me: I'm glad!
I still have to plan exactly what we're doing
maybe when I'm not so busy pooing
that rhymed, bitch!
suibrom: haha
you are a lyrical master
you'd think with all the sitting down you'd have plenty of time to
think and write ideas
me: haha
I don't think so much
as grunt
and cry a little
suibrom: so kind of like your sex life?
BOOM
me: haha
awesome burn
I'm going to have to tell Jeremy

Maybe Ryan's Just Too Demanding

(10:52:04 PM) Me: this is what it's like when doves cry
(10:52:09 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(10:52:10 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: fuck
(10:52:17 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: this is more like when doves rape eachother
(10:52:18 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: in the ass
(10:52:24 PM) Me: hahah
(10:52:49 PM) Me: doves asses are actually the same hole as their vag
(10:52:55 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: it's true
(10:53:02 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: and their pee hole
(10:53:06 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: it's all one hole baby
(10:53:08 PM) Me: wow
(10:53:15 PM) Me: I didn't know about the pee hole business
(10:53:42 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: yeah their fecal matter and urine all come out the same hole as a big wet glop
(10:53:56 PM) Me: I guess you would know about birds
(10:53:58 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: that's that white and brown stuff that comes out when birds crap
(10:54:04 PM) Me: does it burn when it's on your penis?
(10:54:09 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(10:54:13 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: the bird or the urine?
(10:54:22 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: because sometimes I like to put the bird on my wang, and set it on fire
(10:54:27 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: and in that case, it does burn

ass poisoning

(5:12:31 PM) Me: and actually this time I was being sarcastic :P
(5:13:13 PM) Optimus Prime: yes, but I defeated your sarcasm by taking it seriously
(5:13:40 PM) Me: it felt like being a little girl whose parents told her she will never be pretty
(5:14:09 PM) Optimus Prime: oh... btw....
(5:14:12 PM) Me: ?
(5:14:25 PM) Optimus Prime: c'mon, now
(5:14:29 PM) Optimus Prime: think
(5:14:30 PM) Me: you're not my mom!
(5:14:35 PM) Optimus Prime: no...
(5:14:40 PM) Optimus Prime: I was going to say...
(5:14:49 PM) Optimus Prime: you'll never be pretty
(5:14:56 PM) Me: yeah and I was saying you're not my mom
(5:15:03 PM) Me: so it's not my parents telling me I'll never be pretty
(5:15:14 PM) Me: someone who just bangs my mom doesn't count
(5:15:44 PM) Optimus Prime: well, I'm like your dad in that respect
(5:16:12 PM) Me: yeah but you still aren't my real daddy
(5:16:46 PM) Me: your opinion is nothing!
(5:16:58 PM) Optimus Prime: I can still take you over my knee, girl!
(5:17:20 PM) Me: and then I'll have you arrested as a sex offender, creepy step dad
(5:17:31 PM) Me: "she touched my butt"
(5:17:42 PM) Optimus Prime: right
(5:17:46 PM) Optimus Prime: except you're not a minor
(5:18:37 PM) Optimus Prime: I'll tell them you wanted me to spank you
(5:18:41 PM) Me: well then maybe I'll join the army and fight for my country
(5:18:45 PM) Optimus Prime: after all, I do have a nice collection of floggers
(5:19:25 PM) Me: I'm going to coat my ass in poison so whoever touches it dies horribly
(5:19:35 PM) Me: but like in a way so that it doesn't touch me
(5:19:42 PM) Optimus Prime: that's what the floggers are for. someone will pay me extra for that
(5:19:58 PM) Me: I don't want "Phoexx0r died of ass poisoning today" as part of my obit
(5:20:16 PM) Optimus Prime: well, your obit will most likely be ass related
(5:20:42 PM) Me: haha "her colon finally EXPLODED! We knew it would happen sooner or later. Steve won the pool, he picked Oct 13"
(5:20:55 PM) Optimus Prime: exactly
(5:21:57 PM) Me: what day did you bet on? I can make you rich
(5:22:26 PM) Optimus Prime: nah, I don't like dirty money
(5:22:29 PM) Optimus Prime: that would be cheating
(5:23:28 PM) Me: haha you're already betting on the date of an ass death of a close friend
(5:23:37 PM) Me: and now you have scruples?
(5:24:00 PM) Optimus Prime: don't split hairs
(5:24:09 PM) Optimus Prime: you're going to die anyway
(5:24:10 PM) Me: haha
(5:25:05 PM) Me: you're a ray of sunshine
(5:25:30 PM) Optimus Prime: well ... c'mon
(5:25:36 PM) Optimus Prime: we all gotta go sometime
(5:25:43 PM) Optimus Prime: your colon just makes it more interesting
(5:25:45 PM) Optimus Prime: and messy
(5:25:52 PM) Me: haha
(5:26:14 PM) Me: "crap everywhere! this is awesome!"
(5:26:25 PM) Me: Eh, I probably would rather crapstorm than alzheimers
(5:26:27 PM) Me: so I got that going for me
(5:26:41 PM) Optimus Prime: you'll prolly both
(5:26:51 PM) Me: haha
(5:26:57 PM) Me: "how did all this get here?"
(5:27:07 PM) Me: "oh wait now I'm dead"
(5:29:21 PM) Optimus Prime: that's how it happens a lot
(5:29:38 PM) Optimus Prime: mostly alzheimer's patients forget to go to the toilet when they have to crap
(5:29:39 PM) Me: well I guess technically most people have a minor crap storm
(5:29:45 PM) Me: since your bowels escape
(5:29:45 PM) Optimus Prime: you'd prolly die from the smell
(5:29:54 PM) Optimus Prime: evacuate
(5:30:11 PM) Me: quiet, you
(5:30:17 PM) Optimus Prime: they don't actually break free of their own volition

