unforgiven came out in 1992, right? I wish I knew what it was about"
Ryan: hahah
Me: and I'm like, "it's not a documentary or anything it IS a story."
Me: and he's like, "who wrote it?"
Ryan: :X
Me: and I'm like, "whoever wrote the screenplay."
Me: so then, actually it was before the whole thing on westerns
Me: he wants me to find Prancer, which is this kid's christmas DVD
Ryan: I Think I would have pistol-whipped this man by now any of my teachers pulled that kind of crap while I was working on their computer
Me: and we don't have it so he asks me to go through the entire christmas section
Me: haha
Me: and I'm like "charlie brown christmas" and he's like, "what's that about?" and I'm like, "charlie brown, the peanuts character." And he wants to know the price, and it's expensive because it's like 3 movies in one
Me: so he's like no and eventually he ends up picking rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Me: so okay I finally get done with the call
Me: and am like "sweet jesus it's finally over"
Ryan: wait wait.. this was on the phone?
Me: yeah
Me: haha I thought he was in the store pestering you and wandering around with you doing this
Me: haha no
Me: god that'd be even worse
Ryan: yeah
Ryan: it made for a good mental image though
Me: "DOES THIS FUCKING LOOK LIKE HIGH NOON TO YOU? IS GARY COOPER ON THE BOX? NO IT IS JOHNNY DEPP YOU SENILE OLD BASTARD"
Ryan: haha
Ryan: high noon?
Me: haha
Me: flash forward
Me: five minutes later
Me: Renegade is holding up the phone
Me: "your friend wants to speak to you again."
Ryan: haha
Me: "NO. YOU DEAL WITH IT"
Ryan: oh noes
Me: "no, he asked for the lady he was talking to before"
Me: "I don't care! I can't speak to this man again."
Me: Fiiiiiiinally Dayo badgers me until I do it
Ryan: "You say that unforgiven was made in 1992?"
Me: haha
Me: "so my grandaughter who I'm getting Rudolph for is 18. Is that too old?"
Ryan: :X
Me: "yes, yes it is sir."
Me: "what about that charlie brown movie you were telling me about?"
Me: "no, no. that's too young too."
Me: And at this point we are sold out of It's a Wonderful Life, Holiday Inn, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, etc.
Me: So the only not totally little kid christmas movie we have is Miracle on 34th Street
Me: so I badger the old guy until he agrees to get it. "It's a great movie! All ages!" etc. etc.
Ryan: All we have left is "Rudolpho: Something of Mine Is red, Bitch" and "Sit on my Lap, I'm Santa"
Me: "it's one of my favorites!"
Me: "everyone loves miracle on 34th street!"
Me: haha I should've given him the number of Risque's. "I bet they still have prancer"
Ryan: Oh, and "On Dasher, on Dancer: A Gay Reigndeer Love Story"
Me: and then finally I'm free
Me: that one after awhile I actually didn't mind too much because it was so hilarious
Me: High noon?
Ryan: Haha
Me: when I put this crap on hold for him I told the cashier that if some dude came in and didn't know what the hell he was looking for or wanted, that this (the pile of stuff I was holding) would be what he was looking for
Ryan: haha
Me: if he comes in and is like, "where am I? who are you people?" sell him Shane and Miracle on 34th street as fast as possible and get him the hell out of here
Ryan: high noon?
Me: hahaha
Me: I can get you high noon if you want
Ruam: No what's this other one called?
Me: Dead Man
Ryan: High noon?
Me: "d e a d space m a n!"
Ryan: High Man
Ryan: Dead nooooooon
Me: haha
Ryan: You should have sold him a pauly shore movie
Me: roflmao

