pac man

(10:14:58 PM) RJ : I need a good insult for Pac-Man.... suggestions please
(10:15:20 PM) RJ: my dad just recommended mocking the size of pac mans balls
(10:15:26 PM) RJ: it was awesome.
(10:18:13 PM) Me: HAHA that's good
(10:18:19 PM) Me: esp. since they are like raisins
(10:18:35 PM) RJ: someone else suggested "Your wife is ugly."
(10:19:16 PM) Me: that's a lie
(10:19:22 PM) Me: ms. pacman is a damn fine piece of ass
(10:19:58 PM) RJ: she's a mouth and that's it
(10:20:26 PM) Me: come on. You know guys that would still date that if it put out
(10:20:35 PM) RJ: lol
(10:20:37 PM) RJ: Yeah true
(10:20:47 PM) RJ: how sad
(10:21:43 PM) Me: indeed
(10:21:55 PM) Me: it still gives me hope if I ever become a parapalegic tho
(10:22:33 PM) RJ: just have to work on repeatedly opening and closing your mouth.
(10:22:41 PM) RJ: Works for her
(10:22:45 PM) RJ: What species do you think they are?
(10:22:51 PM) Me: cheese
(10:22:52 PM) RJ: highly evolved marbles?
(10:23:04 PM) RJ: Whoa
(10:23:09 PM) RJ: Cheese that eats ghosts.
(10:23:25 PM) Me: that's some FUCKING GREAT CHEESE

vegemite is frail

(11:03:08 PM) RJ: there are a ton of japanese people in my apartment
(11:05:14 PM) Me: holy crap
(11:05:18 PM) Me: get out of there now
(11:05:25 PM) RJ: it's too late they've blocked the door
(11:05:30 PM) RJ: literally, there's 10 shoes
(11:05:31 PM) Me: I hear japanese people like to eat your face
(11:05:36 PM) Me: nooooooo
(11:05:39 PM) Me: I'll miss you, RJ
(11:05:50 PM) Me: I'll sing "Sucks to be You" at your funeral
(11:05:56 PM) RJ: Tell vegemite i'll miss it
(11:06:01 PM) Me: okay
(11:06:04 PM) RJ: Yeah it does suck to be me
(11:06:05 PM) Me: I'll marry it
(11:06:09 PM) Me: so there's someone to take care of it
(11:06:13 PM) RJ: No, i am wishing well upon vegemite
(11:06:15 PM) RJ: don't marry it
(11:06:18 PM) Me: ouch
(11:06:27 PM) Me: are you saying I won't be good to vegemite?
(11:06:36 PM) Me: how dare you insinuate such a thing
(11:06:38 PM) RJ: i just hate to think what you'd do to it
(11:07:45 PM) RJ: Vegemite is frail, you're an ox in bed
(11:07:49 PM) Me: hahaha
(11:08:01 PM) Me: at least I don't come on its tits like you do
(11:08:06 PM) RJ: lol
(11:08:07 PM) Me: vegemite tells me it hates when you do that
(11:08:17 PM) RJ: yeah i have to sculpt them first

nurture vs nature

9:15:31 PM) RJ: so how are you anyway
(9:15:45 PM) Me: I hate my life
(9:15:47 PM) Me: you?
(9:15:59 PM) RJ: I don't hate your life
(9:16:02 PM) RJ: I want to nurture it

robot sex

Me: it was good talking to you
Mulva: Yes let's have a cyber date soon
Me: rrrrr!
Mulva: cyber meaning online not pretending to make out over IM
Me: I was hoping it involved robot sex
Mulva: Robots, you know just what is topical with me
Mulva: After all this time!
Mulva: I have some new insights into robots
Me: DUDE
Me: tell!
Mulva: i will share them with you later
Mulva: ask me next time i'm around
Mulva: They might not blow your mind, but they may make you go "WowMulva's retarded"
Me: I missed that feeling

Il Divo

This is the description of the new Il Divo album that came in my email from the place I work at:

"If IL DIVO had a nickel for every fan they made swoon with their dreamy debut, they'd be rich men. And here's betting they're not exactly living mano to mouth. Their new album, Ancora, brings more poperatic love performed in English, Spanish, and Italian."

Phoemeister: the description of the new Il Divo album makes me laugh my ass off
Mulva: don't, it'll only give them more nickels!
Phoemeister: I said laugh my ass off, not swoon :P
Mulva: they probably have nickels coming to them for asses laughed off also
Mulva: They're il divo, they know the biz
Phoemeister: ah
Phoemeister: true
Phoemeister: also: I am going to use the adjective "poperatic" as much as possible from now on
Mulva: use it while selling Night
Phoemeister: "Night is Eli Wiesel's poperatic new take on the holocaust!"
Mulva: haha "if he had a nickel for every jew slaughtered around him, he'd have still less than he has now that oprah recommended his book!"
Mulva: it's true.
Phoemeister: hey, can you re-send me their description? I deleted it already but I want to post it on my blog now with our hilarious commentary
Mulva: *he pastes the description over to me*
Phoemeister: thanks
Mulva: And the nearly invisible small footnote.... "ooooh! lookit! men! if you buy this album you'll finally own men! get it now, you deranged cat lady!"
Phoemeister: the best part of that is that you're a deranged cat lady trapped in a man's body, and yet you mock your own
Mulva: whoa... i do knit....
Mulva: jk
Mulva: i crochet
Phoemeister: also you're in love with your cat
Phoemeister: and teaching him to use the toilet
Mulva: jealous
Mulva: i'm rubber you're glue
Mulva: when i'm an old lady so are you
Mulva: have a cookie yung'n

viking

Phoemeister: what is a viking accent anyway?
Mulva: I dunno, I think it involves grunts and raping the listener.