weed

(11:52:45 AM) Me: I think I have seen that stuff before
(11:52:59 AM) Me: I had just labeled it "random weed" in my head
(11:53:19 AM) Andi: now it can be "random weed that makes andi miserable"
(11:53:37 AM) Me: awww
(11:53:47 AM) Me: if I see any golden rod around I will slit its throat!
(11:53:52 AM) Me: I will fuck that bitch up!
(11:54:01 AM) Andi: columbian necktie for old goldenrod
(11:54:06 AM) Me: oh yes
(11:54:15 AM) Me: then I'll take a shit on it for laughs
(11:54:18 AM) Me: I mean it's already dead
(11:54:24 AM) Me: but pooping on it is still fun for me
(11:54:39 AM) Andi: by all means, go for it
(11:54:56 AM) Me: maybe poo is an antihistimine no one's tried before
(11:55:13 AM) Andi: i'll stick to the pinks if you don't mind
(11:55:21 AM) Me: haha I don't mind at all
(11:55:44 AM) Me: I'm glad you're not my boss anymore, I just realized it is probably pretty horrible that I basically just offered you my poo
(11:55:55 AM) Andi: lol
(11:55:57 AM) Andi: no worries

ryan truly is the win to my wang

(11:40:58 PM) Me: sorry, I was in the shower
(11:41:00 PM) Me: masturbating
(11:41:03 PM) Me: to you masturbating
(11:41:05 PM) Me: to me pooping
(11:41:17 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(11:41:25 PM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: nice I must have known, because I was masturbating to all that

somewhere out there

phoemeister (1:37:43 PM): and I actually do have the runs cause I ate a lot of pizza earlier
Suibrom (1:38:06 PM): doh : (
Suibrom (1:38:15 PM): I have a feeling this boatload of nachos is going to have a similar effect
phoemeister (1:38:29 PM): haha do you remember an American Tail?
Suibrom (1:38:59 PM): yeah
phoemeister (1:39:14 PM): you know that song they sing about how they're thinking of each other
phoemeister (1:39:18 PM): and looking at the same stars
phoemeister (1:39:21 PM): at the same time
Suibrom (1:39:22 PM): haha
phoemeister (1:39:26 PM): that could be us
phoemeister (1:39:30 PM): but with poo
Suibrom (1:39:35 PM): maybe we can sing about horrible ass-burning runs
phoemeister (1:39:55 PM): "Someeeeewheree ouuuuuuuuut theeeeeeeeeere beneath the pale moonlight..."
phoemeister (1:40:06 PM): "someone's thinking of me, and shitting out their guts"
Suibrom (1:40:19 PM): hahah
Suibrom (1:40:21 PM): beautiful

blue poo: the poem

(1:06:03 AM) Me: what is up my blue pooin' friend?
(1:07:16 AM) blue poo: pooin' blue
(1:07:24 AM) Me: through and through?
(1:07:27 AM) blue poo: true
(1:07:34 AM) Me: oh, you
(1:07:51 AM) blue poo: a poem
(1:08:03 AM) Me: I suppose it's better than my last one
(1:08:06 AM) Me: "roses are red
(1:08:10 AM) Me: violets are blue
(1:08:16 AM) Me: can I masturbate on your front porch?"
(1:08:24 AM) blue poo: nice
(1:08:27 AM) blue poo: and yes
(1:08:29 AM) blue poo: oh
(1:08:38 AM) blue poo: it wasn't a question...it was a poem

purple poo

(12:48:05 AM) Me: and I was like, "Please tell me you have pills that make you crap blue! It's the only color I can't make!"
(12:48:16 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(12:48:22 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: have you made purple then?
(12:48:42 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: or is it like.. anything above blue on the spectrum?
(12:48:57 AM) Me: hahah I don't know wtf that was but it was hilarious
(12:49:03 AM) Me: I can sort of make purple
(12:49:09 AM) Me: if my colon is bleeding
(12:49:16 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: that's more red
(12:49:25 AM) Me: it was a burgundy
(12:49:28 AM) Me: which is close enough
(12:49:40 AM) Me: considering most people can't make that
(12:49:45 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: haha
(12:49:48 AM) Ryanthor Murdoch: the Win to my Wang: without being seriously ill anyway
(12:49:53 AM) Me: exactly

blue poo

This is not Andy DN. But I still found this conver amusing:

(12:31:54 AM) Me: I can poo most of the colors of the rainbow though
(12:37:40 AM) dude: impressive
(12:38:38 AM) Me: blue eludes me
(12:39:12 AM) dude: eat blueberries
(12:39:43 AM) Me: I have
(12:39:47 AM) Me: doesn't help
(12:41:00 AM) dude: really? it works for me
(12:42:02 AM) Me: haha you poop blue?
(12:42:23 AM) dude: sort of
(12:42:25 AM) Me: Andy....... you complete me

poo finger

Phoemeister: I'm not really a huge donut fan
Suibrom: well I'm not a huge Amy fan!
Suibrom: Okay, that's a lie, I am
Phoemeister: haha thanks
Phoemeister: I hope you have an Amy-themed foam finger
Suibrom: I do
Suibrom: Amy's Number 2!
Suibrom: it's also stained brown
Phoemeister: hahaahah
Phoemeister: you douche
Suibrom: and that 's is more of a posessive than a contraction
Phoemeister: yeah, I laughed really hard, but the joke's over
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: The poo joke is very over when it's about you

act natural

bishopposey: I'm supposed to go to this party tomorrow night... no, not just supposed, I WANT to, but I'm afraid my stomach will get all upset.
bishopposey: yargh
Phoemeister: aww
Phoemeister: look, if worst comes to worst
Phoemeister: just shit on someone's chest and then act like they asked you to
Phoemeister: and then everyone will think that person is the freak
bishopposey: hahaha
bishopposey: Have you used that one before?
Phoemeister: haha no, I just thought it up, actually
bishopposey: that's brilliant.
Phoemeister: but I do have tons of hilarious poo talk
Phoemeister: thank you
Phoemeister: I'm the einstein of the poo impaired world

bathroom sets

Phoemeister: oh, I forgot to mention to you today I was talking to this guy Todd at work, and he said something so much lik eyou that I wanted to be like, "Ryan?"
Phoemeister: basically we were talking about this bitchy old woman we used to work with
Phoemeister: and just out of nowhere Todd's like, "I think sleeping with her was a mistake"
Suibrom: hahah
Suibrom: brilliant
Phoemeister: and then goes onto say that if he DID get the chance, he WOULD tap that just to humiliate her the next day :P
Phoemeister: good times
Suibrom: I would say something like that
Phoemeister: you would
Phoemeister: I have never talked to Todd all that much because he's on inventory team, so I don't see him that often, but for some reason he's been around more today and yesterday, and I've decided he's hilarious
Suibrom: and his name is todd
Suibrom: does he drive a van?
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I should ask him that
Phoemeister: I used to think that whenever I saw him
Phoemeister: but then I forgot because Todd has not featured prominently in many of the more recent comics
Phoemeister: I should ask him if his first time was to Blood Beagle
Phoemeister: but then he'd be like, "wha?"
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: He's also taught me to say:

