masturbating on an open flame

ASHJoxer: I'll light your fire, girl.
Phoemeister: too late
Phoemeister: I'm an ASHLEY INFERNO
ASHJoxer: hahaha
Phoemeister: if I die in the blaze it will be worth it
ASHJoxer: Huggies!
ASHJoxer: haha
Phoemeister: don't hug me! You'll get Ashley fever too!
Phoemeister: I'm sure it's double dangerous when you ARE Ashley!
ASHJoxer: I'd be masterbating on an open flame.
Phoemeister: haha
Phoemeister: exactly

sweeney todd

YM: You would happen to have any old papers on musicals would ya?
Me: haha no but I could write one for you
YM: ...you could?
Me: "the first time Cats was on broadway, the lead character was played by Count Popeula, a magical monster with pencils for arms."
Me: I got tons more just like that
Me: A+
YM: haha
YM: Well, it would have to be about musicals we learned about in class.
Me: haha what did you learn about?
YM: Assassins, Sunday in the Park with George, Passion, Company, Sweeney Todd, and Follies....and that's only the first half of the semester!
Me: "I thought the lead character of Sunday in the Park with George was a bit of a dick, but at the same time he captured a certain je ne sais quoi of the human condition in today's postmodern society."
Me: A+
YM: haha
YM: awesome
Me: "Sweeney Todd was about people killing each other and putting them in meat pies. It was awesome."
YM: I was thinking of doing a comparison of Shakespeare, like Hamlet or Romeo and Juliet and compare it to Sweeney Todd.
Me: haha niiiice
Me: that would be cool
Me: you could start off, "Polonius from Hamlet once said, "Brevity is the soul of wit.""
Me: and then just stop

yaay

Me: yeah she and AC (antichrist) had to go to st louis today
YM: I bet that was a fun, urm, trip.
Me: oh my god
Me: I would strangle AC before we even got out of town
YM: I would murder her by shitting in her mouth until she suffocated.
Me: I WOULD MARRY YOU
YM: I WOULD SACRIFICE OUR FIRST BORN RETARD AS A THANK YOU TO SATAN FOR TAKING AC
Me: LOL
Me: I WOULD APPROVE

jazz douche

YM: eh, blah
YM: same ol' same ol'
Me: sorry :/
YM: lol it's ok
Me: do you want me to come over there and dance for you?
Me: I got jazz hands
YM: Haha, your dancing would be in vain. It wouldn't make Herd stop being a douchebag.
Me: haha I could go to his house and tell him he's a douchebag as I flash my jazzy hands in his face
YM: Nice. Could you?
Me: haha fuck yeah I don't care
YM: That'd be hilarious.
Me: haha it would be
Me: you should come along and get it on tape

lesbians

YM: Cause I'm already nearly failing that class.
Me: that sucks :/
YM: Indeed.
Me: I'm going to shoot that class's aunt sally
YM: haha
YM: Please do.
Me: Oh
Me: I will
Me: twice
Me: three times, if necessary
YM: haha
YM: I'll take pictures.
Me: we'll post them on the interweb and make a fortune!
YM: FUCK YA
Me: and then we will live the rock n roll lifestyle we've always dreamed of
YM: With baby skin coats.
Me: oh my god
Me: marry me, YM
YM: *sniff* I do!
Me: yaaaaaaaaaaaay
Me: rock n roll baby coat lesbian lifestyle!
YM: lol
YM: I sure do hope that they have matching shoes...
Me: hmmm, no, babyskin isn't durable enough for that
Me: but toddler skin is a pretty close match
YM: Yeah, cause they fall down and get scabs all the time.
Me: haha
Me: that and all the beatings
YM: We can always toughen it up before we skin them.
Me: it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again
YM: lol
Me: for someone who hates things that have to do with serial killers
Me: I sure do find myself quoting Silence of the Lambs often

scientology & valentines

Also, Herd told me he is going to kick Tom Cruise's ass (this IM conver started RE: a discussion we had at work last night about how Tom Cruise has been declared the "christ-like figure of scientology."

Herd: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2007/02/02/notes020207.DTL
Me: hahah YES
Me: you win at being my friend
Herd: lol
Herd: i wasnt lying
Me: I didn't think you were
Me: I just thought the world was retarded
Me: and now I know for sure
Herd: well i still had to drive it home
Me: that's why you win at being my friend
Herd: lol
Me: hey have you ever heard my favorite joke about Scientology?
Me: it's especially classy because I made it up myself
Herd: no i havent heard it
Me: okay it goes:
Me: the first rule about scientology: you do not talk about scientology
the second rule about scientology: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY
the third rule about scientology: if it's your first night as a scientologist: you HAVE to fight
the fourth rule about scientology: no shirts, rings, or watches
the fifth rule about scientology: if a scientologist taps out, you have to stop
Herd: lol
Herd: does that mean that tom cruise just fought his way to the top of scientology?
Me: heck yeahs
Me: he doesn't look like much
Me: but he fights dirty
Herd: this makes me think i should be a scientologist
Herd: sounds like an interesting religion
Me: hahah yeah if scientology was fight club I would be a lot more interested
Me: though I still would not join because I would lose every fight
Herd: lol
Herd: i would go, and i would challenge tom cruise the first night
Herd: so id immediately replace him
Me: do you fight dirty enough?
Me: those brilliant white teeth bite, Herd
Me: and you don't know where Tom Cruise has been. He could give you rabies.
Herd: lol
Herd: its ok
Me: It's not that good being a christlike figure if you have rabies.
Herd: its all about the sneak jab
Herd: he wont be expecting it
Me: okay
Me: my money's on you
Me: you better kick tom cruise's ass or I'm out a dime
Me: (that's ten thousand dollars, Herd)
Me: (I don't have ten thousand dollars, Herd)
Me: (they'll break my kneecaps, Herd)
Herd: lol
Herd: when he goes down ill jsut start kicking violently
Herd: dont worry about it
Herd: its a sure thing

YM: HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
Me: wooooooo
Me: I love you very much
Me: I mean...
Me: happy valentine's day, platonic friend
YM: Will you fuck my face in the candlelight Phoe?
Me: I thought you'd never ask!
YM: haha
YM: Sweet!
YM: I'll get the baby oil!
Me: rrrrr! I'll get the babies!
YM: hahaha
YM: A sweet Valentines Day it will be.