whiskey rebellion

Phoemeister: I'm just making that up, actually. I have no idea what Jude Law's birthday is.
Phoemeister: I've been doing that a lot lately
Phoemeister: today when a customer's purchase rang up $18.77 I told them 1877 was the year of the Whiskey Rebellion, even though I'm fairly sure that the Whiskey Rebellion was decades earlier
Mulva: lol what?!
Mulva: the whiskey rebellion?
Mulva: wtf
Mulva: i have never heard of that
Phoemeister: and another customer whose price rang up to 18 something, I told them that was the year the constitution was ratified. Even though I'm pretty sure the year her thing rang up as was sometime during the civil war
Phoemeister: PEOPLE NEVER CALL ME ON IT. I just have to make sure TII's not around
Phoemeister: the Whiskey Rebellion was shortly after the revolutionary wqar
Phoemeister: these people got pissed off that we were taxing whiskey, and were like, "Hell, we're just going to start another revolutionary war and never have to pay taxes again"
Mulva: I find this hilarious
Phoemeister: but the government was like, "No." and put it down
Phoemeister: I do too.
Phoemeister: I still love that the one person didn't realize the constitution was not ratified in 1865
Mulva: haha wow
Phoemeister: I can see not knowing when the whiskey rebellion was though
Mulva: haha maybe they were just humoring you
Phoemeister: no way
Phoemeister: I see it in their eyes how they want to believe me
Phoemeister: and that the next day they're going to bring it up around their friends somehow to make themselves look smart
Mulva: lol
Phoemeister: one day one of these people is going to get on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire
Phoemeister: and they're going to lose because they took history advice from a cashier
Phoemeister: I keep hoping someone's price will ring up as a year I actually know something happened.
Phoemeister: But then I'd be limited to 1066, 1492, 1776 and 1969
Phoemeister: because those are the only years things happen that I have memorized
Phoemeister: (battle of hastings, when columbus sailed the ocean blue, the signing of the declaration of independance, and when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon)

Iming my service manager

Proto: lol hey I can't get fired for IM'ing my service manager, can I?
Phoemeister: that sounds like a euphemism for masturbation
Phoemeister: "Time to IM the ol' service manager."
Proto: LOL
Proto: Oh god I'm still laughing
Proto: DAMN YOU
Phoemeister: you're going to collapse at work
Phoemeister: the next time someone pages service manager

fall out boy punch inthe face

Mulva: lo-fi that's not got bad sound quality, since i learned that irks you after the moldy peaches fiasco
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: I love how you call it a fiasco
Mulva: the dance was ruined
Phoemeister: like I got really pissed and was like, "WE CAN"T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE IF YOU SEND ME SONGS WITH BAD SOUND QUALITY"
Mulva: It came on and you broke up with me and left the dance floor and everyone gasped
Phoemeister: and then the floor opened up and you fell in the pool
Mulva: shit, i remember that
Phoemeister: and you almost killed yourself
Phoemeister: but an angel showed you what effect your life had on others
Mulva: And I sang...look at me I'm Mulva, lousy without Phoe
Phoemeister: and I pointed and laughed
Phoemeister: and you were like, "HEY, AT LEAST I DON'T LISTEN TO FALL OUT BOY"
Mulva: And then the dinosaurs came......
Phoemeister: they enslaved the human race
Phoemeister: so that we could cobble dinosaur shoes for them
Mulva: and they played fall out boy as we slaved in their quarries
Mulva: because a misguided dinosaur studied the wrong specimen (you) and determined we must like them


Sista: heh i need quote for my myspace page
Phoemeister: cool

you can try ____ summer home, some are home some are not if you want to go with another gem from my family
Phoemeister: or You're talkin' like a sausage
Phoemeister: I can also supply you with Fall Out Boy quotes
Sista: go forward please
Phoemeister: lol, okay. Well starting off with song titles, there's "Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends" "I slept with someone in fall out boy, and all I got was this stupid song written about me"
Phoemeister: I shall leaf through the actual lyrics for you too
Phoemeister: because that's just the kind of friend I am

*pause*

Phoemeister: man, i can't find any good ones
Phoemeister: fall out boy sucks
Sista: hahha




Phoemeister: I know you usually talk about them when you want to blow off steam, and that they're not actually that horrible, but I seriously hate your inlaws
Phoemeister: If I ever saw them in person I would punch them in the face
Tina: they are very quirky people, yes
Phoemeister: I'm quirky. I'm a picky eater! I don't want to punch me in the face!
Tina: I hope not, that sorta thing can get you committed

later

Tina: I need to go to bed... people have been real jackasses lately about when I get up
Phoemeister: I WILL PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE FOR YOU ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK

brokeback jedi

So, at one point Mulva and I were joking around about maybe dressing up as Jedi to go to Brokeback Mountain.