"You know what? Fuck you!"
Phoemeister: which in theory I knew how
Phoemeister: but he gave me the confidence I needed
Suibrom: that is an important thing to know
Suibrom: also "Close your legs grandma! No one wants to see your silver cotton candy!"
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: what's that from?
Suibrom: i think it was on an episode of Mad TV
Suibrom: but I forget
Phoemeister: ah
Suibrom: find be a cool shower curtain!
Phoemeister: eh?
Suibrom: find me, rather
Phoemeister: oh
Phoemeister: um
Phoemeister: I think you should just write that cotton candy thing on a plain white one.
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: I think all your guests would be very impressed
Suibrom: what about something like this?
Suibrom: http://www.find-me-a-gift.co.uk/images/product_ima ges/fullsize/pal087.jpg
Phoemeister: haha. I say you should cut out the blank face
Phoemeister: and stick your head out like one of those cutouts they have at amusement parks
Suibrom: I think it's clear
Suibrom: and that's the point
Phoemeister: damn
Phoemeister: I am not half as cool as I thought I was
Phoemeister: I dunno
Phoemeister: I think it is not very hot
Phoemeister: or cool
Suibrom: i agree
Suibrom: I was joking ; P
Phoemeister: oh
Phoemeister: I suppose it is so gay it could be funny
Phoemeister: you should get something really horrible
Phoemeister: like pink bunnies
Phoemeister: or yellow chicks
Phoemeister: or monkeys flinging poo at each other
Phoemeister: guess what?
Suibrom: whaaaat
Phoemeister: well, you know how annoying it is when people say literally when they don't mean something literally?
Suibrom: yeah
Phoemeister: I've decided I'm going to do the opposite and start saying literally in sentences where there's no possible interpretation BUT the literal interpretation
Phoemeister: Ryan literally lives in Las Vegas!
Phoemeister: I literally live with my parents!
Phoemeister: I'm literally 5'6"
Suibrom: hahah
Suibrom: nice
Phoemeister: yeah
Suibrom: I am literally sitting here talking to you
Phoemeister: OH MY GOD, I'm literally doing the exact same thing!
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: although technically we're not
Suibrom: because w're not talking
Suibrom: so that might not work
Phoemeister: well we can just have the same thing
Phoemeister: only IMing
Suibrom: indeed
Phoemeister: I'm literally sitting here IMing you
Phoemeister: I've literally never been mauled by a bear
Suibrom: I have also literally never been mauled by a bear
Phoemeister: wow, I literally did not know that about you, though I suspected
Phoemeister: Are you literally an IT guy?
Suibrom: I literally am
Phoemeister: I literally had food for lunch
Suibrom: I literally have not eaten since about noon yesterday
Phoemeister: that is literally very bad for you
Suibrom: yeah I am literally hungry
Phoemeister: you should literally go out and get something
Suibrom: I should
Suibrom: what should I eat?
Phoemeister: you know what I'm going to say
Phoemeister: why do you even ask?
Suibrom: damn you
Suibrom: because I thought maybe this once you might be helpful
Phoemeister: fine fine fine
Phoemeister: get some chinese
Suibrom: taco bell is somewhat valid since it's just down the street
Phoemeister: TACO BELL
Suibrom: I ate chinese like.. 5 times this weekend
Phoemeister: hells yeah
Suibrom: I need something else
Phoemeister: well I knew you liked chinese
Phoemeister: I was trying to think outside of the box
Phoemeister: if it was me I'd say burger hot dog or taco bell
Suibrom: chinese are good, but kind of moody sometimes
Suibrom: hmm the closest burger place is mcdonalds.. and i think I'd rather stab myself than eat there
Phoemeister: lol
Suibrom: hot dogs are good.. and wienerschnitzel is kind of close.. but I did have that last week
Phoemeister: pizza
Suibrom: got pizza at home in the fridge.. probably have that for dinner
Phoemeister: look, there's a finite amount o fthings that are fairly cheap
Phoemeister: the only thing left is like, subway
Suibrom: hmm
Phoemeister: so unless you want me to tell you to get prime rib
Suibrom: prime rib is literally awesome
Phoemeister: it is
Phoemeister: it's literally pretty expensive though
Suibrom: yeah it is
Phoemeister: so that's why I did not suggest it at the outset
Suibrom: you should literally buy me some prime rib for lunch
Phoemeister: I literally would if I 1) had the money and 2) literally lived near you
Suibrom: well you better literally do get to work on that
Phoemeister: well what would I do if I literally lived in Vegas?
Phoemeister: I am literally pretty bad at stripping
Suibrom: hang out with me and buy me prime rib of course
Phoemeister: aww :-) that would be nice
Phoemeister: I bet you make more than I do, though
Phoemeister: so I would make you buy me prime rib
Suibrom: yeah probably
Suibrom: but I'm also poor from paying all the bills
Phoemeister: true dat
Suibrom: perhaps we can pool our money and share a single prime rib
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: niice
Suibrom: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?or der_num=-1&SKU=104967&RN=10
Suibrom: this is the closest I can come to the shower curtain I have in my mind
Phoemeister: what is the shower curtain IN YOUR MIND?
Suibrom: it is the thin veil I pull over the evil parts to keep me from GOING INSANE
Suibrom: oh you mean the shower curtain I have pictured in my mind?
Phoemeister: LOL.... that's why I said IN YOUR MIND, because it sounded something like that.