well that's why I half wanted him to get Dead Man
Ryan: Encino man!
Me: because it's this crazy ass avante garde jim jarmush johnny depp movie
Me: and like Neil Young does the whole score
Me: and that crazy ass crispin glover is in it
Ryan: haha what the
Ryan: that sounds.. interesting
Me: and Iggy Pop plays this weird cross dresser who wants to rape johnny
Ryan: haha his character is named William Blake
Ryan: that's awesome
Me: and I can just imagine this confused old man sitting there watching it going, "what the fuck?"
Me: and/or "I thought this was high noon"
Ryan: haha
Me: "where's Gary Cooper? I'm scared and confused"
Ryan: Hold me johnny depp
Ryan: But not with those scissor haaaaaands
Ryan: I don't think Iv'e seen this movie
Ryan: and I should
Me: It's decent. I didn't love it, but I think it's because by that time in my cinema studies career I had been subjected to so many stupid avante garde films my attention span was shot and everything was boring
Ryan: yeah
Ryan: That's understandable
Me: so anyway that guy wasn't too bad, it was hilarious
Ryan: Sounds like it
Ryan: I think my excitement at work yesterday was my coworkers talking about all the whores they had sex with when they were in the military
Me: what!?!
Ryan: hah yeah
Ryan: one of them was talking about the whore houses in germany
Ryan: the other about the whores in singapore and southeast asia
Ryan: some of the best stories involved ganbanging
Ryan: and how they only got syphilis twice
Me: haha wow
Me: are these people teachers?
Ryan: nah, my fellow IT guys
Me: hmm
Me: still disturbing
Ryan: Yeah, very
Ryan: It's a little.. awkward to sit there and listen to this stff
Me: you should've been like, "one time I fucked this girl so hard she shitted blood for like a week."
Me: I was like, "i'm gonna marry her."
Ryan: hahah
Me: but then she died because I gave her syphillis
Me: the end
Me: and like, just like awkwardly shout it out while someone is in the middle of their story
Ryan: I'm not sure I should sink to their level
Me: well if you're lying it's funny
Ryan: I should start talking about how much I love jesus
Me: if you actually had done that it would be creepy
Me: hahaha
Ryan: blah blah blah Gangbangs..
Me: you should just leave jehovah's witness pamphlets anonymously all over their desks tomorrow
Ryan: "You know who else is good at taking it from everyone? jesus.. "
Ryan: "he died for our sins you know"

ray j

Phoemeister: speaking of work, this woman was a total bastard to me today
Sui: that sucks.. but that will happen
Phoemeister: Really, people are nice to me on the whole, but the last couple days I've gottne a few prize winners
Sui: gimme the good stuff
Phoemeister: anyway, I couldn't find this CD for her, so she goes and asks one of my coworkers
Phoemeister: and he tells me afterwards she complained to him about how rude I was to her
Phoemeister: when I wasn't rude to her
Sui: hm that sucks
Phoemeister: I just couldn't find a cd that was not there to find
Sui: how did she think you were rude?
Phoemeister: well, I didn't get any details, he was just like, "She told me you were all rude to her" and then I asked a few people who had been around about it later and the general consensus was "you are alright, she's just stupid"
Sui: haha okay
Phoemeister: but still. What if she'd said that to one of my managers or something?
Sui: that's good : )
Sui: well
Phoemeister: and do you know what kills me?
Sui: then hopefully your managers have the common sense to ask you
Phoemeister: all of this wasn't even over a good CD
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: she wanted to find this CD so crappy that it came out today and we only have one (I mean, we have at least two or three of even the most obscure bands) and the guy who made it is like Brandy's younger brother. So you've gotta think he's basically the Ashlee Simpson of R & B, except no one's even heard of him aside from this one bitchy middle-aged woman.
Sui: haha
Sui: did you explain that to her?
Phoemeister: no
Phoemeister: that would've been rude :P
Phoemeister: people are stupid though
Phoemeister: I mean, am I god?
Phoemeister: can I make the CD just appear?
Sui: yes!
Phoemeister: can I just pull it out of my ass and hand it to you?
Sui: that would be a neat trick
Phoemeister: well.... thanks for the vote of confidence
Sui: of cousre : )
Sui: i'm here to help
Phoemeister: yeah. It would save on money if I could just pull whatever album I wanted out of my ass. Something tells me, though, even if I could, I wouldn't pull out "Raydiation" by Ray J, Brandy's brother, of my ass.
Sui: haha
Sui: god I'd hope not.. but that would explain the quality of the album

excorcist

Phoemeister: Oh, the most hilarious thing happened yesterday.
Phoemeister: You know that guy I periodically mention who's just always in a total drug haze and weird and annoying and we all hate him, and he has my name memorized?
Sui: yes
Phoemeister: Anyway, he called up yesterday
Phoemeister: and the exorcist theme song was playing in the background
Phoemeister: I kid you not
Sui: hahah
Sui: that's a little freaky
Phoemeister: then he was like, "sorry, I have to go, I got another call" and hung up on me
Sui: what a weirdo
Phoemeister: I know. He's the one we caught shopping at Barnes & Noble too
Phoemeister: I wish he'd just pick them and leave us alone
Phoemeister: but they wouldn't be able to order in all the crazy Polish death metal for him like we do
Sui: haha