Phoemeister: part of me still wants to dress up as a jedi
Phoemeister: maybe smuggle out the display lightsaber replica from borders
Phoemeister: get arrested
Phoemeister: have "stole replica lightsaber for use at gay cowboy movie" on the police report
Mulva: hahaha
Mulva: I think that would be awesome so much

zaaau

Mulva: zauberflote reeks of profanity in the way children do
Phoemeister: .....thank you?

Save the Ryan

Phoemeister: and she brought up this thing they've been having on TV where reporters hook up with guys on the internet by posing as 14 year old girls and then confront the creepy old guys that show up to meet them
Sui: Well last I checked you're not a 14 year old girl
Sui: I think that's a little different
Phoemeister: you're disapointed you perv
Sui: haha
Sui: cut about 10 years off your age and we could have a PARTY
Sui: It's so easy to impress the 14 year old too
Sui: like.. "hey I can drive!"
Sui: and "hey, I have some money!"
Sui: and "I can eat ice cream whenever I want!"
Sui: or.. "I had candy for breakfast, it was awesome!"
Sui: Only, they don't realize that having candy for breakfast really does suck
Sui: and sometimes you really wish you had real food
Suibrom: and that's why you're luring 14 year old girls to your house so you can either eat them, or hold them for ransom to get real food
Phoemeister: "will kidnap for food"
Sui: "I promise I won't rape your daughter.. just give me some money for food please"


Mulva: one of my good friends i'm going to be with in japan i met online
Mulva: she's awesome, but my parents are so afraid of her
Phoemeister: At least you are a guy and they don't have the "he'll rape you!" arguement like they do with me
Mulva: oh gawd
Mulva: in vegas? come on, anyone could rape you in vegas, why worry about the person you've actually spoken with
Phoemeister: I KNOW! I want to be like, "Yeah, if you're that worried about it I'll make sure to bang a guy at a bar or something while I'm at it"
Mulva: the thought of you pickin up guys in bars = priceless
Mulva: "Want to go out with me? Itd be AWESOME."
Phoemeister: "We could totally DO IT" *exaggerated pelvic thrust motions*
Mulva: "Dont' tell my mom."
Phoemeister: "don't tell her that you're a fifty year old serial killer"
Mulva: "Ok now let's get to the sideways mambo!"
Mulva: phoe oh phoe, poor misguided serial killer loving phoe
Phoemeister: lol
Phoemeister: Actually, I think I'm the serial killer
Mulva: yeah why doesn't your mom ever worry about ryan
Mulva: BIAS
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: you should start a Save the Ryan Foundation

poo lies

Phoemeister: so under interests on my myspace page
Phoemeister: I put poo
Mulva: but are you really interested in it?
Phoemeister: no. I am totally a poo poser
Mulva: after someone has to poo it, do you study it?
Mulva: oh wow, fraud!
Phoemeister: no. I was just frontin'
Phoemeister: you called me out on it!
Mulva: POO FRAUD ASTONISHES NATION
Mulva: PHOE REALLY NOT THAT INTO POO
Phoemeister: haha "a tearful Phoe confesses "I just pretend to for the glamour.""
Mulva: OPRAH CHEWS HER OUT ON LIVE TV
Mulva: I always wonder what Oprah really looks like. you know how magazine covers LIE
Mulva: like YOU
Phoemeister: I say we sneak into oprah's house
Phoemeister: and take pictures
Mulva: "Oprah actually proven to be sludge monster, explaining her indignity at Phoe's disinterest in poo."
Mulva: wow, this is the story of the millenium
Phoemeister: it is
Phoemeister: we could become the deep throat of Oprah exposing
Mulva: Woodward? more like Wood-TARD
Mulva: aw snap!!!!!!!!
Phoemeister: LOL
Phoemeister: you just called yourself a tard
Phoemeister: not that I'm arguing
Mulva: that was more of an impression of you making fun of him
Phoemeister: oh
Phoemeister: I don't know if I like you taking my bits and using them for yourself. You should have to pay royalties or something.
Mulva: so you confessed you are not that enthralled with poo
Mulva: Now i will make a confession
Mulva: I'm Boss-boss's baby daddy.
Phoemeister: hahaha
Phoemeister: the best part is
Phoemeister: you didn't even work there when she first got pregnant
Phoemeister: so you like, knocked her up
Phoemeister: and then she got you a job
Mulva: LOL
Phoemeister: and no one will ever know
Mulva: well she wanted me to be able to pay for it
Mulva: seriously, ever need a job, what the career resources people don't tell you is to knock up the hiring manager a few months before the interview.
Phoemeister: You should make a whole book like that
Phoemeister: on tips on getting a job
Mulva: hahaha
Phoemeister: and then we could sell it in the careers section
Phoemeister: it would be my reccomend every day
Mulva: Mine's still gonna be Nanny 9-1-1