but yeah, I did wonder about what you had pictured
Suibrom: it's kind of like that.. but with one big bamboo pattern on the curtain instead of repeating small ones
Suibrom: like.. hmm
Phoemeister: I'm disapointed that there are no actual pandas
Phoemeister: I know what you mean though
Phoemeister: I'd like to have a Saddam Hussein-esque shower curtain
Phoemeister: with like, a naked woman riding a dragon or something
Phoemeister: I think it would be hilarious
Suibrom: hahh
Suibrom: or maybe a wizard on a unicorn flying over a rainbow... in space?
Phoemeister: yeah
Suibrom: a naked wizard
Phoemeister: hell yeah!
Phoemeister: only I'm so nerdy no one would realize I was doing it to be funny, they'd all think I did it becuase I seriously love fantasy/sci fi and feel bad for me
Suibrom: hahah
Suibrom: I would shower in a bathroom sporting that curtain!
Phoemeister: thank you!
Phoemeister: if I ever do get it
Suibrom: but be somewhat disturbed knowing you please yourself while looking at the naked wizard
Phoemeister: you will be my first guest to shower there
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I'll get a girl wizard
Suibrom: nice.. then I will also be able to please myself
Phoemeister: so that you can please yourself while thinking of me pleasing myself to a female wizard
Phoemeister: LOL
Suibrom: hahah
Phoemeister: damn slow typing
Suibrom: I was thinking something like this
Suibrom: http://www.chinapage.com/painting/bamboo/wuzhen. jpg
Suibrom: without the writing
Suibrom: like.. take that.. and put it on a shower curtain
Phoemeister: I like that
Phoemeister: I do agree that the writing is not necessary
Suibrom: yeah
Phoemeister: I bet it says "fuck you, american pig!"
Suibrom: hahh
Phoemeister: I'd buy a curtain that said that in english, but no way would I buy a curtain that said that in foriegn
Suibrom: or on a shower curtain "I am masturbating while thinking about naked wizards behind here, do not be fooled by the tranquility of the bamboo"
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: yes
Phoemeister: that is literally a very good idea
Suibrom: I should literally buy this shower curtain
Phoemeister: you should. literally.
Suibrom: I don't really like the bath set the suggest with it though
Suibrom: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?or der_num=-1&sku=106317
Suibrom: it's kind of cool
Suibrom: but I dunno
Suibrom: seems a little cheesy to have everything be made of bamboo with bamboo painted on it
Phoemeister: I really wish I did know japanese or chinese, and could really prove all those signs that say "serenity" or whatever next to them really mean "poop."
Phoemeister: yeah, I noticed that
Phoemeister: I was going to say I would disembowel you if you got the bamboo toothbrush holder to go with it
Phoemeister: but then I got on the whole fuck you american pig tangent
Suibrom: however.. that is not nearly as gay as the "surfer's dream" set
Suibrom: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?or der_num=-1&SKU=106660&RN=8
Phoemeister: the toothpaste holder blows my mind though
Phoemeister: it's shaped like bamboo
Phoemeister: WITH BAMBOO PRINTED ON IT
Suibrom: hahah
Suibrom: yeah
Phoemeister: but it's all pretty horrible
Phoemeister: roflmao at the surfer one
Suibrom: I hope I have enough curtain hooks for this thing
Suibrom: it looks like it takes a million
Phoemeister: I love how they have surf shack printed on the kleenex like you wouldn't figure out that's what it's supposed to be
Phoemeister: aww
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: "it's shaped like a shack, it has a thatched roof, and it has surfboards up against it....... I'm going with igloo"
Suibrom: I would have guessed wigwam
Phoemeister: the cup is pretty bad too
Phoemeister: I like the people swimming on the side
Phoemeister: wow, it took me like 8 minutes to realize that that one thing was a soap dish
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: I think all organized bath sets are pretty horrible though
Phoemeister: I mean, I don't think having all green or whatever is that bad
Phoemeister: but themes like surfing or bamboo I can do without
Suibrom: yeah I agree
Phoemeister: are there any other really horrible ones you've came across that you can link me?
Suibrom: yeah like all of them
Phoemeister: hahah
Phoemeister: well I just wanted to make fun of them some more
Phoemeister: I did know they're all horrible from every visit to every department store I've ever been in where they have those near the checkout
Suibrom: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?or der_num=-1&SKU=103777&RN=8
Suibrom: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?or der_num=-1&SKU=106276&RN=8
Suibrom: and because one surfing set isn't enough
Suibrom: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?or der_num=-1&SKU=105925&RN=8
Phoemeister: ewww
Phoemeister: the flower one like, isn't even funny
Phoemeister: it belongs in the house of an old woman who's lost the will to live
Suibrom: or because you go to the bathroom to fantasize about vacation and getting away from life
Suibrom: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?or der_num=-1&SKU=107472&RN=8
Suibrom: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/stylePage.asp?o rder_num=-1&RN=8
Suibrom: there's the list you can look through them
Phoemeister: haha, that one also says surf shack
Phoemeister: but I believe they need the label this time, because that one looks kind of like you would mistake it for "unabomber cabin" if there was nothing written
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: it's kind of hard to see
Suibrom: http://www.knopkadesign.com/gr/b-asian1.jpg
Suibrom: but that sink is awesome
Suibrom: it just looks like a bowl sitting on a shelf
Phoemeister: that's another one maybe I'd buy as a goof. Like, I'd have the bizarre naked wizard shower curtain, and then blow my nose with kleenex from the unabomber
Phoemeister: dude, that sink is badass
Suibrom: I would totally sport a sink like that
Phoemeister: I would literally sport a sink like that
Phoemeister: in my naked wizard unabomber bathroom
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: dude, I'm going to have the best bathroom ever
Phoemeister: it will be a pleasure to pee
Phoemeister: an experience to excrete
Suibrom: especially if you get one of those toilets that squirts a bit of warm water at you to clean you off afterwards
Phoemeister: DUDE
Phoemeister: you're right
Phoemeister: a bidet is totally what that setup was lacking
Phoemeister: but not anymore
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: nice
Phoemeister: I'm going to have the naked wizard unabomber ass squirting bathroom
Phoemeister: actually, as someone with serious diahrea problems, I think a bidet would be pretty cool
Suibrom: yeah that would totally eliminate the dingleberries
Phoemeister: lol
Suibrom: this is kind of cool too
Suibrom: http://i.walmart.com/i/p/00/08/97/86/37/000897863 7356_AV_500X500.jpg
Suibrom: but a little cluttered
Suibrom: and the bamboo looks like it's been cut up and thrown on the curtain
Phoemeister: I was more thinking "the chafing of roughly 5,000 wipes," but dingleberries sound cuter :P
Suibrom: instead of still growing
Phoemeister: I like the chopped off stuff
Phoemeister: I like to celebrate man's dominance over nature when I shower
Suibrom: it's a little too fancy for my bathroom I think
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: I think it would be pretty funny to have that in the middle of (now, this could be an unfair generalization, you actually seem like a pretty clean guy) a skanky-ass bachelor bathroom
Suibrom: haha
Suibrom: my bathroom is pretty clean
Phoemeister: plus you could never have mike over again
Suibrom: but it is somewhat bachelor-esque in that all my bath stuff is totally mis-matched
Phoemeister: something tells me Mike would get enraged if he had to stare at that while taking a crap
Suibrom: like.. I have a blue bath mat, a green and a brown towel, no shower curtain (excluding the one I just bought) just a liner, and no real "accessories" for around the sink or anything
Phoemeister: eh, that's better than girlying it up too bad with mini surf shacks and such
Suibrom: haha yeah
Suibrom: I'd like to make my apartment look a little nicer
Suibrom: and I'm kind of trying to work on it
Suibrom: I just don't have much in the way of decoration
Phoemeister: ah
Suibrom: I'm all function and no form
Phoemeister: I think you should buy like, a matching set of children's bathroom stuff
Phoemeister: like a spiderman bathroom
Suibrom: It's mostly clean.. but that's probably because it's mostly empty
Phoemeister: spiderman rug, spiderman bath curtain
Suibrom: haha
Phoemeister: green goblin toothbrush holder
Suibrom: I think my little pony would be better
Phoemeister: DUDE
Phoemeister: if you got a my little pony bathroom you would seriously be my hero
Suibrom: I really need to re-organize my living room
Phoemeister: I think a totally coordinated my little pony bathroom for a grown man would even out weird the unabomber/sexy wizard/bidet setup
Suibrom: like.. I have one of those big fold out tables being used as my computer desk/entertainment center
Suibrom: and it just looks tacky
Phoemeister: yeha, that sounds tacky
Suibrom: and I'm using a card table for an end table next to my couch : |
Suibrom: which is totally bachelor-esque
Suibrom: I have no dining room table, or coffee table
Suibrom: so my dining area is just this big open space
Suibrom: I'm thinking of turning it into a little like.. meditation corner though..
Phoemeister: lol
Suibrom: getting a nice mat, and some scrolls and stands and stuff
Phoemeister: ah
Suibrom: no I didn't just mean I'll go sit there and ponder it's emptiness
Suibrom: its
Phoemeister: yeah
Phoemeister: I was loling at the card table for an end table
Phoemeister: only belatedly
Suibrom: hehe yeah
Suibrom: that's pretty bad
Suibrom: but I have no other table to put stuff on when sitting on the couch
Suibrom: I need like a little end table, and a decent coffee table
Phoemeister: yeah
Suibrom: I was thinking of getting this
Suibrom: http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?produc t_id=1762925&cat=133114&type=1&dept=4044 &path=0%3A4044%3A103150%3A4038%3A133 221%3A133114
Suibrom: it looks like it's really cool for storing stuff
Suibrom: I don't really like the wood though
Suibrom: like if that was in a cherry, or black.. i'd be all over it
Suibrom: of course once I had money
Phoemeister: I like it
Phoemeister: including wood
Phoemeister: that is the color of the wood on our kitchen table
Phoemeister: true story
Phoemeister: only we never see it because we always have a table cloth
Suibrom: yeah it looks kind of like my parents' kitchen table as well
Phoemeister: maybe that's why you don' like it
Suibrom: hmm
Suibrom: this is somewhat more tollerable for a matching bath set
Suibrom: http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/ref=br_1_2/60 1-3956889-3760901?%5Fencoding=UTF8&fromb rowse=1&asin=B000688QMA
Suibrom: though I still wouldn't probably not use the kleenex dispensor
Phoemeister: yeah. Well it's less gay in the fact that nothing could be as gay as the other sets you showed me
Phoemeister: but it is still gay in that it is a matching bath set
Suibrom: yeah that is inherently somewhat homosexual
Phoemeister: it is
Suibrom: It would be awesome to get some bath set that had chinese characters on it that said angry things like..
Suibrom: on the trash can "THIS IS FOR TRASH, NOT FOR POO"
Phoemeister: I think you should just get green or beige or something, so they don't clash but they aren't so gay
Suibrom: or on the cup "NOT FOR DRINKING!"
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: I enjoy that
Phoemeister: you shoul ddo that
Suibrom: and on the soap dish "WASH YOURSELF, YOU ARE FILTHY"
Phoemeister: ROFLMAO
Suibrom: see I'm tempted to get that bamboo set
Suibrom: but then just like.. not use anything but the trashcan
Phoemeister: http://www.target.com/gp/search.html/re f=sr_bx_1/601-8167153-7697730?field-keywo rds=gay&url=index%3Dtarget
Phoemeister: don't do it!
Phoemeister: it's horrible
Suibrom: hahah
Phoemeister: surprisingly, no bath sets
Suibrom: gay pride rhinestone collar though!
Phoemeister: true dat
Phoemeister: I think you would look hot in that
Suibrom: haha thanks
Suibrom: i'm surprised this didn't show up
Suibrom: http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/ref=br_1_2/60 1-3956889-3760901?%5Fencoding=UTF8&fromb rowse=1&asin=B00076HH8U
Phoemeister: also, you should buy the American Girl movie, because it's nice and gay too according to the search perameters
Suibrom: this is another tv-stand I was looking at getting
Suibrom: http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?produc t_id=2138632&cat=133114&type=1&dept=4044 &path=0%3A4044%3A103150%3A4038%3A133 221%3A133114
Phoemeister: lol, no that's for a gay CHILD
Phoemeister: (the frogs)
Suibrom: but it seems to be lacking in storage space for things like a VCR and sound system
Phoemeister: I'm drawn to the turtle though

wordperfect emuslates life

Me: so apparently wordPerfect emulating Word is even crappier than Word.
Ryan: I'd believe that
Me: everything I try to do gets fucked up
Ryan: :/
Me: haha I meant in wordperfect, not life
Ryan: haha oooh
Ryan: that seemed pretty all-encompassing

Me: so it's pretty funny
Me: when no one's around a lot of times I leave the door open when I use the bathroom
Ryan: who doesn't? :X
Me: and I just got this big poster that looks like this and put it on my fridge
Ryan: haha
Me: and so now I feel like he's looking at me every time I go
Ryan: house is watching you poo!
Me: he IS
Ryan: and he's looking very unapporvingly
Me: I know!
Ryan: he says "I know what you do in there!"
Me: the other people look pretty weirded out too
Me: but at least they're smaller
Ryan: the woman on the end has a kind of.. "slightly interested smirk"
Ryan: like.. "I don't approve.. but.. I could learn to like it"
Me: do women give you that look a lot?
Ryan: no it's more like "why are you touching me?!"
Ryan: if they look at me at all
Me: I know I had to say that more than once while you were out here
Me: that and "get off my leg"
Ryan: "get off on your leg? okay if you say so"
Me: "DUDE THAT'S WHAT I WAS ALREADY DOING NO TALKING IT RUINS THE MOOD FOR ME"
Ryan: haha

skinner!

Me: jesus mary joseph I hate colitis
Ryan: :Ryan: been bad today?
Me: eh not really
Me: it just always sucks
Me: and every so often I get mad
Me: and am like, "DAMN YOU COLITIS"
Ryan: :Ryan: colitis is your kahn
Me: KHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!
Ryan: COLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS
Me: haha, I can't remember who it was the other day but I was shouting their name like how Superintendant Chalmers says "Skinner!!"
Ryan: haha nice
Me: I think it was a guy named Adam but I can't remember which adam it was. "ADAM!!"
Me: I actually am not too fond of eihter Adam at work
Ryan: so you shout at both of them in a chalmers-tone?
Me: I should
Me: I was only doing it to one of them yesterday but I am going to extend the policyto both
Me: and perhaps any other employee I am not too fond of
Ryan: haha I agree with this
Me: but mostly they have to have two syllable names or it won't work

ass

Sui: looks like another $80/mo I'm going to be pulling out of my ass
Phoemeister: you're lucky though
Phoemeister: only poo comes out of my ass
Sui: haha
Phoemeister: and it's not even regular poo. Pretty gross.

what would poo do?

I really am starting to worry that I talk about rape (and crack whores and babies) too much! Also, I never in my life thought I would come up with the phrase "but what if you had a hairy rapist?"

(err.... and I'm sorry if this is confusing, but it's in Gmail chat, Phoe from Elsewhere is Phoe and I am me).

Phoe: ah but it's the sugar that jacks me up. caffeine just turns me into a shaking, migrainey mess
this is never making it to your blog, it's not even about babies or crack whores or ANYTHING.
me: ROFLMAO
maybe now it will
"you know that crack whore I raped the other day?"
"the one with the asian pimp for her baby daddy?"
Phoe: lol. for a can of coke? or a cookie.
me: what is for a can of coke or a cookie?
Phoe: the crack whore raping.
me: haha
Phoe: unless it was for crack and then i think you've got your chain backwards. rape the PIMP for the crack. he's got the goods.
me: if it's rape I don't think the whore gets anything but a slap on the face!
Oh..... you're like, "I'll rape you if you don't give me crack?"
I've never heard of using rape as a bargaining tactic before
I think they should start using that in the UN
Phoe: yeah but you say crack and i see butt crack and that's just offputting this early
me: ahaha
I love how all the raping and crack whores don't phase you
but you're like, "eww, buttcrack!"
Phoe: they're usually hairy. ick.
me: yeah, but what if you had a hairy rapist?

I don't feel at all guilty, however, about how much I talk about poo:

me: Have you ever seen Unbreakable?
Phoe: nope
me: well it kind of starts out with these facts about people with comic books, how much the average fan spends on them, how much of their life they spend reading them and it's insanely large
and ever since I saw that movie I've been obsessively thinking and estimating how much time I will have spent on the toilet by the end of my life
it's going to be like 8 years or something
Phoe: you can always take books in and when you die, you can say "poo taught me chinese!" or whatever.
me: ROFLMAO
man, I would do that just for the excuse to tell someone that poo taught me chinese
Phoe: well you're in college for half that. chinese could be managed and it would all be thanks to poo.
me: haha, "it's all thanks to poo!" makes me think of how people talk about Jesus like he's their buddy they hang out with? "Jesus is my wingman!"
"poo is my wingman!"
Phoe: ah, but now we need a acronym to illustrate that
wwpd?
frop?
me: LOL
what's frop?
Phoe: fully relying on poo
me: LOL
I want a band named Fully Relying on Poo
Phoe: because frog = fully relying on god
me: hunh, I'd never heard that one

poo burns

Sui: Love is fleeting, hate burns eternal, as they say
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: hate springs eternal
Sui: springs, burns, whatever
Sui: Burning seems to fit it better
Phoemeister: hha
Phoemeister: mybe I'll sve that saying for poo
Phoemeister: but that burns too
Sui: haha

poo lies

Phoemeister: so under interests on my myspace page
Phoemeister: I put poo
Mulva: but are you really interested in it?
Phoemeister: no. I am totally a poo poser
Mulva: after someone has to poo it, do you study it?
Mulva: oh wow, fraud!
Phoemeister: no. I was just frontin'
Phoemeister: you called me out on it!
Mulva: POO FRAUD ASTONISHES NATION
Mulva: PHOE REALLY NOT THAT INTO POO
Phoemeister: haha "a tearful Phoe confesses "I just pretend to for the glamour.""
Mulva: OPRAH CHEWS HER OUT ON LIVE TV
Mulva: I always wonder what Oprah really looks like. you know how magazine covers LIE
Mulva: like YOU
Phoemeister: I say we sneak into oprah's house
Phoemeister: and take pictures
Mulva: "Oprah actually proven to be sludge monster, explaining her indignity at Phoe's disinterest in poo."
Mulva: wow, this is the story of the millenium
Phoemeister: it is
Phoemeister: we could become the deep throat of Oprah exposing
Mulva: Woodward? more like Wood-TARD
Mulva: aw snap!!!!!!!!
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: you just called yourself a tard
Phoemeister: not that I'm arguing
Mulva: that was more of an impression of you making fun of him
Phoemeister: oh
Phoemeister: I don't know if I like you taking my bits and using them for yourself. You should have to pay royalties or something.
Mulva: so you confessed you are not that enthralled with poo
Mulva: Now i will make a confession
Mulva: I'm Boss-boss's baby daddy.
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: the best part is
Phoemeister: you didn't even work there when she first got pregnant
Phoemeister: so you like, knocked her up
Phoemeister: and then she got you a job
Mulva: LOL
Phoemeister: and no one will ever know
Mulva: well she wanted me to be able to pay for it
Mulva: seriously, ever need a job, what the career resources people don't tell you is to knock up the hiring manager a few months before the interview.
Phoemeister: You should make a whole book like that
Phoemeister: on tips on getting a job
Mulva: hahaha
Phoemeister: and then we could sell it in the careers section
Phoemeister: it would be my reccomend every day
Mulva: Mine's still gonna be Nanny 9-1-1